Late autism diagnosis/ depression

Being honest I can relate a lot to that list. Emotional control is non existent and my memory has the capacity of a amoeba of late and stumbling over my words and loosing my train of thought.  
My colleges at work were taking the pee outta me today as I was fussing over the 2 high level brake lights on my van. One was dimmer than the other and although working wasn’t right... I stripped the whole thing down and found a bulb had been replaced with the wrong type. Was straight in to parts and getting them to order right bulb. It doesn’t have any effect on the van... but it’s not right!!!  Much to the amusement of my colleagues. And was getting rather wound up that they thought I was being silly. 

Can autistic people suffer from depression? Yes, they certainly can.

Are there autistic behaviours and states of mind which might be mistaken for depression? Yes, certainly that, too.

Before I go any further, take a look through this list to see if there's anything that you recognise...

• A growing lethargy
• An increase in irritability
• An increase in anxiety
• An increase in over-sensitivity to sensory information
• A dramatic decrease in sensitivity to sensory information
• Heightened Auditory processing disorder
• A decrease in verbal language
• A decrease in text language
• An increase in Shutdowns and heightened withdrawn state
• An increase in the frequency and severity of Meltdowns
• A diminished ability for the person to self-regulate their emotional state
• The slowing down of the thought processes
• Brain fog
• Memory loss 
• A decrease in your ability to effectively communicate what you want 
• A decrease in motivation
• An inability to generate momentum of body and of action
• An increase of rigidity, narrowing of thinking
• A feeling like your vision is tighter or narrower
• Extreme forgetfulness
• Extreme overwhelm
• A massive increase in guilt
• An increase in Executive Dysfunction
• An increase in Demand Avoidance

I'm sure that anyone who has ever suffered from depression will recognise quite a few of those. So will any autistic person who has ever experienced "autistic burnout" - though many of them will have had no idea that such thing even existed, as it is almost entirely unrecognised in orthodox mental health practice, and is so often mistaken for depression that many of us come to believe that this must be what it is. It is not uncommon to have experienced it many times - a repeated cycle of achievement, followed by collapse, followed by an often painfully slow recovery - and it can have a devastating impact on our mental well-being, relationships, and careers.

Despite the superficial similarities, it is important to recognise the difference between them, as this is key to successfully tackling the problem. Burnout is caused by the mental load of the masking and other coping strategies which keep us ticking along in mainstream society; possibly strategies that we're not even aware that we use. Sooner or later, our brains simply can't sustain this, and burnout is the result. The typical treatments for depression may be beneficial; but they can also be inappropriate or even counter-productive (for example, intensive talking therapy may be exactly the opposite of what is required when one's expressive abilities are desperately in need of recharging).

The list is taken from this blog article: The Autistic Advocate: An Autistic Burnout (content warning: there is explicit mention of suicide). I strongly recommend that any autistic person, relative, or professional read it - it's the best description of it that I have come across over the years. It's an issue which needs far greater recognition, as it's a problem which is very likely recur again and again if not identified and treated correctly.

I too find it very difficult, even on here, where my posts are criticised.

i hope I understand but know that many do not and finding a place where you fit is key

It must be difficult for you both, but you seem to be going in the right direction.

At our age, there is always going to be some doubt about diagnosis and/or self-identification. But my finding is that by deciding that a label fits well enough, you can then free yourself up to deal with fears, anxieties and depression. I admit that I have fallen heavily under the influence of a school of thinking that depression can be comparatively easy to shift, given some personal modification of circumstances. And i have quite a history of shaking off depression. But it helps to personally accept some sort of label; despite the obvious deficiencies of labelling. Unfortunately though, that does tend to mean that there won't be too much sharing of your experience with other people.  I have found almost no one i can talk to about this, as I am a self-imposed exile from the UK; and locally it is completely taboo. I live in hope of finding some sort of support group; but it hasn't happened in three years, yet.

Hi Rach. You make a very good point about support but everyone is understandably giving their support to my wife as she’s been bad. And as have I been doing. 
But at what cost? I feel like I’m going crazy and nobody seems to give a ####. I’m so emotionally drained and tired some days I get annoyed just waking up. No sinister thoughts but do think damn I’m awake and gotta do it all again. 

Hi JD, I'm sorry to hear you've been having a tough time. I can relate, knowing that someone else understands what you are going through or even if they don't fully relate but simply believe in you can be incredibly validating and sometimes just having one person who fully accepts what you say to them can give you enough strength to stand against the challenges. I understand about not wanting to use it as an 'excuse' too, I have similar feelings, but your well-being matters and if you are having a difficult time it is important that you are supported. Is there anyone else that you may be able to open up to, such as another family member or close friend? Alternatively, I hope that this forum can bring you comfort. I've only been on here for around five days and already my experiences feel more validated than ever before, and everyone is so supportive. It may also help to see if there is a meet up group in your area for autistic adults that you may be able to visit once a week that can listen and provide encouragement, if that sounds like it may be for you. What has also helped me is keeping a word document of key life experiences, not for anyone else to read but as a place that I can return to and feel more solid about the truth of my own experience and the context of my life chronologically. It's been an incredibly useful exercise that I highly recommend. Wishing you all the best