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Autistic husband? Help needed

NAS67661

Hi, I'm new here and really need some friendly advice. I've been married 10 years (late 40s, no kids) but as husband works shifts and I work away a lot, we're not used to spending every day together as we have been in lockdown. Ever since we got together he has had quite violent tantrums and meltdowns which (to me) appear out of the blue. He is super sensitive to noise and panics if he is out of a routine or something hasn't been left where it should be. I've often felt more like a single mum to him than his wife: he shouts and swears at me, slams doors and derides and ridicules me when we are alone or in front of others. Yet most of the time he is kind, funny, loving and sensitive and I've never been able to reconcile the difficult and frankly horrible person he becomes sometimes. 

After one meltdown when he was screaming and yelling abuse at me because the doorbell rang when he was eating his lunch and the dog started barking, it suddenly hit me like a thunderbolt: autism.

I did an online test (the one mentioned on here) answering the questions as if I was my husband and then asked him the questions under the guise of it being for a project thing I'd been doing online. (I was quite vague). Stunningly positive scores both times.

The big question is .... what now? I've tried to discuss it with him gently and supportively in the hope he can maybe get assessed and some support. We both know great young people with Asperger's (who are fantastic teenagers) and yet his reaction to me was rage. He said I was calling him a "spastic". I've suggested several things we could do but he won't listen and blames his behaviour on me.  I've tried to get him to understand that maybe his brain is just wired differently and autism doesn't have to be negative.

Our marriage has been under a lot of strain because of his unpredictable and abusive behaviour to me. While I'm not perfect by any means, I always wondered what caused these sudden outbursts. 

There are so many signs of autism: the obsessive routines, the behaviour which I thought was incredibly rude in front of friends and family, the being unable to cope with a supermarket shop, not wanting to comfort me when I was upset and crying over a friend's death and instead just turning the TV up. I already spend a lot of time soothing and placating and trying to avoid creating stressful situations for him.

So what do I do now? I'm turning to this community because I feel terribly isolated and there is nobody else I can talk to about this. My husband refused point blank to go to couples counselling two years ago, claiming I was the one with issues. I went alone.

Now I feel there is a really strong possibility that husband may be autistic, but he won't hear of exploring it further, I need suggestions about what I can do to help him and our marriage from an autism point of view.I know little about autism in adults but I'm hoping that there is something I can do.

  • Sorry this has been such a long post. Thanks for reading and please be kind - this is my only hope of help and I'm in bits.

  • I have a diagnose of autism. What I read here doesn't feel right. Even if the diagnose is correct, he seems a very bad tempered and abusive person. I think if you don't have at least a little bit of feedback from him like 'sorry, I can't handle this situation, it's not your fault...', you may stand a chance, but such a childish reactions and refusal to take up responsibility and blameshifting. 

    You say things that bring yourself down: 'I'm not perfect by any means'... and nobody should expect you to be perfect either. It makes me sad to read this. 

    This is what it is going to be like when you're both going to be on a pension. Hope can be a nice thing.

    My advise would be in the first place to get out more often, he's probably not going to be sorry if he has the house to himself more often. It's important that you still have some other friends, ideally people that don't know him, and with which you can be your own person.

  • Hi, obviously I or no one else on this site can diagnose him, but he sounds awfully similar to my boyfriend who has high-functioning autism. 

    My boyfriend is in his mid-30s and got diagnosed 3 years ago, not long after we got together. I didn't really know what to expect, but it never put me off. He appears 'normal' the majority of the time and can be a lovely, fun, and supportive boyfriend. But other times he can be downright horrible towards me and his family. He gets worked up easily; any minor inconvenience or issue and he starts shouting and swearing and acting like its a major problem. I understand how you feel - one day he is loving and appreciative and the next, out of nowhere or through a minor thing, he gets in a mood and has to take it our on everyone around him. Just the other day I banged my head on the dresser where he keeps his books and instead of asking if I was OK, he ran over and looked angry to inspect that his books weren't ruined. I got upset later that day, and I was crying. He just got annoyed at me and said I was disturbing him when he was trying to go to sleep. That is always hard for me; when you're in tears you just want some comfort, not to be shouted at. It usually only induces further tears. 

    Like I say, he is usually very loving. But in the wrong mood he has said horrible things and taken things out on me which I had nothing to do with. Its like two completely different people sometimes. It does cause some issues in our relationship at times - I am very much someone who likes keeping the peace and I frequently if not always put his well-being before mine. I have spent so much time consoling him and trying to help him. Even today I am struggling somewhat; he has gotten into a mood over a handful of very minor things, and of course he is sleep-deprived which causes so many issues. He has been taking it out on me. I do the simplest thing and he gets angry. I am just trying to stay out of the way right now. I also know the feeling of being more like a mother than a partner - I just spend so much time dedicated to consoling and looking after him, and very little is reciprocated. I also find his autism makes him prone to selfishness. I always end up doing all the housework or paying for a lot of things to simply avoid an outburst.

     

    You aren't alone - It is a tricky one because they can be so loving and yet behave this way sometimes. In regards to his reaction to being possibly autistic, this seems fairly common in people I know either with it or suspected with it. They take it as an offensive remark which is a shame as it a difference to the brain rather than a disability in my eyes. I have suspected for sometime my brother may have it (different symptoms to my bf though) and he takes offence to it too and won't get tested. My advice would be to get some kind of counselling (if that helps) and speak to someone else who knows him. Approach the subject gently though. I find talking to my partner's family helps me realise I'm not alone and that he behaves this way with others he loves. I have also learned to try and not let his outbursts affect me too much - as difficult as that is. Sometimes just staying quiet and letting it pass is the best way (when he gets like that no nice words will help - he just gets angrier). Obviously if you ever feel scared of him or he is violent, then you shouldn't continue the relationship.

    All the best and I hope things improve for both of you.

  • hi.  check out Dr Tony Attwood's You Tube videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-Uqm74g2ew    about aspergers/neurotypical marriage  and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiUhlvOpqAU  on autism and relationships.

    Also, inform yourself on the condition in adults and try to work out his triggers.  Meltdowns happen because the person becomes overwhelmed and cannot cope anymore.  Check out the Autism Live videos too on this site.    Look under resources for reducing anxiety.       I suggest now is NOT the time to try to get a him to agree that he has autism.  He is obviously 'heightened' and his stress thresholds are lower;  which usually means increased sensitivity and anxiety and can lead to more negative thinking. You might find he takes it as a criticism of him and that you think something is wrong with him.  One of my adults had this reaction to his partner.   Try to give him space and find out what his triggers are.  He may have been overwhelmed by your noise and trying to focus on his show and did not really process what you needed.  You have to tell him.  

    You also need to think about what you want.  Understand you will need to make more adjustments and give more support to someone on the spectrum the more heightened they are.  Ask yourself if you love them enough to try to accommodate them or if you have the energy.  

    Better to talk honestly,  Go for a walk together and say, when people are violent and shouting around me it makes me feel unsafe, I love you and want to feel safe.  A lot of people online are getting angry because they are anxious.  or be blunt.  My friend died, I need a hug.  Can you give me a hug?  If he says no, just say that is ok (or not ok) with me and I accept that.

     I say, lets go out for a walk together (if not shielding)  then on walk say, I have been reading that a lot of people online are really anxious and they find it helps (insert solution you have come up with here),  I think it might help us, what do you think?  or suggest he talk to the GP if he can do that.

    A note of warning.  If his tendency is to go to the fight side of the fight or flight response when he is overwhelmed and you cannot work out how to avoid his triggers then he may just not be safe to be around.   You need to stay safe.  If you feel unsafe and think he may attack you, then you may need to leave.  Pack a Go Bag and make a plan to leave and where you will go.