Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I hope it's all right to post this, because it probably gets asked a lot.
I'm in my mid-30s now, but for as long as I can remember I've always felt different and I've never been able to pinpoint why. Several times over the years I've tried to "figure myself out" and on more than one occasion I've ended up researching autism but I have never gone any further than reading about it.
Apparently when I was a toddler I was very chatty but at some point I don't remember, probably around the time I started primary school, I became shy and withdrawn. I've had a lot of trouble over the years with people thinking I'm weird, and looking back now I can kind of see why. I self-analyse a lot, and focus too much on regrets that have no relevance today.
I've always liked meeting new people and having lots of friends, but I feel utterly incapable of maintaining friendships or even staying in touch with my own family regularly. I cannot hold a conversation unless the other person is doing most of the heavy lifting, and I've always hated touchy-feely things like hugging.
I have always been terrible at maths, even now I don't know my times tables and I can't do mental arithmetic beyond simple addition, and when I had a retail job I had to be extra careful counting change. Even Carol Vordeman videos and extra maths workbooks couldn't teach me. I'm actually a bit surprised that I never got diagnosed with a learning difficulty just based on that.
On the flip side of the maths issue, I've always been good with words and I apparently knew my alphabet before I started school (thanks to Blockbusters, according to my mum!), and I love games like Scrabble and crosswords, and I'm even writing a novel.
I used to have a lot of anxiety and had a generally negative outlook on life, and in around 2005 I started self-harming and when people started noticing I decided to see my doctor. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and referred to a psychologist. They really helped with some things and I'm much better at copying with stress, but I do wish I had told them everything - I didn't even tell them or my GP about the self-harm. I didn't wait to be discharged from the psychologist - I just stopped going (another regret).
When I'm put on the spot I get flustered immediately - even when I'm asked something I know about it's like every bit of knowledge in my brain suddenly becomes inaccessible to me. This was mainly a problem in school when I would then get accused of not paying attention, but it still happens occasionally in adult life too.
The main problem I have in adult life is that I find it difficult to focus on work and even on things I like doing, or I just have a problem sticking with things I'm working on. I much prefer having a plan in place for what I'm going to do, so with personal projects when I am the one calling the shots, so to speak, I am notorious for starting things and then abruptly dropping them leaving them half-finished. At work when I have set tasks to do, a simple distraction can derail me for the whole day - luckily we are still in a start of the year quiet period, but an inability to focus could be pretty bad when our workload gets larger and we are on tight deadlines.
This has turned into a bit of an essay, and I could probably type for hours with numerous examples, so I'd better stop.
I guess I feel a bit lost, and others have suggested I make an appointment with my GP, but I actually hate going to the doctors because I always feel like I'm not going to be taken seriously (I was actually called a hypochondriac once), and I kind of don't want to tie up valuable NHS resources that could be helping other people.
Thanks for listening (or reading, even)
Hi AJ
It’s great that you’ve joined the forum. I feel really at home here. It’s the only place I feel I can speak freely and where I know people will listen, share and support.
I thought the way you describe your work experience really eloquent. I can relate to so much of what you’ve said (distractions, mind going blank, not finishing projects, needing to have a plan, the whole lot).
I’m also not great with friendships and also ‘leave the heavy lifting’ to others in conversations. With maths, my mental arithmetic is also poor (that’s why I fell in love with Excel), however I do like the patterns in maths regardless of the struggles I have with it. I was also way better at English too.
When it comes to approaching your GP, if you choose to do so, the NHS is currently promoting access to mental health support and services so there is a good chance your issues will be received sympathetically.
GPs are just the gateway to the assessment service so it’s worthwhile going through the gate to access the people who actually have the specialist skills to diagnose.
There is usually quite a wait for assessments so you’ll have plenty of time to think about things while on the waiting list. Time for more research and to pose questions to the NAS forums to help prepare for your assessment.
Anyway, thanks for posting. I like to hear about other people’s experiences - they help me understand my own traits better as well as validating my own experiences. The affinity I feel with everyone else on here is so reassuring.
Thanks for the reply, I've actually just moved house so I still need to register properly at a new doctors, so I should probably get that sorted first. I just found out that I can request to see my medical history too, so when I've finished registering I'll have to have a look and see if anything I don't know about is hiding on my record, just in case.