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Why is it so hard to make friends if you try so hard to fit in?

NAS67092

If you put a lot of time and effort into making friends and other people say you are so sweet and nice but don't tend to develop close friendships with you, what can you do? I feel like people still don't want my company because 99 out of 100 people find me uninteresting and extremely boring. My interests and their interests are so different but what can I do? I don't want to pretend I care about stuff I don't know anything about. I have tried to broaden my horizons. Instead of gaining interest in new things, I've even lost interest in what I used to care about. As you get older, things can get lonely even without autism. I wish there was a way to meet like-minded people in person instead of feeling like the odd one out in social situations. Sometimes I observe how some NTs who put very little effort into friendships excel at maintaining friendships. I always try to do so much for people, I am a real people-pleaser and in a way, they like me but not as a friend, I am more of like a co-worker who helps them a lot but they wouldn't want to spend their free time with me. I have also noticed numerous times with many people that I have great one-on-one conversations but when another person arrives, the conversation continues between those 2 people with me being marginalised and eventually left out of the conversation as if I was only good to talk to when there isn't someone better around. I still don't understand why these things happen. I have always thought people like to be pleased and never argued with. I often bite my tongue and allow others to have things their way. What is good enough if that isn't?    

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  • To answer your question, because we don’t fit in! My wife and I have a group of “friends” we go out with. Every so often I have to go out With “the lads”. Which I hate. It always involves meeting in a noisy pub, followed by sitting in an equally noisy Indian restaurant, while each member of the group shouts at the others to offer their latest anecdote. I don’t get any of it. I often become aware that I’m sat in the corner not saying anything, or the other extreme, where I have to speak so loud to make myself heard that I become conscious of my own voice. Then I feel like everyone looks at me with a disgruntled look, as if to say, “ok, lets pause our conversation and listen to this nonsense for a minute” so I go back to saying nothing.

    I think Plastic hit it on the head though. I think everyone else is so superficial, the crap they talk about is almost unbearable. For me I’m good at talking about 1 topic in detail with a like minded person. That way I can get involved, keep up with what’s going on and I’m more assured that there will be no confrontation. Once I became aware that I had talked to one guy when we were out about Waste Management (my job at the time) for nearly an hour. I think I missed all the signs that he wanted to get away. Really it’s like metal detecting, most of the time it’s the same old beep, beep, beep. Then every so often you find a gold coin. Enjoy the gold coins!

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  • To answer your question, because we don’t fit in! My wife and I have a group of “friends” we go out with. Every so often I have to go out With “the lads”. Which I hate. It always involves meeting in a noisy pub, followed by sitting in an equally noisy Indian restaurant, while each member of the group shouts at the others to offer their latest anecdote. I don’t get any of it. I often become aware that I’m sat in the corner not saying anything, or the other extreme, where I have to speak so loud to make myself heard that I become conscious of my own voice. Then I feel like everyone looks at me with a disgruntled look, as if to say, “ok, lets pause our conversation and listen to this nonsense for a minute” so I go back to saying nothing.

    I think Plastic hit it on the head though. I think everyone else is so superficial, the crap they talk about is almost unbearable. For me I’m good at talking about 1 topic in detail with a like minded person. That way I can get involved, keep up with what’s going on and I’m more assured that there will be no confrontation. Once I became aware that I had talked to one guy when we were out about Waste Management (my job at the time) for nearly an hour. I think I missed all the signs that he wanted to get away. Really it’s like metal detecting, most of the time it’s the same old beep, beep, beep. Then every so often you find a gold coin. Enjoy the gold coins!

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