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Confused

Cozy Wozy

Hi Everyone, I really find the question how are you ? or how are you getting on? so confusing to respond to. Even though I think I’m o.k with it I know I’m not as I feel so confused regardless of how I respond. For years with my work I used to say fine and make out I was o.k all the time. I now realise that this was masking and a way of coping in the world when actually i was in a state of high anxiety all the time and would have melt downs constantly.

If I do give what I believe is the true answer people walk away or stop me half way through my answer so I’m guessing I have said too much. I never really know.

Since my breakdown and subsequent diagnosis which has given me the understanding I have masked all my life, I now just say what I believe to be the truth but that doesn’t seem to be what people want to hear. So just leaves me confused and mentally going over what they may have wanted me to say,

So yesterday someone who I haven’t seen since the lockdown sent a message on messenger and asked how I was getting on.  I could see they had read the message yet no response. When  i re read my response it is long but it’s the truth. I don’t want to just write fine when I’m not. I really never understand the point of asking how are you when apparently the person doesn’t want to know.

I mentioned it to my husband who is NT this morning and he said it’s something people just do. He knows that I worry about things so always listens to me but surely if you ask how are you, you mean how are you and are open to hear the answer. Just saying fine seems pointless. I know I put a lot of detail in and explain things but that’s just how I am. My mind doesn’t feel satisfied otherwise. I know that may sound strange.

Anyway this morning I am still thinking about it and still confused. The person hasn’t responded and now I will probably be in a tangle in my mind about it all day.

Does anyone else feel confused by this too ? Because honestly it’s a complete mystery to me and just stresses me out and makes me feel despondent about people.  This is why I prefer staying at home and not interacting with the world as it’s hard work.

  • in reply to Cozy Wozy

    Agreed, I can’t handle changes in subject easily, or worse still when people change subject then go back to the original subject... why can’t they structure conversation?!?! People confuse me... actually so does most of society!

  • in reply to Anthony

    Hi Anthony, Thankyou for your response. I can understand the frustration thing too. I mainly get frustrated when I’m actually with people and they ask me how I am or a question and then wander off before I have finished and am mid sentence. That is sooooooo frustrating. 

  • I’ll see if I can do what planned to do and keep it short so you don’t have too much reading :-p 

    Yes and no - yes I mask a lot and yes I have a similar experience of this, but for me it’s more frustration than confusion.

  • in reply to Plectrum

    Thankyou so much for your response plectrum. Your long detailed comment was perfect for my mind. Being credible and authentic was really such a great way of explaining what I was saying about my mind needing to be satisfied. So thanks for that.
     I’m sorry you have to go through that with your work too. It really does contribute to mental health issues I think.

    I can’t tell you how many times I reread and edited my post. I’m also laughing at my nickname on here. Free to be me. Maybe I should change it to not quite free to be me, 

  • in reply to Plectrum

    I'm just laughing at the length of my comment now, I was planning to write about 2 lines and it's approx the same as yours.  

  • HI Freetobeme, I struggle a lot with this as well. At my work, we are forced to check in every day and say how we are, and if anything is preventing us being fully ready for the day.  However, I found out early on that all we have to do is say "great" and "fully ready" and no other answers are acceptable. I simply don't get it.   A colleague advised me early on, "don't rock the boat, just go along with it". 

    Meanwhile I am really struggling with destructive and sometimes suicidal thoughts, and I am frequently breaking down, also losing sleep while trying to work from home. 

    Like you say, it is utterly pointless to lie and say I'm fine when I am obviously not. I am even capable of keeping it short, eg "i am physically well today but I slept badly so feeling tired in my head"  or "I am feeling good today but the noise of roadworks outside makes it hard to concentrate" . 

    I feel as if it's not authentic and I have a strong need to be credible and authentic (I think this is like you when you say your mind is not satisfied).

    I really understand that starting the work day requires a mindset  "I have put distractions to one side, the best i can manage, and I am committing myself to the day ahead" but if we are only allowed to mention we are fine, no one knows what it took to get there. 

    If i send a mail or message and I re-read it (errr..do I do that? ...yes probably every time) I sometimes realise it was too long.  Perhaps you could write a short follow up , "lol , i was really going off on one wasn't I ? sorry !"   or "sorry about that long message , but I feel a lot better for getting that out" and make sure you have asked them how they are, and leave it at that.  Even if they think it's too long, they won't immediately think you're a bad person. You haven't done anyone any harm.