I've always been different.

This my first post. I feel a little strange writing this because I don't have a diagnoses. I guess Im looking to make contacts with people that were diagnosed as adults (Im 32) and what their path was like. I always felt different and out of place. I had a lot of emotional trauma in childhood and always thought I was this way because of it. Have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but was never able to get proper treatment. However not everything adds up. Because I never knew who I was in order to function I became a master of adapting, meaning I could "fit" anywhere by just mimicking people around me. I can be friends with anyone because of it and I've been part of every tribe. But all I really wanted was to be left alone, people and social interactions overwhelm me, so all my "friendships" were always very superficial. I live in my own head and interacting with people is really just a pain. Im most happy when Im by myself. I lose friends because I don't contact them, even if I love them dearly. I have no problems reading facial expressions, in fact I am very good at reading people, but I don't understand emotion very well unless I rationalise it. I've been called cold a lot and I can't understand people that act out of emotion alone. Everything I do needs to be planned and structured before I do it, from planning a trip, to house cleaning and daily routine. It's a lot of spreadsheet. However, executing the plan is a whole other story, all I want to do is obsess over things in my head, I feel like Im in a constant hypnotic state and now that I am a mum it's a real struggle. I don't think I had the "well known" symptoms of being in the spectrum when I was a toddler, and if I did my mother wouldn't be able to tell anyway. From what I remember, I was an odd child, quiet, often called sad or strange and was way ahead of other children my age in terms of cognitive development. I remember people saying I spoke like an adult, not a child. Im not expecting a diagnoses here, I just had to put some of this in writing, its the first time i do it, even though I didn't put everything down or I could definitely write a few pages, and maybe someone will relate to it? Not sure. If you have been diagnosed in the spectrum as an adult you can contact me, I would love to hear your story. Please don't be offended if I don't reply straight away, call it social anxiety or symptoms of being autistic, my brain has its own timing when it comes to engaging in a conversation with others. But I would still really appreciate it if you contact me. 

Thank you for taking the time to read it. 

  • Hi @myra.88 and welcome.

    One of the things that I really gain from these forums is realising how much we have in common. I just wanted to say what you say resonates so much with me. You probably are autistic (not that my opinion counts for much!) but only you can decide if you wish to pursue a diagnosis. For me (diagnosed last year at age 42) it has helped me understand who I am, be more kind to myself and realise I'm not the bad person the rest of the world had tried to convince me I am just because I am different from most!

    Hope to get to know you,

    Mark

  • Hi well done for being brave to write it out for the first time.

    I was diagnosed a few years ago when I was 50 after feeling like I had been different for ever.  It's one of the best things that ever happened to me - the other best things are my kids!  It won't change who you are but will give you a new way to think about. yourself and a better way - there's no longer something wrong with you that you need to change but you are different and different doesn't mean less.   It won't make it easier to make or keep friends and unfortunately it won't make depression and anxiety go away either.  I was a weird kid, I drew obsessively, made up clubs with books of rules but never had any friends to be in them.  If my kids had behaved how I did I would have been so worried about them - but the 70's was a long time ago & kids just got on with things.  I never really had any friends & actually ran away from people but I did well in school and didn't bother anyone - just watched old movies over and over again.  

    Now I think about it I was a weird young adult as well and always felt like I didn't understand people & how they connected.  Having my kids probably saved me because you have to do things and interact with people for them.  After always battling with depression and anxiety which I never told anyone because I actually thought I was crazy & if I told anyone what it was actually like in my head I wouldn't be able to keep my kids or my job (I'm a teacher) - a few years ago I reached a point where I couldn't cope anymore.  

    Now I have an autism diagnosis and I'm not crazy.  Initially I did feel like my brain imploded and the hard thing is that to everyone nothing has changed and they can't imagine why it is important.  It is hard to explain to someone what it is like to find out something that explains so much about you that you never knew.  I have read so many books about autism, autism and late diagnosis which have really helped me to not feel alone & understand myself more and I've written zines about it myself which has helped to sort out my feeling in my head.  

    It's hard to feel different all the time because some of those differences make it harder to live in the world but I think you have to think that other people don't know you feel like that & if you don't tell them then how can they make it easier for you.  I'm still trying to figure out a way to do that!

  • Hi Myra, thank you for reaching out. I've been married for 12yrs and have 2 kids and there's so much in your post that resonates same for me.

    My wife has to put up with me tuning out and not meeting her emotional needs.

    My wife has diagnosed me with Aspergers, and reading up on it and talking to her about it there's lots of traits I have.

    I'm able to be very social but also sit back and observe social situations, if I can't see someones mouth I find it harder to understand what they are saying.

    My wife is frustrated that im not be proactive to fix and sort myself, I do get head fog and executive functioning

    Thanku for listening

  • Hello Myra.88, is there a way of personal messaging? I cannot seem to find a way.

    I am in my thirties, undiagnosed and have children also. There are things that I really struggle with, I seem to flap my hands and repeat extracts of songs that are stuck in my head while doing so a lot more recently. Flapping is something I learned was "odd" rather early and growing up I learned to "hide" it,  only doing it when alone, mostly I would take myself to the bathroom to do it, or in my bedroom. However, as I have gotten older and my life got more complex with more responsibilities, I have found myself doing it more and more often. Once I got my own place, it was my sanctuary and I was free to do it whenever I wished, although I did it much less, probably because everything was on my terms and so there was less stress; it made me more relaxed and happier in general. Fast forward a few years, I met my partner and, despite trying to hide it from her, she spotted me doing it once, I couldn't explain why I do it, just that I do. She has been fine about it and I flap freely in front her when the compulsion arises, however, since having our children it is becoming an issue. I am doing it more and more often and she continues to ask for me to do it out of site of the children, she doesn't want them copying me and thinking it's "normal" and then getting bullied because of it. I understand, but it is so so hard nowadays to control it. I am even finding myself do it outside of the house when I believe no one is around, only to realise that I was wrong and feeling embarrassed about it and hoping that they don't confront me about it.

    Sorry for the rant, it is something I am struggling with at the moment and I have no one I can talk to about it, but felt that maybe you would understand, at least in some way, about how I am feeling. Like you, this is the first time I have put it into writing! I have to say, it feels good to be able to express myself like this.

    How many children do you have? Age? I have twins aged 2.

    I hope to chat to you soon, Stay Safe.

    x

  • Hello! and welcome. Im new too. Not sure if i am allowed to reply but figured it might help you out a little. I never knew I was autistic, nor did my parents. As a baby i was non stop crying. As a toddler/pre school age i was very shy and quiet. Reserved, but also emotional. When i started school i was still quiet but i did enjoy joining in with activities. In secondary school i was bullied :( badly. and that really knocked me down. I was waking up and just thinking to myself why does everyone at school hate me? They didnt hate me, they just didnt understand that i was different. At the end of secondary school, going up to college age 16, I was hyper all the time. Running, shouting, swearing, laughing, cracking jokes. My favourite thing to do was pop my crisp packet in the corridor because it echoed all the way down. The amount of times i had to walk past stern faced teachers look at me as i tried to hide a smirk and a crumped crisp packet in my jacket pocket, those were the days. I was diagnosed 28th November 2018, I remember breaking down in tears with my mum because i had finally got a "label" to my personality. I like my label now come to think of it. I try to keep it on the down low, but if i have a break down at work I tell my colleages straight away that im not just some insecure lad who cant cant hold back tears... yeah im 18 and still cry like a baby over the smallest things. Where was i, oh yeah in 2014 my best friend passed away from a brain tumour :( that hit my like a rock. It rocked me. I had to get over that some how. i took councilling which was terrible to put it honestly. All i did was play dominos/cards. What good is that?

    Fast forward to a day after my diagnosis, the 29th November 2019, i asked my now girlfriend out :) As you can guess she said yes. 9months after beginning the relationship me, Yna (shes filipino) and her mother are jetting off to the Philippines for the holiday of a lifetime. It was amazing, like nothing ive ever seen before. The climate, the people, the thunderstorms (ENORMOUS) and the malls, the malls are supersize.

    My girlfriend is so great, she makes me laugh many times a day and is always there when i'm having a breakdown. Dont get me wrong, this lockdown is taking its toll on a lot of people and the same is true for me and Yna.

    For the most part I do what i love (fly virtual planes around the sky on my PC) and listen to rap music (eminem)

    I guess you could class me as a less developed adult but hey ho, heres my tale.