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Will someone with aspergers push away a person they care about?

NAS67035

Trying to cut a long story short. Boyfriend who I have a 9 month old son with has aspergers. He can't cope with any form of conflict, confrontation or seeing people upset. His mum is very controlling over him and uses his aspergers to manipulate him, e.g knows he cant cope with being confronted or her crying so she will go on and on at him then will cry, knowing he will then do what she wants to quickly stop it. I wont follow her controlling rules (such as only spending time with him when she says, or contacting him via her....we are 30!!) So she started trying to cause us a lot of trouble to split us up. She was also very nasty to me continuously. He confided in me that she always does with anyone he spends time with, girlfriend and friends etc. And that her causing stress to anyone he cares about is the one thing that bothers him the most and he "literally cant cope with someone being upset for anything relating to him". He will never confront the mum due his aspergers and he says she thinks she is helping him. If anyone tries to tell her for him she goes crying to him so he promises her she has never upset him. So it carried on and she started sending me abuse again 2 weeks a go and since that day I havent heard from my boyfriend and he hasnt even been to see our son. I have only sent two messages, one asking if he is ok and one photo of our son. He bumped in to my mum and all he said was he cant open my messages because he cant deal with it.  From what he said to me before, is it possible he is cutting me off because he cant cope with his mum upsetting me?  And if so how on earth can I resolve it? If I show his mum/family the messages about how much his mum is stressing him out then I've betrayed his trust and will also cause upset in his family. If I say nothing then his mum has succeeded again, I lose him and our son has potentially lost his dad. But can someone really be that unable to cope with the stress/upset from all this that they would give up their relationship and son? I have often thought would it be kinder to leave him alone and spare him all this stress but he told me how happy he is and how I'm the first person he has ever seen a proper future with and can be himself around because I actually understand him when others cant. I dont want to just give up on him but really cannot see a way out of this one 

  • It needs to be him that initiates the change. He needs to negotiate a balance between his mother and his own family. If the mother is controlling but somehow doing it out of narcissistic love, she will probably accept a change of terms if presented with the choice.  She just doesn't reveal that because she enjoys the total power.  But he needs to do it.  He may need to be empowered and helped.  Can he get it from a therapist or counsellor?  

  • Oh yes! I do this alot! I need time to myself to breathe and cope with life. I tend to disappear for months, even years. If I’m really invested in the friendship, I’ll warn the person in advance, and explain what’s happening. It’s like I feel more, take on more, absorb more from other people generally, and if I don’t shut myself off at intervals, my health seems to suffer. I feel mortified that I might be hurting someone by disappearing, but it feels like a matter of survival. If a baby or child was involved, and a significant other, I would make it a priority to communicate and take responsibility for ensuring that they were as happy as possible. Nothing matters more than family, and nothing would be more important to me than ensuring I limited any damage or hurt to what would be the most important part of my life. It’s one thing to be overwhelmed with everything, but I would draw the line at walking out and disappearing indefinitely. That sounds devastating to a relationship. If I had a significant other who was the father of my child, if he placed his Mother over and above us, and continued to do this, rather than choose to work on whatever issues was causing him to leave, I’d start a new life. If he’s not willing to or able to communicate, and place your relationship above all else, then he cannot be relied upon. Sounds like he needs some good advice, as he’s risking losing you and a family life, that many can only dream of.

  • in reply to NAS67035

    Greetings again; a great User named "Plastic" has written a more understanding reply below - I would only add a little to this:

    NAS67035 said:
    he told me how happy he is and how I'm the first person he has ever seen a proper future with and can be himself around because I actually understand him when others cant.

    ...Have a go at building upon this! Talk about it and create Your own future, seperate from anyone that tries to ruin that... Also, You say You have a Son...? And no-one else had anything to do with *that* apart from His Parents (!), so that must count for *something*, surely... (!) Make Your Child the Centre of a Future Together please... it has to be a separate future by default anyway.  So... I really cannot know what else to say after this again now... again. (I am not a parent.)

    Good Luck again...  

  • Hi - from what you say, you are on to a loser with this situation.

    Our biggest need is safety and stability and that is usually found in the home environment being looked after by our parents - zero stress, zero responsibilities.        His mother sounds like a real piece of work and she knows she can easily manipulate him - so she, and his desire for safety, will always win against anyone she wants out of the way.

    You have to remember he's had 30 years of programming of where 'safe' is - it's at 'home' with his 'loving mother' so it'll be almost impossible for him to replace that concept in his own mind.

    He needs to wake up and make some hard decisions - but his ability to easily avoid reality will make that very hard.

    Good luck with this.

  • in reply to Disambiguating Cynosure

    That's very helpful thank you. Apolgies for the original post being long and difficult to follow. My boyfriend has always asked for any messages to be broken down in to shorter sections so I should have taken that in to consideration when posting

  • Greetings, NAS67035... Your OP (opening post) is a touch difficult to follow, being in one big paragraph/block and all. But I post to offer some insight over the Title... contrary to what is generally said about "Autistic" persons, the reason some/all of us might 'push people away' is because certain emotions are *Amplified* a great deal for us. This is why We shut down or such; yet in Your case perhaps, if a new person or emotion is experienced then if it is overwhelming - respect, love, hate, problem-solving, distress, whatever - then it may be shut out or 'pushed away', especially if there is a problem occurring in a relationship that cannot clearly/easily be solved.

    (Sorry I cannot currently follow exactly what You mean, but generally stepping back and taking things at a pace which everyone can follow is the best way to resolve things - talk it through with everyone and if it involves secrets or emotions blowing up, then leave off for a bit to let anyone calm down. Try to see things from another's point-of-view, or something.)

    I cannot really know what else to say after that, but I most of all wanted to say what I just said about 'extreme emotions being painful sometimes', in case no-one else explains it that way for You. I Apologise if this sounds cold, but genuinely Good Luck To You.

  • 100% yes - I push people I care away a lot and have sabotaged amazing friendships. I hate myself for it but it’s what I do when stressed and not coping with things.