I don't mean this as a moan or a complaint, but more of just sharing some of the things I have thought over while I look back on past experiences and try to make sense of them.
Since being on the waiting list for assessment I have found that I spend an awful lot of time just thinking, sometimes its wondering if a particular thing could be explained by autism but its also often wondering what stopped me being picked up much earlier in life. A big part of my thoughts regarding that have been as to whether the fact that I have achieved good results in education served to cover up any problems early on, and later in adult life if when I've sought help but not known how to express the stuff going on inside people have just assumed upon finding out I managed a degree assumed that there can't be much wrong.
In school I had a lot of time off sick, especially in secondary school when I became ill enough with irritable bowel syndrome on transitioning from primary that I had to be transferred from the local grammar to the local high school. My school reports always comment on the large amount of absences and often describe me as quiet and needing to engage more in class, but also in pretty much everything apart from PE (abysmal reports) praise my accomplishments in the subjects. It makes me wonder (half jokingly) if things might have been different if I was less academically able. I'm not blowing my own trumpet there by any means - I'm not gifted, just learning seems to be my niche.
Later on when I was first out of University and struggling to find work that didn't terrify me, then signed off with anxiety whenever people would ask about education they always seemed to suddenly become less sympathetic the moment they hear the grade I achieved. People seem to form a snap judgement about you and never want to hear - sometimes actively shutting you down - about how much of a struggle the experience of University was, the amount of missed lectures because of hiding in the toilet, the amount of time spent sitting in a secluded spot thinking about suicide. This particular example is now long in the past so the 's' word need not cause alarm here.
Does anyone else identify with this?
