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What to tell people

Ladybird

Question: how can I warn/prepare people to be around me? 

I’m going to meet some new people (new coworkers) and I’m really anxious. 

I know from experience that I don’t make good first (or second) impression. 

I could tell them that I’m shy but I’m worried that my body language will tell them otherwise as I often come across as somewhat aggressive and rude. 

I could tell them I’m not a people’s person but it’s not exactly true as I’m quite friendly inside but aloof outside.

I could tell them that that I’m not good with people. Or that I’m not comfortable with the new people. Or I’m not good at talking to people. 

Or maybe something else but I don’t know what. 

Something not too off putting but something that would explain why I won’t be exactly warm and chatty and all smiling-friendly. 

Even if I like someone. 

That my preferred kind of interaction is some kind of parallel interaction. Without really talking and interacting but working alongside (but I prefer to work alone) but it doesn’t mean I don’t like someone or that I’m angry. 

And that I’ll keep to myself but at the same time I’m really happy to be included.

That I’m walking contradiction.

I could tell them nothing but from experience I know that it will make me an outsider within a week. 

So not much to lose.

I’ve tried to google some ideas but I failed to find a good answer (maybe it’s not the problem with the lack of answers but with not asking the right questions)

It’s recurring problem because either I alienate myself or wait few weeks and get ostracised by the others.

  • Personally I don't bring it up but if the employer pulled me up for something (which they did for "not fitting in") I said it's just my nature that I'm quiet

  • I can't claim to be a resounding success at this, but here's a couple of suggestions.. 

    Before this meeting thingy takes place, get yourself in the best possible mindset, think about some of the great characteristics of You. This is to avoid projections of your low self esteem or perceived weaknesses on those around you when you feel vulnerable.  Talk to the mirror, warm up your face. 

    What I've done at work is skip over mentioning the Autism. But then talk to people as if you had told them. Don't refer to the A itself but if someone suggests, for example, a team bonding abseiling and whiskey tasting class, just say, that's not my thing. Or you can say, I'm the type of person that warms up slowly to people, or I'm not at my best in these situations. That way, you are not choosing to be a particular way with a particular person, you are just being authenticly you.

    Maybe something could be of some use to you.i hope for the best. 

  • in reply to The Riddler

    First - everyone (almost everyone) advices not to disclose at work because people’s attitudes change 

    Second - I don’t have official diagnosis yet (I’m on a waiting list)

    But then - I’ve got opinion from private psychologist with recommendation for a full assessment - it is not valid diagnosis in NHS eyes but my employer knows about it as I disclosed it to him over a year ago.

    Maybe I’m just creating problems where are none. I don’t know, maybe I AM complicating things.

  • Why not the truth? Just say you have autism/Aspergers. Most people will be fine with it. You run the risk of digging yourself into a hole by making something up. You have an opportunity with new people to be upfront and get it over with.

    Not saying it’ll be easy, but in the long run far better.

  • I honestly don't know what you should do or say but feel a ton of sympathy and empathy for you here. I would be worrying about it just as much as you!