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Will someone with aspergers push away a person they care about?

NAS67035

Trying to cut a long story short. Boyfriend who I have a 9 month old son with has aspergers. He can't cope with any form of conflict, confrontation or seeing people upset. His mum is very controlling over him and uses his aspergers to manipulate him, e.g knows he cant cope with being confronted or her crying so she will go on and on at him then will cry, knowing he will then do what she wants to quickly stop it. I wont follow her controlling rules (such as only spending time with him when she says, or contacting him via her....we are 30!!) So she started trying to cause us a lot of trouble to split us up. She was also very nasty to me continuously. He confided in me that she always does with anyone he spends time with, girlfriend and friends etc. And that her causing stress to anyone he cares about is the one thing that bothers him the most and he "literally cant cope with someone being upset for anything relating to him". He will never confront the mum due his aspergers and he says she thinks she is helping him. If anyone tries to tell her for him she goes crying to him so he promises her she has never upset him. So it carried on and she started sending me abuse again 2 weeks a go and since that day I havent heard from my boyfriend and he hasnt even been to see our son. I have only sent two messages, one asking if he is ok and one photo of our son. He bumped in to my mum and all he said was he cant open my messages because he cant deal with it.  From what he said to me before, is it possible he is cutting me off because he cant cope with his mum upsetting me?  And if so how on earth can I resolve it? If I show his mum/family the messages about how much his mum is stressing him out then I've betrayed his trust and will also cause upset in his family. If I say nothing then his mum has succeeded again, I lose him and our son has potentially lost his dad. But can someone really be that unable to cope with the stress/upset from all this that they would give up their relationship and son? I have often thought would it be kinder to leave him alone and spare him all this stress but he told me how happy he is and how I'm the first person he has ever seen a proper future with and can be himself around because I actually understand him when others cant. I dont want to just give up on him but really cannot see a way out of this one 

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  • Oh yes! I do this alot! I need time to myself to breathe and cope with life. I tend to disappear for months, even years. If I’m really invested in the friendship, I’ll warn the person in advance, and explain what’s happening. It’s like I feel more, take on more, absorb more from other people generally, and if I don’t shut myself off at intervals, my health seems to suffer. I feel mortified that I might be hurting someone by disappearing, but it feels like a matter of survival. If a baby or child was involved, and a significant other, I would make it a priority to communicate and take responsibility for ensuring that they were as happy as possible. Nothing matters more than family, and nothing would be more important to me than ensuring I limited any damage or hurt to what would be the most important part of my life. It’s one thing to be overwhelmed with everything, but I would draw the line at walking out and disappearing indefinitely. That sounds devastating to a relationship. If I had a significant other who was the father of my child, if he placed his Mother over and above us, and continued to do this, rather than choose to work on whatever issues was causing him to leave, I’d start a new life. If he’s not willing to or able to communicate, and place your relationship above all else, then he cannot be relied upon. Sounds like he needs some good advice, as he’s risking losing you and a family life, that many can only dream of.

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  • Oh yes! I do this alot! I need time to myself to breathe and cope with life. I tend to disappear for months, even years. If I’m really invested in the friendship, I’ll warn the person in advance, and explain what’s happening. It’s like I feel more, take on more, absorb more from other people generally, and if I don’t shut myself off at intervals, my health seems to suffer. I feel mortified that I might be hurting someone by disappearing, but it feels like a matter of survival. If a baby or child was involved, and a significant other, I would make it a priority to communicate and take responsibility for ensuring that they were as happy as possible. Nothing matters more than family, and nothing would be more important to me than ensuring I limited any damage or hurt to what would be the most important part of my life. It’s one thing to be overwhelmed with everything, but I would draw the line at walking out and disappearing indefinitely. That sounds devastating to a relationship. If I had a significant other who was the father of my child, if he placed his Mother over and above us, and continued to do this, rather than choose to work on whatever issues was causing him to leave, I’d start a new life. If he’s not willing to or able to communicate, and place your relationship above all else, then he cannot be relied upon. Sounds like he needs some good advice, as he’s risking losing you and a family life, that many can only dream of.

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