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NT Wife Communication Problems

NAS64557

Hello there. 

I’m coming to the end of my rope here in options. At the moment, I am considering either divorce or couple counselling as my NT wife is refusing to “change her personality” or study autism in order to understand my condition as a way of keeping our relationship together. Nor does she believe that my AS is part of my personality.

I feel I’m being stigmatised as someone who is using my AS as a crutch to lean on to get sympathy and justification for my limits and behaviour. She feels she shouldn’t accommodate my AS for the sake of keeping the marriage together. It hurts more because it comes from the one I love and married, and she doesn’t feel reciprocal to my sharing this part of my life.

I don’t want to leave her or vice versa, as we love each other deeply. But after our last discussions, we are at a deadlock over when and if who leaves first. 

Am I missing something grey here, or is this black and white on what I need to do next?

please help.

will 

  • For some women, the purpose of marriage, is divorce £££££

  • Hi Will

    I don't have experience of an NT partner as my husband and I are both on the spectrum. However I have found that relationships with other NTs are improved by communicating exactly what I need and by understanding their behaviour and needs too.

    Your wife needs to understand that you ARE autistic, you don't "have autism", like an illness that can be cured. Likewise you need to accept that your wife cannot change her personality. 

    We are all different, so she doesn't need to necessarily know everything about autism, she only needs to know about how it affects you. The issue is not really autism, it's the fact that you are fundamentally different people who need to learn to adapt to each other's unique traits.

    You haven't given any indication of specific problems, but usually communication is an issue in any relationship, plus lack of information or time to prepare for AS people. You are likely to need to be told in advance if she wants you to do something together, it's unlikely you'll be able to be spontaneous or change what you are doing at a moment's notice. One of you may not think it is important to be on time, or to be ready to go out at a predetermined time, which stresses the other person. You may hate shopping and busy pubs or restaurants, while she enjoys these things.

    It might be helpful to have a joint planner you both use to plan both what you do as a couple and what you do separately. Maybe she can do some things you don't enjoy with her friends or family, while you enjoy some downtime.

    Remember that lots of couples have different personalities and interests (many men like football or golf, while their wives prefer lunching with friends or shopping for example) but they still make their marriage work. Plan some "dates" when you can enjoy doing things you both like doing together, such as watching a movie at home or going for a country walk. Remember what qualities you each have that made you fall in love with each other.