Relationship help - dating someone with autism/aspergers and unsure of what is best to do

Thank you so much, this has really helped. Hearing how it could be for him helps me to understand. I like the idea of a code or him just sending an emoji. Will definitely suggest something like that (if I ever hear from him again) 

He has his own place so stays there. And I know he usually drinks alcohol (not excessively) and binge watches TV series. I did wonder last time was he wanting to break away, but it's actually him who openly said about his feeling for me and what he wants for the future before I ever mentioned anything. Said how he wanted to be a family etc. He is used to being a dad as he has a 9 year old from previous relationship. I did question it with him and say with other things he is facing would it be easier and less pressure for him if we took a step back and were just good friends, basically gave him a get out option and he declined and spent ages saying he cares about me too much. I have carefully worded a message for a time I know he isnt stressed. Being firm enough to let him know this isnt ok, but without showing any emotion or anger. Just saying I want to try and understand. Thank you again for all your advice 

I’m an autistic woman and the past two days I’ve done the same as your partner. Last week work completely overloaded me, my mental health took a huge dive and I was just unable to cope with having to “people”. 

The toll of masking always takes me by surprise, whilst I’m doing it it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but when I get home I am so exhausted and overwhelmed that if people text me it’s just too much demand to carry on masking and respond to them. Over the weekend people texted me - people who I love and care deeply for, who were concerned for my wellbeing - but I just did not have the capacity to open their messages or respond to them. If people asked if I was ok I did not know what to say - I needed help but had no idea what that help would look like and did not want to be a burden to them. Knowing they had messaged me and thought of me was enough to know that they cared, I just could not formulate any sort of response or deal with the mental load of reading a message.  In some ways I figured not opening their message would be better for them anyway, so they just figured I hadn’t seen it rather than me reading it and choosing to not respond.

I was still active on social media, as my Facebook and Instagram are now “curated” to only show me things which are not detrimental to my mental health (such as cute animals, things related to my special interests etc). I was not engaging with anyone but just opening them up and scrolling through was a low-demand way to pass the time until I could go to bed again. In between I did a lot of sitting doing absolutely nothing, literally just staring into space or staring out of the window. No music, no tv. Just staring. My brain needed to reset. 

So, I would say that it sounds like your partner is just going through multiple shutdowns. He enjoys your company, cares about you and trusts you enough to open up to you in a way he feel he can cope with. He knows you care about him. He probably feels guilty for “going missing” but may not know how to communicate that to you, especially if he doesn’t really know what’s going on himself. He may not need help, just time to reset before he will be back to being able to respond. 

Personally, I am considering ways to communicate further shutdowns to my family and friends. Some sort of “code” to communicate that I’m alright, I just can’t respond right now. It might be an emoji or I might create an image with text in it that I can send so that I am not required to think about what to say to them. Before I had this experience I found it hard to understand how just replying to a text could be too demanding, but having gone through it myself it genuinely is just too much at the time. 

I hope this helps, and I hope your partner is ok and can reduce his stress and anxiety in the long term. 

It's really unfair of him to ignore you and your son.     Does he feel trapped by the idea of a family?     Does the responsibility fry his brain?      Does the whole 'I'm a dad' thing blow his mind so his only way to deal with it is to run away?

If he's active on social media but unwilling to engage with you and explain himself and what's *really* going on for him, it might be that he's trying to get away but lacks the courage to actually leave.     We suffer from overblown guilt feelings so he may want to leave but is unable to breakaway fully so he may be playing at life - not knowing which way to turn - a life of normality, wife, 2.4 kids and a Labrador and a mortgage - or - freedom and being selfish to himself without responsibility - the life of a perpetual child.

Do you know where he goes when he's away from you?       Is he sleeping in his car or at his friends or parents?

If you interrogate him, he will clam up or get angry or give flippant/hurtful answers.     If you get angry or show any emotion when you chat to him, it will add complication to the discussion which will take longer for him to process so he will clam up again.     You need to get him in a de-stressed state (museum visit etc.) and chat to him in the same way you would discuss choosing a washing machine - simple, emotionless, factual and ask him about what he really wants to do.      Try to explain to him that his behaviours, while understandable, are unacceptable and that it is really disrespectful to you and your child.      You have a right to know what's going on - for better or worse so you can move forward with your life and get some stability.   Right now, he's messing you around and he's making all the decisions to suit himself with no regard to anyone else's happiness.

Hope things work out for you and you get some answers from him that allow you to move forwards.

Thank you for taking the time to write such an informative reply . He is certainly overloaded at the moment, he has so much going on it's enough to make anyone stressed. No one else knows the full extent of troubles he is having at the moment but he has been letting me help in some areas, but with other things still likes to handle them alone and pretend he is ok. I've been trying to be his 'calm place' if that makes sense, when he is here I promise never to mention anything stressful he has going on, we just chill and watch funny TV, have a couple of drinks or make some food as he loves cooking. I can usually work out the trigger and and often shuts off from everyone completely without even having his phone on. But I just cant understand this one, he left mine Thurs evening, I sent a nice message thanking him for something he got me and wished him a goodnight to be completely ignored since. Yet he seems to have been active on watsapp and social media. So I'm extra worried this time. I will remain as patient as I can be for another couple of days 

Thank you for such and honest reply. I will try the idea of something in the daily routine

There could be a couple of things going on here.     One could be to do with how independent he is - the mask we build for ourselves to get us through the daily social nightmare can become very rigid over time - we rely on it like Dumbo's Magic Feather.       It gets harder to modify it to allow someone to see through to the 'real' us underneath.      He may be struggling with adapting his mask to include you as there's a conflict with holding you outside and allowing you in - basic trust issues.

The other could be him not being able to manage his stress and anxiety.    His life might be chaotic so he could be running at 99% overload all the time.     He will appear to be functioning perfectly well on the outside because of his mask, but the slightest extra demand may push him into full overload and internal meltdown.      Still nothing to see from the outside, but his brain may need to reset and need time to process and defrag everything that is going on for him.       It is likely that he no spare processing available to interact with you.     You will see time passing while he goes off-line but to him, no time has passed.       He will consider your relationship to be continuous without gaps - only you see the gaps.

Only time and your ability to be constant and predictable will help the first.        The second is all about reducing stress for him - getting some process time available in his head so he can think about nice things.

Depending on where you are in the relationship, sending him an e-mail may be easier for him to deal with - no need for instant reply so less pressure applied.     It's a bit complicated during this lockdown, but spending time with him doing things he finds relaxing is a good way of de-stressing him to get him into a receptive mode to chat about stuff - like visiting a museum if he's into planes or cars.     Let him know you're there to help him de-stress.

There is of course a big disclaimer - just because he's ASD, it doesn't exempt him from being a D-bag and using you and messing you around.      Make sure you are getting your needs met in the relationship.    My wife is a highly skilled counsellor and she tells me I am impossible to 'read' - so open and honest communication on both sides is imperative.

I used to do what was happening with your husband but to my family. I would spend my energy during the day and didn’t have any energy to socialize with anyone after. Additionally I have alexathymia and I can’t really remember what emotions feel like without actually feeling them so I was never able to talk about it or understand it or even fully think about it (I’m kind of blanking out just writing this) when it wasn’t happening. I’m in summer break in college right now living with my family and whenever I lived with them it never happened (I can’t really give much detail on why or anything because I have huge trouble even holding on to thoughts when thinking about this kind of thing because if I’m not feeling it right then I have no reference to what it’s like). Purely analytically though, I’d say if you become part of his daily routine in a way that doesn’t involve socializing (ie something passive like him stimming with your hair), it might be less overwhelming. Also living together or becoming neighbors or something might help so it doesn’t take the executive functioning of annoying transportation to see you.

I get that - relationships with us autistic folk can be difficult sometimes due to our struggles - maybe send another message but don’t draw attention to the ASD or how long you’ve waited for a reply, just make it conversational, ideally a theme you know he likes. Just an idea. 

Thank you, it's been 4 days now without hearing. And this will be the second time he has gone in the last 6 weeks. I sent him 1 message 2 days a go just saying I hope he is ok and he knows where I am if he needs anything. It's just horrible not being able to help him or even find out what is wrong 

Keep in mind people on the spectrum can find it certain hard to maintain relationships, so patience and perseverance are key as it might not be anything personal at all - sometimes we just find things difficult and shut off and often due to an inability to empathise some on the spectrum don’t understand how that makes others feel - so my advice is to stay cool and find a way to reach out :)