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Relationship help - dating someone with autism/aspergers and unsure of what is best to do

NAS67035

Sorry this may be long. The man I'm seeing is on the spectrum, I believe his diagnosis was for aspergers or high functioning autism but he never shared the full details/outcome of his assessment. He is very high functioning and only really struggles with communication and anxiety, but for communication he struggles in a massive way. His family have never understood his issues or taken the time to try and see things in his way, and are just very nasty about him. Luckily I have worked in an SEN school and my teenage sister also has autism so I understood him very well and helped him get the diagnosis. We've worked through a lot of things together, I've needed a lot of patience at times and I did lots of research on how to communicate with an adult on the spectrum so as not to distress him etc, and he has now developed a huge level of trust with me and really opens up to me about a lot of things, even talks openly about his feelings (via text message when not in my house, he cant handle a face to face conversation about anything serious). So things are great, with the exception of one thing which I cant understand. Whenever he is faced with something stressful, he shuts off from me completely. As in just suddenly disappears for between 3 and 5 days at a time with no warning or explantion, wont open any messages, and on those days doesnt even come to visit our son who we now have together (9 months old) or even ask how he is. I should add we dont live together yet, perhaps due to him needing his own space a lot. I often never get any sort of explanation for these 'episodes' and I just have to carry on as normal because if I try to question it or confront him he would just take off again. Now I fully understand that if he is overwhelmed by something he may just need to shut off from everyone and every thing. But it is really hard to believe it's nothing I've done when he shuts me out to the point he wont open a message or visit his son and for that amount of time. Can anyone tell me if this is normal behaviour or whether I should be wondering if the problem he has is actually with me? For example this time he hasnt been in touch since Thursday afternoon, hasnt opened my watsapp messages but has been active on facebook and instagram. And he knows how distressing I find it each time he disappears so it makes me wonder if he can really care that much. So just really wondering, is this something I just need to accept isnt personal, its not sonething he can help and it's just what he needs to do to get through stressful times. And I just keep carrying on letting it happen and say nothing. Or is this something he is doing without caring and knowing I wont ever say anything, so I should address it with him even though it could push him away for good? Any advice greatly appreciated. Thanks 

Parents

  • There could be a couple of things going on here.     One could be to do with how independent he is - the mask we build for ourselves to get us through the daily social nightmare can become very rigid over time - we rely on it like Dumbo's Magic Feather.       It gets harder to modify it to allow someone to see through to the 'real' us underneath.      He may be struggling with adapting his mask to include you as there's a conflict with holding you outside and allowing you in - basic trust issues.

    The other could be him not being able to manage his stress and anxiety.    His life might be chaotic so he could be running at 99% overload all the time.     He will appear to be functioning perfectly well on the outside because of his mask, but the slightest extra demand may push him into full overload and internal meltdown.      Still nothing to see from the outside, but his brain may need to reset and need time to process and defrag everything that is going on for him.       It is likely that he no spare processing available to interact with you.     You will see time passing while he goes off-line but to him, no time has passed.       He will consider your relationship to be continuous without gaps - only you see the gaps.

    Only time and your ability to be constant and predictable will help the first.        The second is all about reducing stress for him - getting some process time available in his head so he can think about nice things.

    Depending on where you are in the relationship, sending him an e-mail may be easier for him to deal with - no need for instant reply so less pressure applied.     It's a bit complicated during this lockdown, but spending time with him doing things he finds relaxing is a good way of de-stressing him to get him into a receptive mode to chat about stuff - like visiting a museum if he's into planes or cars.     Let him know you're there to help him de-stress.

    There is of course a big disclaimer - just because he's ASD, it doesn't exempt him from being a D-bag and using you and messing you around.      Make sure you are getting your needs met in the relationship.    My wife is a highly skilled counsellor and she tells me I am impossible to 'read' - so open and honest communication on both sides is imperative.

Reply

  • There could be a couple of things going on here.     One could be to do with how independent he is - the mask we build for ourselves to get us through the daily social nightmare can become very rigid over time - we rely on it like Dumbo's Magic Feather.       It gets harder to modify it to allow someone to see through to the 'real' us underneath.      He may be struggling with adapting his mask to include you as there's a conflict with holding you outside and allowing you in - basic trust issues.

    The other could be him not being able to manage his stress and anxiety.    His life might be chaotic so he could be running at 99% overload all the time.     He will appear to be functioning perfectly well on the outside because of his mask, but the slightest extra demand may push him into full overload and internal meltdown.      Still nothing to see from the outside, but his brain may need to reset and need time to process and defrag everything that is going on for him.       It is likely that he no spare processing available to interact with you.     You will see time passing while he goes off-line but to him, no time has passed.       He will consider your relationship to be continuous without gaps - only you see the gaps.

    Only time and your ability to be constant and predictable will help the first.        The second is all about reducing stress for him - getting some process time available in his head so he can think about nice things.

    Depending on where you are in the relationship, sending him an e-mail may be easier for him to deal with - no need for instant reply so less pressure applied.     It's a bit complicated during this lockdown, but spending time with him doing things he finds relaxing is a good way of de-stressing him to get him into a receptive mode to chat about stuff - like visiting a museum if he's into planes or cars.     Let him know you're there to help him de-stress.

    There is of course a big disclaimer - just because he's ASD, it doesn't exempt him from being a D-bag and using you and messing you around.      Make sure you are getting your needs met in the relationship.    My wife is a highly skilled counsellor and she tells me I am impossible to 'read' - so open and honest communication on both sides is imperative.

Children
  • in reply to Plastic

    Thank you for taking the time to write such an informative reply . He is certainly overloaded at the moment, he has so much going on it's enough to make anyone stressed. No one else knows the full extent of troubles he is having at the moment but he has been letting me help in some areas, but with other things still likes to handle them alone and pretend he is ok. I've been trying to be his 'calm place' if that makes sense, when he is here I promise never to mention anything stressful he has going on, we just chill and watch funny TV, have a couple of drinks or make some food as he loves cooking. I can usually work out the trigger and and often shuts off from everyone completely without even having his phone on. But I just cant understand this one, he left mine Thurs evening, I sent a nice message thanking him for something he got me and wished him a goodnight to be completely ignored since. Yet he seems to have been active on watsapp and social media. So I'm extra worried this time. I will remain as patient as I can be for another couple of days