I feel I've failed at almost everything

I'm 33, I have no friends and this has been so for about 10 years, have never had a long term girlriend (only 3 short term ones, in other words barely proper girlfriends at all) and each career goal I had I didn't reach due to not being able to do so.

In social groups, pubs, on dating websites, Twitter, Facebook I get ignored more than other people, I'm apparently less funny or interesting. Except for my mum most my family patronise me and don't value any of my opinions even when I spend hours researching them.

Seems I have not succeeded at much of anything. I feel a bit depressed about it tonight. That's all.

  • sorry  couldnt help that,,, . just read your profile I admire your tenacity

  • So dont give a fk, PickAChew.  Giving 0 fks is just a state of mind.  Its not always succesful and can get you in a lot of trouble if you arent careful, but it does work for some things.  Living on yoru own is much the same.  I did it when I was younger for around 10 years before I went to Uni.  the first 3 years are hard.  After that you gradually engage in the no longer giving a sht about anything mindset and life gets easier.  You establish your routines and life becomes like a conveyor belt, filled with the things you want to do.

  • So what do autistic people do, in your area, for support?

  • Better than I had been.

  • Your career ended upon graduation? - Is this because the workplace was too overwhelming? ('thrown to the lions'). I am a life-long student lol.

    Do you have any tips for surviving alone? I'm a clingy co-dependent but would love to develop confidence in my ability to survive alone. I have a constant fear people will abandon me because I'm "hard work". It would be lovely not to give a ***.

    How are you finding corona lock-down?

  • I'm 40, but I felt that my career ended upon graduation at 22. Expressionless

    I had to deal with caring for relatives and voluntary work. But I feel like a loser for not having a steady job, wife and kids. I was practically thrown to the lions after I left formal education. I think that conventional schooling is counterproductive. Those who were there just to smoke and fight ended up with the life-skills. Rant over.

    However, I have grown as a human being in the past few years. I'm learning how to survive on my own. Also, I work on myself; as a human being rather than a human-doing. Now, I am acting like an adult.

    For me, I have always wanted to be normal, after feeling awkward and uncomfortable in my skin for so long. I'm no fan of conventional logic on Autism. But each to their own. Slight smile

  • No there is not a fair number I've searched a whole year and found nothing in my area, 

    It's a black hole for people with autism where I live full stop. 

  • I do this, ha

    I had an interesting thought when observing the swarm, that everyone around me was autistic and struggling just like I do, but everyone was just keeping up the social facade,

    And that's why it's so awkward because no one has a clue and they are desperate to keep whatever standing they have gained in a social circle they want to belong to or own. 

    I would love to take three social groups and put the in a setting in which the setting evolves, 

    Firstly like a social event, then a work environment then a living environment and then a survival environment (dropping them into a jungle or an island somewhere in the Pacific and see what happens after say a year of this. 

  • I hear you. I'm 37 and have no friends. I can maintain romantic relationships but it's very hard work. I identify with your comment on family patronising. But you are not alone. You have a 'tribe'. It is us. You have a friend in us.

  • That should say dull not full

  • This has been my entire life. I remember years ago I met a current boyfriends 'friend' I smiled, tried to join in conversation. But she made a comment that I was full and boring loud enough for me to hear! Years later I found out she messed about with other fellas ('she was married) I'd rather be honest and boring than be like her lol. Just be you, the seemingly interesting people rarely are

  • Look for your local Autism centre, there is one in each city/town, usually.  They will have a list of groups that are joinable.  in Sheffield there are a fair number.

  • I was in the same position so I tried dating websites, it took some time but I learnt how to be nice and charming and managed to get some meet ups.
    It was a tough learning curve and difficult finding someone who I seemed to share the same interests in, one girl was a racist cult leader the other was way older that her profile and finally I managed to woo a girl and I moved in with her. She is my 2nd serious GF and we have been together for 5 years. Its difficult and hard but I think dating sites is the way forward, without them id probably still be single.

    The way to break the ice I have found is to ask about their interests and avoid at all costs saying anything about their appearance, so id say hey I love that band whats your favorite song, then try to talk about their interests.

  • Do you have a special interest or any links to take opportunity with??

  • . Welcome to the club.  I have many of the problems you have but im a bit older than you.  I've never had a long term girlfriend either.  Would love one (meta and literally), never wanted kids though.  My career is utter shite, no scratch that, my life is utter shite, even now.  I have wasted 45 years of my life, doing the wrong thing at Uni, dropping out of society and being a criminal for 7 years (I cleaned up my life and started attempting to be a benefit to society when I got past hating myself and blaming the world), being on Incapacity benefit for nearly 11 years in my twenties.  i have not much social life outside of going to the gym.  I see loads of women there that i would love to talk to, maybe ask out, but have a massive mental block. 

    Saying that a few years back a friend and I used to work out and I went through a phase of being blunt at the gym, which lead to many comedy moments, eg, a girl abnd her mother are on the treadmills next to me, I sneaked a look left and the girl says to me "do you think I look pretty" and I was a bit WTF, but I was in a bit of a mischievous mood, so I quipped back, "sure you are really hot, but your mother is hotter", and to be fair she was and she gave me her number too, but due to my own issues it never went anywhere, but it is something my gym friends occasionally speak of as a classic comedy moment.  The key to everything is to be bold (and mischievous).  Go at it with a "0 fks given" attitude.  Thats how the more popular people do it.  they ask everyone and play the statistics.  not that that may lead to a long term relationship, but any relationship is better than no relationship.

    Social groups are great, but try and include autism groups or aspie groups.  It helps if the people around you are already going through what you are and understand.  For me many of the friends ive had through my life have more than likely been on the spectrum.  Some got tested and were, some never did and definitely are.  Avoid dating websites.  Avoid pubs unless you are prepared to do a blind approach on a person and pullout all the stops.  if you cant blind approach a person and engage in any form of conversation, you will come across as a loner or billy-no-mates and people will avoid you.  ignore family that put you down.  Dont waste your energy on them, use it on things that are positive.  I hate to say it, but they are likely intelllectually inferior to you and you are essentially trying to communicate information to an ant (bad analogy but you get the point).

    So you havent achieved anything with your life.  You are 33.  Go back to college, retrain, do a course in somethoing , achieve something.  The only person stopping you, is you.  At present going to college is a bit of a no no due to current world events, but in a few months that might not be the case.  So for now, why not learn a language?  Duolingo is a good way to start down the path.  Spend 20-30 mins a day on it.  Once you have the basics down, move on to a proper learn the language course.  you will go in knowing all the common words like beer, bread, dog, cat, station, airport and it will be a lot easier to string the sentences together.

  • Really sorry to hear you're feeling this way, Roswell - I think the last few days have been even more challenging than usual. I've seen a lot of your forum posts/comments and I certainly don't find you less funny/interesting than anyone else.

    I hope you feel better soon and manage to find some ways to occupy your mind. I'm trying to throw myself into the hobbies I've been neglecting for a while (e.g. playing piano) to keep my brain from focusing too much on feeling down/worried.

  • sounds just like me, but you may find a place you fit - either with a job, a hobby or relationship.  Meantime ? try antidepressants and keep active, lifestyle good thinking stuff

  • Hi Roswell, sorry to read this.  I think some of your posts on this site are really good! you have a kind way with people and you tackled some difficult conversations. I felt less lonely because of it. I wish i had given you feedback sooner. <slaps back of own hand>

    Later today i have been invited for an isolation-break with a colleague.  We will meet outdoors and get takeaway coffee wearing gloves. We will go for a walk by the river and stay 2 metres from each other and other people.  Fine, but i have been worrying all night : what will i say when we meet? how will it finish? when will i know i have out-stayed my welcome?. I studied the route on google maps. And as a result the amount of work i got done was very poor so I will have to catch up a bit at the weekend. Then i ask myself if it is worth it?   But like yoda says: either do or don't. there is no try.  So i will try...<slaps hand again> ...I will do it.   

    Don't give up!

  • Iv found saying nothing leaves them with nothing to reacts to is best . Put your thumb up lots ... I’m sorry I’m useless .

1 2