Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello Autism society, this is my second post here (my first was an introduction post) – I hope I have followed the appropriate guidelines and everything is in order? Apologies in advance – it is quite a long piece and if I have not done anything right I am incredibly sorry and please know that it really was not my intention if I have broken any rules. Please feel free to inform me if you dislike anything that happens in this post.
A bit of background – I originally wrote this piece to send to winterstarcraft to ask for some help and support. He is a twitch streamer and youtube content creator and often commentates on matches of starcraft 2 (a video game I quite enjoy). I’ve been suffering from severe depression for over 6 years and am in desperate need of some help or support. I am now reaching out to the autism community in the hopes that someone might be able to help me out. Also just as a request, please, please, please can you read through the entire thing before deciding that it is just a sob story of someone begging for free stuff? I am aware that I’ve probably already put people off from reading what I have written below and probs will attain quite a few haters – but I am honestly close to my breaking point :( . In regards to what I am asking for, I really will do my best to repay those who help me. I’ve fallen into some really hard times at the moment and am in debt as well as suffering from suicidal thoughts etc. I am aware that a lot of my thinking may be immature and undeveloped – if this is the case, please feel free to explain to me why and how to improve. Winter has not yet replied to me and I am not sure he will. Also – as a bit of a tangent, I just wanted to inform you all that I have not been formally diagnosed with autism, I am still waiting to hear back from the assessment team, but a lot of mental health professionals have told me that I show distinct traits and that they personally think it is a high possibility (although they cannot say for sure since they are not specialized in diagnosing autism). I just wanted to tell you all so you know and that I am not hiding anything that might impact any of your decisions. However, without further ado though, this was my original post to winterstarcraft:
Hi Winter, This is yjzhou – I’m writing this now to ask for your help. I am in desperate need for some kind of help or support. Before you read the below section, please note that I feel really bad for asking you for help, and will do whatever I can to repay you in the future. (Also don’t feel any pressure to help me at all). However, might I ask that you please read through the whole thing? I would extremely appreciate it.
Please feel free to read the following paragraphs out to your youtube or stream. If you believe it is a sob story or something to laugh at – I will just be happy that I was able to contribute to your content. I understand that what I have to say may seem made up or almost too bad to be true, but it is from my heart and the truth as I see it. Even if you don’t feel that it is a laughable matter and don’t want to help me – I also wouldn’t mind if you just read it out and recorded it. I would be pleased at attaining a tiny bit more internet fame and reaching out to people in the community and just boosting your viewership count.
As you might know, I have been struggling a lot with my mental health (depression, anxiety, stress, social anxiety, possible undiagnosed high functioning autism – mentioned by multiple mental health professionals as they see some traits; I am currently on the waiting list to be formally diagnosed) . I’ve had two suicide attempts recently and am in constant (chronic) pain and agony. I’ve also had a lot of issues at university – being kicked out of the house I was living at, losing almost all my posessions (around £1600) and having to pay extra rent due to still being in the contract despite being kicked out. I’ve also lost a lot of friends which hit me really really hard. It’s been a really tough and lonely time lately, I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere at times and everything that could go wrong seems to have gone wrong – my dog even got hit by a car (he’s recovering now though so at least there’s that).
I honestly feel kinda bad for asking for help – because there are definitely those who need this help way more than me, for example charities and people in more dire situations than me. Even though I’ve had two suicide attempts and am constantly thinking about it – I have personally made the promise to me and my family that there won’t be a third attempt. Please take note of this, and don’t feel any guilt if you choose not to help me in the end. I am currently at the stage where although I’m doing everything I can – everything almost feels hopeless; don’t worry though, I won’t give up. I am currently seeing doctors, therapists, counsellors and have even tried antidepressants (although they did not quite work for me – the last one I tried was Sertraline for around 6 weeks and it only served to worsen my depression :( ). I have also tried to maintain a healthy diet and exercise daily as well as contacting the centre for wellbeing at my university and trying to attain any or all other support that I am able to.
The thing is though, most days the pain is so excruciating and difficult to manage that I sometimes even wonder if this is hell or purgatory or something (apologies again to those suffering more than me). A lot of people think people who try to commit suicide are selfish and don’t think of others who may be impacted – but this couldn’t be further from the truth. When I was attempting to commit suicide – I honestly felt somehow in my deranged mind that I was a terrible person and a poison to everyone, a burden that just made everyone feel worse. I still struggle with this sometimes. Also, I feel people generally don’t take into account how much pain a person goes through before they reach that stage – I honestly feel so much pain everyday I can’t imagine what life would be like if I had to continue living like this without getting better until I die. It is almost impossible for me to do the smallest tasks like getting out of bed, getting dressed and even brushing my teeth. I currently have exams fast approaching, and revision has been incredibly strenuous for me, some days only managing to write half a page worth of notes in 2 days despite having nothing else to do – other days even being unable to do any revision and only being able to lie on the floor in pain. I am honestly concerned about whether I will be able to stay at my university and finish my studies (Computer Science Bachelor’s Degree).
I am going to be honest, what I’m going to ask for is quite specific and is probably not the cure to my problems, it may just be a temporary solution to relieve some stress and it is a bit of an odd request at that. It is also possible that I may not be able to repay you back for this, but I will try my hardest to do this. Currently, I am searching for a part time job, but due to my depression it may be quite hard for me to maintain the job – I will do my best though, to earn enough to pay you back. I am writing to you to request some money (perhaps in the form of a fundraiser) in order to buy a laptop (around £300) so that I can play some starcraft 2. If this were to happen – I would really appreciate it and would like to repay everyone who donates (so if you could provide me with the list of names – I will do my best to pay back what they donated whenever I get enough money to do so). I would ask for £600 for a desktop but I don’t want to be too greedy – so just the bare minimum for a laptop that can run starcraft 2 would be fine with me. I’m honestly really sorry for troubling you over this and I feel like such a terrible beggar when there are those more in need of money than I am. The desktop I had previously cost quite a lot (£800) and had been given to me as a birthday gift for university (it was the first desktop that I owned – and I had quite a sentimental attachment to it, my laptops and other devices were all second hand items. I normally don’t ask for much).
Now, I realize that this is a massive ask and it seems like a luxury good and not something that I need. Whilst it is true I should be focussing on my bare essentials; like housing and food – the only thing I have truly been able to do freely and enjoy (aside from eating) is playing starcraft 2. It is honestly the one hobby where I can freely express myself and destress. The joy and absolute freedom of being able to control every single tiny unit and building and to be able to win a game based purely off skill is the most amazing art form in my opinion. However, due to me losing all my possessions from a series of unfortunate events (tbh I feel almost like I’ve been backstabbed by a close friend – but I won’t get too into this (mayhaps he was having a bad time too, and truly didn’t wish for things to turn out the way they have)) – I have been unable to play starcraft 2 for around a month or maybe more. I do have other hobbies such as drawing, writing, reading etc. but unfortunately I get so stressed out about doing these now (almost reflexively) that I can’t even make marks on the page or read a page. The only thing that hasn’t had this effect was playing starcraft 2 (and osu). I honestly miss playing starcraft 2 so much, I felt like it was a part of me. Starcraft 2 is more than just a game to me, it was part of my identity; one of the few things I felt better than average at doing (even though I’m only platinum 1) and enjoyed thoroughly. I even enjoy the games where I lose! Because I know… at this level, the only way that I’m losing is when I’ve been outplayed – and that means there is areas that I can improve upon! My favourite part of the game – as you might be able to tell from some of my blh appearances, is micro – and whilst I know if my macro is better I won’t need as much micro, it is the part of the game where I really feel exhilirated and I honestly love it when I get showcased.
I’ve honestly been so blessed to have you show off my games to the world and I am so happy to have been part of this community. I have never felt such happiness as when I learned that I have fans and people liking my games. To be able to finally so freely express myself and to attain viewership by others of my own creations is one of the greatest accomplishments I have felt in a long time. To be honest, a part of me wanted there to be a yjzhou files – like the florencio files, but with my games. I realize though, that this is extremely selfish as it would take away casts of other people’s games – and I should just be grateful of the 3 blh appearances I have already made. This is completely my wishful thinking and is incredibly selfish to be honest. I was quite saddened one time when I saw you casting games in a replay pack and I saw mine was the last in the pack but you didn’t cast that game :( . However, I completely understand and agree with why you are not casting many of my games. I was wondering though, if it might be possible for you to cast my games if I paid for them like as an angry coach but for bronze league heroes instead? I won’t be able to at this point in time due to my financial situation – but hopefully when I pay back the lovely people who help me with the laptop if I do get helped – I may be able to afford this?
You’ve honestly already helped me so much winter, just the three appearances that I’ve made have each created a massive boost in my mood and I sometimes find my narcissistic self rewatching again and again those casts and reading all the lovely comments left by people below. I honestly feel bad for asking for more help but it would really mean the world to me to be supported by the community whilst I’m struggling so much with my mental health. Starcraft 2 has honestly been one of the anchors that have kept me safe and even at times helped me combat my depression and I owe a lot of the thanks to you Winter. I understand if you do not feel the same way about this as me, perhaps this rant may even cause you to dislike or even hate me – and I won’t blame you for that, I honestly feel like a spoiled child begging for a gift.
As a summary to what I’m asking for – please could you help me attain £300 (or £600) via a fundraiser so that I can buy a laptop/desktop to play starcraft 2. I will do my utmost best to pay back whoever donates the money so please send me a list of the names and their contact details. However, note that it is possible I may be unable to pay back this money if my depression worsens, but I will try my darnedest hardest to make sure that I do pay back all you lovely folk.
And the other thing I asked for, although this also does not have to be done – is for some more of my games to be casted as it really really boosts my mood. I understand that this is a huge request and may be seen as selfish, so I am willing to pay in exchange for a game to be casted if/when I am able to financially.
I have also included a small FAQ section to any viewers:
How are you managing to write and send this without any devices?
I am currently using a very old laptop I got for free by scavenging a business that was shutting down – I asked them for permission to take the laptop since they were about to throw it out already. This current laptop is extremely old and cannot run sc2 – It even crashes when loading discord on mozilla firefox at times.
You say that you cannot write due to stress – yet you managed to write this huge essay – how?
Honestly – I don’t really know how I managed to write this myself, what with my stress levels and all. I’ve been wanting to write this for a very long time and been formulating parts of it in my head but I really don’t know how I managed to overcome the paralyzing stress.
Why should we help you?
Just out of the purity of your hearts. Thank you so much if you do and I won’t feel any expectations for even a single pound to be raised to be honest. I know there are others who also need this money.
What are your plans after (if) you beat depression?
I really want to contribute and make society and the world a better place. So far, I have started writing a book about my mental illness and my journey towards trying to get better. I am currently a little stuck due to stress, but will do my utmost best at trying to finish that. I also aim to create a charity that will truly help those who suffer from severe depression through volunteers and one to one friendship socializing events. I have a lot of goals, some of which contain novels (some of which may even be related to or loosely based off my experience in starcraft 2), others are more about creating applications and programs to help people (via my computer science degree). I am aiming to become successful and famous so that I can help others in need. I will ask that you please remember my username/details for now although I will probably use a different name for my startup/company when I do conquer this depression.
How do I know you will pay back what I donate to you?
I’m sorry I don’t know how I can prove that I will pay back whatever I can – you’ll just have to trust me on this.
Why did you ask Winter for help?
Winter was the first person to cast any of my games. He was also one of the first youtubers I watched – including Lowko. To be honest, at first I definitely preferred Lowko more – I thought he was kinder and more gentle, however – I quickly learned that Winter is just as kind but does not show it as much. Also, Winter casted my games and Lowko didn’t so yeah… love you Winter!!!! (In a platonic way of course). Also, Lowko – if you’re watching this – please could you cast some of my games… pretty please???? (Puppy eyes). Just kidding, lol I guess my games aren’t good enough for you Lowko. Or you just don’t cast that many games. That’s all fine though – oh and once again I was just kidding so please don’t feel any pressure to cast one of my games!
What are your goals in terms of starcraft 2?
Well – I would very much like to play at a higher standard and get my name out there more. I would like to start streaming again too – my twitch username is yangjianchess. I have dreamed before of becoming a pro player – but that dream seems a little unrealistic due to my low APM, bad macro and micro and inability to practice build orders due to stress related problems. My short term goal at this current time – is to practice and get better at marine splitting – focus firing and making beautiful plays for my lovely viewers :) .
What is your progress with your mental health?
I have been depressed for 6 years, over the course of this time I have been seeing therapists counsellors and more. Unfortunately, I have been getting worse throughout this 6 years – however, that being said – I have recently found signs of new hope. I have been trying multiple things, therapy, counselling, medications, charity services etc. The therapist I’m seeing now in London is one of the best I’ve had so far in my opinion (I only have 20 free sessions – but they all help me a lot). I am currently exercising more (Jogging two laps in the park almost every day – I try but it is hard for me) and I am eating healthily (3 meals a day with fruit and veg). I am hopeful that some day I will get better even though I honestly feel a little drained and exhausted right now and there is a seeping doubt in the back of my mind if I will ever get better. However, I am working my hardest on getting better and I believe that I will!!! (Hopefully lol)
Shouldn’t you focus on trying to get another hobby?
Please believe me when I say I have tried my heart out in this aspect. I am honestly in so much agony though that it just isn’t working out. It’s hard to explain what it’s like to reflexively feel so paralyzed and unable to do even the simplest of tasks,a dn I honestly have no idea why video games such as starcraft 2 and osu are the exception. My hope though, is that through the use of these mediums – I will be able to build up into other tasks as my stress levels decrease and hopefully I will be able to use other hobbies as methods to destress too and be able to build up to the point of functioning as a normal human being that contributes positively to society and helps others in need.
What are your social medias?
Due to the possibility of haters and harassers I won’t reveal all my social medias – but I will reveal my discord and twitch:
[Links removed by mod]
How can I donate to you?
I assume Winter will set up a fundraiser and then contact me, if he is to help me. However I do also have paypal and I have a throwaway email account linked up to it – if you decide to donate. I will note down who donates and pay you back when I can.
[email address removed by mod]
Note that this is not my real email address – so you can send all the spam and hate mail you want and I won’t be affected, although I’d rather you not – but it doesn’t really matter.
As a Final Note: Thank you to anyone who read/watched this and I really enjoyed being a part of this community – I hope that I can be part of it for longer. And I hope that I can come back sooner rather than later and show off my skills to the world again!
To those reading on National Autistic Society:
I really do realize that I’m asking for a lot, but I really am in need of quite a lot of help and I really will try my hardest to repay any of those who helped me. I will keep a list of anyone who helped me and how to repay them.
Also as a sidenote – if anyone has any small tasks or things they need done and are willing to exchange money for these services, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I would much rather work for the money, although please be prepared that I might not be able to due to stress. I currently am good at proofreading documents (with one of my goals being becoming a famous author) so I can offer services in proofreading, feedback, editing novels and the like etc. I also am currently trying to search for a job in the tutoring industry - so if you know someone around Guildford (in the UK) who needs a tutor for GCSE/A level/Below subjects – please don’t hesitate to give them my details (I am charging £15/hr and I specialize in Computer Science) – It is possible I may even offer a free taster session depending on the situation.
I have honestly been struggling so much. This only barely scratches the surface of some of the problems I am facing :( . I have been trying really hard at getting better – I’m getting all the support I can get atm and reaching out to all the right places, but it still doesn’t feel enough. My current state is so debilitating and exhausting that if it were a physical condition instead of a mental one – I would probably be strapped in a hospital bed 24/7 whilst they try to figure out what’s wrong with me and how to ease the pain. Unfortunately, since my problems are mostly mental health issues – I am not getting enough help to ease the pain.
Honestly, any little donation would be so greatly appreciated – even if you can only spare a penny (I’m serious about this)! But I do realize that most people won’t want to – and I fully respect that and don’t want to pressure anyone into helping me. I will most likely be making more posts in the future - I hope that is alright - I understand that you might not all want to hear me vent, but I am honestly struggling so much so if it is alright for me to do so - I would be incredibly grateful.
also to those who are interested – here is a link to my first post: https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/17499/hello-everyone---please-help-me-get-settled-in-and-i-hope-we-can-become-friends-also-please-can-you-help-me-i-am-in-a-lot-of-pain
If you have any questions or anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask. Even if you have critiques or something to point out to me – I welcome any interaction at all.
Hi, Yjzhou. Unfortunately, I don't tend to donate online, but I have read your post and I know it can be really difficult battling with depression, especially while studying.
I think the steps you're…
I think the steps you're taking to improve your wellbeing (jogging, seeing the new therapist etc.) are really positive, and it sounds like you're hopeful of recovery. My best advice is to keep working on all those positive things that'll hopefully help you to feel a little better each day. I hope you find it useful to talk to people on the forum when you need a listening ear too.
Wishing you all the best.
Hi - thanks for the reply. That is honestly very fair and please don't feel any pressure to donate anything ^ ^ . I honestly feel quite bad asking for money but just to clarify (altho you may know) - I would work hard to repay anyone who does end up donating. I am honestly in quite a bad situation atm. Nonetheless - I will do everything within my own power to correct it :) . If people do end up donating it would be a massive help - but I am not going to depend on it and I will do my best to get better without relying heavily on the kindness and help of others lest I become entitled and greedy. As a bit of a vent, I'm honestly a little sad because I've lost so many possessions and money because of someone I considered a close friend. He probably didn't mean for it to happen like it did, but it has happened and it was really hard for me to get up to that stage and it will be even harder for me to rebuild back to that stage. Nonetheless, I will try to keep determined and do my best! Thanks for replying to my post btw :)
I'm really sorry you're going through such a tough time - it's sad to hear about your friend too. It always hurts more when you're let-down by someone close to you.