• Replies 2 replies
  • Subscribers 82 subscribers
  • Views 1139 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Empathy in Relationships

NAS66322

I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder just over a year ago now. I’m 25 and have been living with my boyfriend for about 4 years. He was incredibly supportive throughout my diagnosis and helped me to recognise some of the traits that I myself did not. The problem I sometimes have is that if he is upset about something outside of our relationship I can find it very hard to empathise and if he acts differently towards me because of it I tend to assume it must be my fault because I can’t understand his feelings outside of our interactions. This then means that I can get defensive when he’s upset and come across really self-centered. I want to help him and be there for him like I should be so when he points out how selfish I’m being I just feel worse and want to retract even further to not make things any worse than they already are. I’m sorry for bringing this here I just don’t know where else to say how horrible I feel for being so self absorbed and yet how completely incapable I feel of changing it. The more upset I get about what a terrible person I am the more self absorbed I become and the less supportive I am and so the cycle continues. I didn’t know where else to turn.

  • How brave you are to share this, thank you. Spread love and empathy! 

  • Welcome to the forum.

    Firstly; there is no way on earth that a "terrible person" would have come here and written what you have - whatever might be said about "empathy", you certainly do not lack compassion!  And there really is no need to apologise for coming here with your problem; the forums are here precisely so that we can help each other out with absolutely anything that might be autism related, and even things that aren't; and there are people here who will gladly help.

    I'll confess straight away; I'm a nerdy bloke nearly twice your age, and you already have far, far more experience of romantic relationships than I do! I thought I would at least greet you, as it's a quiet time on the forums, and offer a few general comments. I'm sure others who know much better than I do will post you some more useful advice when they next log in.

    When we're talking about empathy, it worth taking some care to be sure what we actually mean. There's more than one kind, and people often mix them up. A couple we can probably pass over I think - you obviously have "compassionate empathy", as your post shows just how much you care about your boyfriend. And you probably have "cognitive empathy" too; if only you could recognise how your boyfriend felt, you could match it up with similar feelings that you're familiar with, and you would have a pretty good idea what to do.

    That leaves "affective empathy" - the ability to read another person's feelings from their behaviour. It is true that many autistic people find this difficult; but there's another factor too. The behaviour of an autistic person is just as hard for a non-autistic person to read - the "gap" in understanding works equally in both directions. They call this the "double empathy problem", and you've suggested it already when you say that you "come across" as self-centred. You aren't really self-centred, it's just that his affective empathy can't read the things which you've described in your post, and so might leave him with the wrong impression. As you say, this then might lead to a bit of a viscious circle of misunderstanding. Neither of you are to blame for this, it's just a natural consequence of having different ways of interpreting the world. But it means that you have to work together to bridge the gap from both sides; you certainly may need to put some effort into understanding him better, but he may also need to put a little work into making his emotions easier for you to latch onto.

    It's a compromise, in other words, and you have to spread the weight of the problem between you, rather than you trying to carry it all on your own shoulders. The details how you might do this, I shall leave to others who know more about romantic relationships than I ever will!

    Best wishes to both of you.