Hi, I'm new here and really need some friendly advice. I've been married 10 years (late 40s, no kids) but as husband works shifts and I work away a lot, we're not used to spending every day together as we have been in lockdown. Ever since we got together he has had quite violent tantrums and meltdowns which (to me) appear out of the blue. He is super sensitive to noise and panics if he is out of a routine or something hasn't been left where it should be. I've often felt more like a single mum to him than his wife: he shouts and swears at me, slams doors and derides and ridicules me when we are alone or in front of others. Yet most of the time he is kind, funny, loving and sensitive and I've never been able to reconcile the difficult and frankly horrible person he becomes sometimes.
After one meltdown when he was screaming and yelling abuse at me because the doorbell rang when he was eating his lunch and the dog started barking, it suddenly hit me like a thunderbolt: autism.
I did an online test (the one mentioned on here) answering the questions as if I was my husband and then asked him the questions under the guise of it being for a project thing I'd been doing online. (I was quite vague). Stunningly positive scores both times.
The big question is .... what now? I've tried to discuss it with him gently and supportively in the hope he can maybe get assessed and some support. We both know great young people with Asperger's (who are fantastic teenagers) and yet his reaction to me was rage. He said I was calling him a "spastic". I've suggested several things we could do but he won't listen and blames his behaviour on me. I've tried to get him to understand that maybe his brain is just wired differently and autism doesn't have to be negative.
Our marriage has been under a lot of strain because of his unpredictable and abusive behaviour to me. While I'm not perfect by any means, I always wondered what caused these sudden outbursts.
There are so many signs of autism: the obsessive routines, the behaviour which I thought was incredibly rude in front of friends and family, the being unable to cope with a supermarket shop, not wanting to comfort me when I was upset and crying over a friend's death and instead just turning the TV up. I already spend a lot of time soothing and placating and trying to avoid creating stressful situations for him.
So what do I do now? I'm turning to this community because I feel terribly isolated and there is nobody else I can talk to about this. My husband refused point blank to go to couples counselling two years ago, claiming I was the one with issues. I went alone.
Now I feel there is a really strong possibility that husband may be autistic, but he won't hear of exploring it further, I need suggestions about what I can do to help him and our marriage from an autism point of view.I know little about autism in adults but I'm hoping that there is something I can do.
- Sorry this has been such a long post. Thanks for reading and please be kind - this is my only hope of help and I'm in bits.
