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having children

NAS67369

Hi

I have not had a formal diagnosis but I think that it is highly likely that I have asperger syndrome.

I have discussed this with my wife and we both agree that it sounds a lot like some of what I previously thought could just be personality differences.

We are together for 10 years now.  Before this I had a number of attempts at internet dating and never really found anyone.  I think this is more than likely because of the way I can be different to other people.  The reason why I say this is because I never had any success with women until I met her in my late 20's.  I think over the years I have found ways of adjusting to the world.

Until recently I had this under control in that I have an ok job in IT and generally have a successful life.  I had short period of mild depression because of not relating to other people/women.  This all changed when I met my wife.  But over the last 3-4 years I have struggled to do the things that I enjoy because of various other more important things have taken priority.  My wife believes the things I do to be obsessions.  Sometimes I would agree with that description.  So for a while now I have had a feeling that I need a some time to do the things that I like.  

So my current problem after a long background story is that my wife now wants a baby.  We are at the age where we should not delay it.  In her mind she thinks that now is the time or never.  My problem is that I do not think I can handle being a parent.  My wife does all she can to help me think I can.  I do not think that I have what it takes to be a father.  I do not believe I can relate to children like other people can.  My assessment of the situation is a bit black and white.  I see many more disadvantages of having children than not.  I do require a lot of time to do what I enjoy and over the last few years this was difficult.  A lot of the people I work with are worn out by the first few years of having children.  I do not dislike children but also feel like I do not have any need to have them either.  I feel this is not a good reason to have children because it is what my wife wants.  I love her a lot and have never found anyone like her before.

So this is what has found me here researching what the problems could be with an aspergers parent.  I have also found some articles on the internet claiming that it can be 

hereditary.  Not sure how common this is but my uncle on my mothers side may have had it.  My father also has some of the traits with a big interest in trains and sport.  I also read that it could be more common with an older father.  So this is something that I do not know will happen but found it a bit upsetting a child could go through the same problems in life.

Parents

  • Children are a HUGE step.     There are huge positives and huge negatives but it's a no-return path once you decide.

    Children are easy when very young - similar to an interactive pet - you just feed them, clean them and play with them - and they sleep a lot.

    My daughter is what drove my diagnosis - as she got to about 7/8, I was unable to interact with her because she became way too emotionally complex for my simple mask to adapt fast enough to her growing up - and girls are so much more complex than boys so I was screwed.  

    It lead to my wife & I splitting duties with her until she was old enough to understand why daddy sometimes said the wrong things at the wrong times because he can't read the situation.

    I did all the non-emotional stuff like school run, colouring in, playing, reading, lunches, bath-times etc - the emotionally-simple interactions that are either neutral or happy things.   My wife did all the emotional support - the school interactions, the growing up social stuff, listening to her problems etc..

    She's now just finished uni and we've produced a very well balanced, mature, astonishing young lady - with a great understanding of ASD.

    How well do you understand yourself?   I'd have a long chat with your wife about your possible fatherly shortcomings and how, as a couple, you would find solutions that play to your individual strengths without just dumping it all on your wife - have a good think about how you could contribute at least 50% of a child's growing up needs..

Reply

  • Children are a HUGE step.     There are huge positives and huge negatives but it's a no-return path once you decide.

    Children are easy when very young - similar to an interactive pet - you just feed them, clean them and play with them - and they sleep a lot.

    My daughter is what drove my diagnosis - as she got to about 7/8, I was unable to interact with her because she became way too emotionally complex for my simple mask to adapt fast enough to her growing up - and girls are so much more complex than boys so I was screwed.  

    It lead to my wife & I splitting duties with her until she was old enough to understand why daddy sometimes said the wrong things at the wrong times because he can't read the situation.

    I did all the non-emotional stuff like school run, colouring in, playing, reading, lunches, bath-times etc - the emotionally-simple interactions that are either neutral or happy things.   My wife did all the emotional support - the school interactions, the growing up social stuff, listening to her problems etc..

    She's now just finished uni and we've produced a very well balanced, mature, astonishing young lady - with a great understanding of ASD.

    How well do you understand yourself?   I'd have a long chat with your wife about your possible fatherly shortcomings and how, as a couple, you would find solutions that play to your individual strengths without just dumping it all on your wife - have a good think about how you could contribute at least 50% of a child's growing up needs..

Children
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