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having children

NAS67369

Hi

I have not had a formal diagnosis but I think that it is highly likely that I have asperger syndrome.

I have discussed this with my wife and we both agree that it sounds a lot like some of what I previously thought could just be personality differences.

We are together for 10 years now.  Before this I had a number of attempts at internet dating and never really found anyone.  I think this is more than likely because of the way I can be different to other people.  The reason why I say this is because I never had any success with women until I met her in my late 20's.  I think over the years I have found ways of adjusting to the world.

Until recently I had this under control in that I have an ok job in IT and generally have a successful life.  I had short period of mild depression because of not relating to other people/women.  This all changed when I met my wife.  But over the last 3-4 years I have struggled to do the things that I enjoy because of various other more important things have taken priority.  My wife believes the things I do to be obsessions.  Sometimes I would agree with that description.  So for a while now I have had a feeling that I need a some time to do the things that I like.  

So my current problem after a long background story is that my wife now wants a baby.  We are at the age where we should not delay it.  In her mind she thinks that now is the time or never.  My problem is that I do not think I can handle being a parent.  My wife does all she can to help me think I can.  I do not think that I have what it takes to be a father.  I do not believe I can relate to children like other people can.  My assessment of the situation is a bit black and white.  I see many more disadvantages of having children than not.  I do require a lot of time to do what I enjoy and over the last few years this was difficult.  A lot of the people I work with are worn out by the first few years of having children.  I do not dislike children but also feel like I do not have any need to have them either.  I feel this is not a good reason to have children because it is what my wife wants.  I love her a lot and have never found anyone like her before.

So this is what has found me here researching what the problems could be with an aspergers parent.  I have also found some articles on the internet claiming that it can be 

hereditary.  Not sure how common this is but my uncle on my mothers side may have had it.  My father also has some of the traits with a big interest in trains and sport.  I also read that it could be more common with an older father.  So this is something that I do not know will happen but found it a bit upsetting a child could go through the same problems in life.

  • I was in a similar situation to you many years ago (when I had no clue that I might have Asperger's, I just thought I had lots of foibles as a result of many years of school bullying).

    It took my wife and I a long time to have our child (that's another story completely) and I was terrified that I'd made the decision to have a baby just because it's what she wanted.  I was terrified that I'd be the worst Dad in the world and just fail at it like I'd failed at everything else in my life previously.  I was worried that I'd care for it but not 'love' it...I was scared that I'd feel the same way about our baby that I did about my nieces and nephews.  I was worried about sleep (I used to love sleeping in most of the day), about not getting any time to do the things I wanted, about not getting time to myself, about not having the space I needed to decompress and refocus.

    I know a couple where the Mum pretty much looks after their son full time...the Dad always said he didn't want kids but his wife is the love of his life.  He's pretty much absent most of the time and on top of not really wanting children, he has a successful business that takes all of his time.  They make it work, although I sometimes feel sorry for the little boy...they have lots of money, so that also helps things.

    It's a personal choice and all anyone here can do it to relate their own situation in the hope that it'll help you.  A switch seemed to flick the second I saw my daughter...she's the most amazing thing in the world and we have a fantastic relationship (to the point that it sometimes upsets my wife how close we are).  I don't miss any of the things I thought I'd miss...I still get to do my own thing, just not as much, but the joy I get from my daughter makes up for anything I might have lost out on a million times over.  I feel that being a Dad is the only thing I've ever really been any good at.

  • I have not read the responses, but for what it's worth, let me give you my opinion as somebody who had similarities to your situation. I have been married for almost 9 years, but in a relationship for much longer. My child has just turned 8. I am undiagnosed but sure that I am AS and am looking into having an official diagnosis. Firstly, fatherhood is hard even if you don't have aspergers. What I will say is that it can change you for the better, and help you deal with some of the issues you have. For example, I am more patient now (still plenty more to do!) and I feel love for somebody, a love that I have never felt before. It took time though; I didn't feel like a father from day one, I didn't feel the love from day one and I wasn't responsible from day one. But over the first few months and beyond, I grew as she grew. It's not a bed of roses though, as I still struggle to be as patient as I would like, I am not as empathetic as I feel I should be and my other foibles can impede my day-to-day relationship with my daughter. But it is a mostly positive experience, so much so that we are considering adding to our family (if our age allows it!) Hope this helps.

  • Children are a HUGE step.     There are huge positives and huge negatives but it's a no-return path once you decide.

    Children are easy when very young - similar to an interactive pet - you just feed them, clean them and play with them - and they sleep a lot.

    My daughter is what drove my diagnosis - as she got to about 7/8, I was unable to interact with her because she became way too emotionally complex for my simple mask to adapt fast enough to her growing up - and girls are so much more complex than boys so I was screwed.  

    It lead to my wife & I splitting duties with her until she was old enough to understand why daddy sometimes said the wrong things at the wrong times because he can't read the situation.

    I did all the non-emotional stuff like school run, colouring in, playing, reading, lunches, bath-times etc - the emotionally-simple interactions that are either neutral or happy things.   My wife did all the emotional support - the school interactions, the growing up social stuff, listening to her problems etc..

    She's now just finished uni and we've produced a very well balanced, mature, astonishing young lady - with a great understanding of ASD.

    How well do you understand yourself?   I'd have a long chat with your wife about your possible fatherly shortcomings and how, as a couple, you would find solutions that play to your individual strengths without just dumping it all on your wife - have a good think about how you could contribute at least 50% of a child's growing up needs..

  • This is a discussion I have had on a fair few occasions with my family. Especially being female I feel at times there is a lot more pressure for me to experience being a mum at some point in my life but also strongly feel that it’s not something I actually want and would be because other people would want me to and that is not a basis to build a family on. 

    I am still young and do not have the time pressure or health worries per say that would add to that decision so I don’t know if I will feel differently in ten years time. I had always thought growing up that I would feel different once I hit adulthood and that becoming something to really thing about but so far nothing has changed if anything I feel more stronger now that I don’t think being a parent is for me.

    I also feel for me and how I feel there are more cons than pros to having a child of my own. I will make a great aunt if and when my siblings decide to go down that route and there are cousins with kids and those still to have them that I will always be around them and do love and value the time I spend with them. I do know I won’t be pressured into having children for anyone unless I do decide it’s something I want especially as it is like be my body that would have to go through it. 

  • Hi  Firstly I agree with Plectrum - having a child is a decision for you & your partner and it's hard regardless of autism.  I'm an autistic single mum to 2 teenagers  and raising kids is hard but would have been hard if I wasn't autistic.  Maybe it was harder for them having to deal with my anxiety and lack of social skills but having kids really helped with that because you will do everything you can for your kids.  

    My kids aren't autistic but have some traits/behaviours and they openly talk about whether that is because that was what was normal for them growing up.  I can't help you decide if you should have kids but I replied I think the benefits are definitely more than  the hard times.  Both my kids say they think they had a more interesting and fun childhood because they had an autistic mum and they are happy that they got to see a different way of being to the normal way.  It has helped them to be understanding and caring young adults who accept differences and the world needs more people like that.  Obviously as teenagers they also regularly say I am ruining their lives but they are supposed to do that sometimes!!!

  • Hi

    First and foremost I think you should make the decision to have children or not as a life decision and a couple decision, and not an AS one.  Your AS brings both strengths and weaknesses to you as a person.   Most people on the spectrum do not regret being born (and their parents don't regret it either) so having a child with AS is not the end of the world.  

    If you feel it is what you desire but you're worried about coping on a practical level, you can maybe discuss your anxieties with your wife along with pros and cons.

    Did you know that there are counsellors who specifically work with decisions around having children?  It is mandatory for anyone going through surrogacy or donor insemination. But the same counsellors can give advice to people who just want to discuss the suitability of having their own children. They are usually called fertility counsellors. If you are willing to pay for a session it could be good to go adn talk with a 3rd party. They won't make a decision for you but they will help bring issues into the light.