Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there, good morning to all.
How is everyone?
Hope all of you are well.
It has been a while since I last used the community forum page.
For those, who don't much about me.
I am autistic since age 15.
I live with my Mother and Sister in London.
I do have other siblings (me being the youngest).
As well as other relatives.
What has brought me here today is partly because of what happened then/what is happening now.
To elaborate, during past times in particular final days, saying goodbye etc.
I do find that a problem.
But, I am sure I am not the only one.
Since primary school. I haven't taken too kindly or coped well with endings or farewells.
At the time, I was too young to understand transition and growing up.
But, it is more of the recent events at a college (I use to attend).
I initially, joined the college under a supported internship course.
With the aim of securing a job whilst learning work-related skills and going under an internship.
When I first joined the college two years ago, I couldn't even stand the place or individuals there.
My perception wasn't that great to start with.
It was a mixture of feelings, nervousness and fear of failing or potentially becoming attached.
Despite still disliking the place and having difficulties.
I have learnt more things than I ever thought possible.
Whether it be self discovery, challenging thoughts, getting to the real truth.
And it made me realise that there was a lot more hidden areas that I never fully acknowledged or had the right amount of support.
I have had so many not-so-good days.
In turn, I have had a lot more positive days.
I do miss some parts such as the friendships or those who made me feel great and welcoming.
Before, I knew it.
I started to believe in myself and learned to trust others.
I am not saying to tell everything on the spot.
But, I could feel a sense of history repeating itself.
One of the things, I was fearful about.
Being too attached to someone.
Long story short though college has ended.
I have now secured a role in employment as a Facilities Assistant.
As much as I try to adjust to my role and 'moving forward'.
I am still struggling with that.
But, its not all bittersweet.
I have secured my first ever job despite all the trials and tribulations.
Such as going all above and beyond various sectors/providers one being from my local borough.
The odds were stacked against me.
Even I, started to believe I wouldn't have a job.
I look back but I also look forward.
hey guys, I find it to be helpful when listening to music, whilst in the background.
I hope you feel better and things start improving for you soon.
Thank you for your reply. I hear what you are saying loud and clear.
At the same time, I know it won't be easy to erase those past times.
Which makes things even more difficult.
Despite having a job.
Not all is as it seems.
I am grateful.
But, I can feel something is missing or lacking.
I haven't been myself in a while.
I try to focus but then I reminded one way or another every day.
Literally, it is hard to believe.
Losing somebody is almost like grieving - sometimes, you just have to allow yourself time to go through all of the emotions that involves. Just do your best to take care of yourself and focus on the positive things you can work towards, like your new job.
Thank you for your responses much appreciated.
It is very well received.
I can relate with some of the things you mentioned.
Especially, when you didn't realise how much things have become or in turn the impact it had.
Still till the day, I am overthinking about this person.
Who during the time has helped and supported through my highs and lows, even at the most upsetting times.
To think that, I am never going to see this individual again.
Or things not to be the same as they once were is truly earth-shattering.
I know it was for a short period and logically you will have to 'move on'.
However, moving on isn't so straightforward.
I have shared so much with this person.
I can't seem to bring myself together.
I couldn't even say goodbye during the last day.
Everyday, seems to be a struggle.
I am pleased about securing a job.
But, I now feel lost.
There is so much more to it than people realise.
I have tried explaining this to my Mother.
But, she doesn't fully understand.
She will listen but not 'get the picture'.
In all honesty, it has led to the point where it has affected me.
More ways than one could ever imagine.
The truth is, compared to previous times.
I was too young to understand.
But, this time was different.
I never felt anything like this before (in a good way).
I knew I couldn't hide or mask the way I felt.
At the same time, I do not want to complicate matters.
Because, I cared so much about this person.
Thinking it over, I knew in my head and in my heart.
Things would come of it.
As much as I cared about this person.
I knew there is a possibility they may not feel the same way.
I did not want to force or pressurize things.
There comes a point where you can't always have or get what you want.
You would hope or think this person might feel or say something.
But, I knew I get the mutual response.
And I cannot blame the person for that.
If anything I blame myself.
For perhaps not being open.
I have struggled since early childhood to form friendships or have a partner.
I do not have any currently.
Sometimes, I prefer my own company.
But, I know deep down I do need a bit more of a social life besides family or work.
I have been overthinking and overgeneralising too much about this person.
For example, what if, should I...
Either way, all has been said and done.
My worst fear was that I would been seen as not enough or a thing of the past.
I guess I wanted to feel as though I was a somebody with a purpose.
As opposed to somebody for the sake of it (putting up a front).
I have spent months going through every possible detail.
Thinking where did it go wrong?
Or maybe I should of said something?
Usually, I try to keep my distance from others in case anything occurs.
Before, I was a proud person.
But, now it is questionable.
I have tried contacting several charities or services.
But, with partial success.
I honestly thought, I could stick it out.
Instead, I fall short each and every time.
I feel as though I don't recognise myself or those around me.
Congratulations on your new job! We all have our good days and bad days, but it sounds like you have a positive attitude and have had lots of achievements (college is really hard, as is job hunting).
I hope it goes well for you
I dwell on the past constantly. Assessing and reassessing situations and actions. Going over everything like it was so so important. Things that NT's would think about for three seconds i think about for years. One of the most disabling things about being on the spectrum. There's no doubt about it.