Can't convey the distress of multiple conversations to family

I'm not sure there's an easy answer to this, so it's probably just a bit of a vent. And it's a bit of a "first world problem".

Youngest daughter is now home from uni, and I've been making an effort to spend time with my wife watching TV (and really enjoying doing that *with* her). I'm autistic, my wife might be, and our daughter isn't.

In the evenings, our daughter constantly talks excitedly all the time we are trying to watch TV. So if we are watching a quiz, I miss the questions and/or answers. If we are watching a drama, I miss the dialogue and I'm completely thrown out of that meditative state that goes with quiet scenes of tension. Because of my ASD, I can't filter out background noise, and trying to concentrate on the TV whilst someone in the room is talking literally makes me wince as if someone has jabbed a screwdriver in my ear. When my wife and I talk about stuff that's on TV, we have that skill of timing the words to fall in gaps in the dialogue and be compatible with the atmosphere, so that neither of us has our enjoyment spoiled. Our daughter on the other hand will start talking about her day or her boyfriend or her friend's boyfriend or will simply be saying something like "Mum!, Mum!, Look at our dog! Look how she's tugging that toy!".

I've tried explaining that it's literally painful and stressing for me when there are multiple voices, but I don't seem to be able to convey that this is anything other than a mild annoyance. It's got to the state where I've told my wife that when daughter talks over the TV constantly, I literally can't be in the room or have to put on noise cancelling earbuds and music. Either way, I have to miss what I wanted to watch, which I don't think is fair. My wife's reply was "Is it fair that our daughter has to remain silent when she's in the lounge and the TV is on?". I understand that my needs don't outweigh hers, but what I can't seem to convey is that this is more than me getting annoyed because I've missed the answer to a question on The Chase! Which, for sure, *is* annoying, but I can't convey that it's like trying to watch TV whilst someone is banging an old metal dustbin with a stick at random intervals - the only way out is to take their stick away or leave the room!

  • Oh god yes... I mean duh, simple deductive reasoning gives you that answer...

    I also often predict word-for-word what a character on TV is about to say - not that difficult as scripts are mostly pretty derivative and play into the NT love of familiarity and lack of cognitive challenge from their 'dumbtertainment'...

  • Whenever my brother was about Fifteen/Sixteen, he wouldn't let gran or me in the Living Room as he was watching a Film - he was never diagnosed and is now Thirty. Typically, here in Mid Ulster, people have the TV on but talk away to others. This issue is another reason I want nothing to do with TV anymore.

    My main worry is having to use the loo while watching a film at a cinema. It's better now than before, as I don't bring drinks with me to the theatre. But the last 30-40 minutes of a film drag for me.

  • :-) yep. So many times this has happened:

    Documentary on TV about (let's say) the problem of the chronic and inexplicable narrowing of wingspans of garden sparrows.

    Person on TV is fumbling a weird-looking tool out of a carry bag in the middle of a field.

    Wife / daughter (to the room) OMG what's that?

    Me: "I expect it's a device used to measure the wingspan of garden sparrows, but if you listen I expect they will explain"

    Person on TV: "This weird-looking tool, in case you were wondering, is a device used to measure the wingspan of garden sparrows".

    Me: "Did I roll my eyes out loud?" 

  • Bugger! I should have read all the replies before posting... I've basically just repeated what's already been said - sorry!

    FWIW I have similar but different issue - my in-laws will be having 3 conversations at once while the TV is on in the background with the sound low (I can hear it but I don't think they do)... I'm already overwhelmed so I'll be reading my Kindle...

    Then, one of them will refer to the TV programme... "Oooh! Who's she then?" or "Oh, why's he doing that?" etc.

    I will either:

    a) give them a brief synopsis of the plot, character motivations etc. to  'catch them up' (despite the fact I wasn't interested or actively paying attention) or

    b) say "Why don't you ty turning the sound up and not talking over the top of it, then you'd know?" - this is usually when I'm exasperated and it invariably earns me 'the look' from the wife...

    Basically, NTs are a pain in the fecking ***... but you gotta love 'em!

  • I can't convey that it's like trying to watch TV whilst someone is banging an old metal dustbin with a stick at random intervals

    Yes you can - wait until your daughter is watching something on TV that she needs to concentrate on... then bang a metal dustbin with a stick at ramdom intervals...

    Yeah, I know... that's the sort of behaviour that is 'inappropriate'... it'd work though, right?

    More practical ideas:

    1) set a 'daughter update time' where she gets undivided attention and a chance to get most of what she wants to say 'off her chest', hopefully this will redue the 'pool of interruptions'

    2) agree that some programs require attention and that people won't talk over them

    3) use the live pause function so you don't miss stuff

    4) watch TV in another room

    5) watch the program on catch-up (or recorded) when the daughter is otherwise occupied

    6) put the subtitles feature on so you can read what's being said even if the sound is interrupted

  • you could let her engage while you continue to watch. With subtitles

    Yes, I've also wondered if I can connect my bluetooth earbuds to the TV at the same time that the TV is connected to our audio system via another bluetooth adapter. I'll be reading the manual later :-).

  • I too have had this problem and it used to cause falling out between me and my partner. We don't have kids. Since realising I might be AS I have realised this is probably a contributing factor. I struggle to divide my attention. Similarly at work. So I stop what I'm working on and give my full attention to the conversation. For me, I would say, enjoy your daughter being at home. I understand it must he difficult having your own space and routines back but this gets interrupted every so many weeks or months. Maybe put something on the TV youre not dying to watch but just have it on as background so you can dip in and out of. (I know this kind of defeats the point of watching TV if you're not watching it properly but it might be a compromise). Or your wife finds these interruptions easier to manage, you could let her engage while you continue to watch. With subtitles. Then watch what you really wanted to another time on catch up when it's just you and your wife.

  • I have similar problems with my family too. I have tried for decades to put this point over, but it still appears they just don't get it. I have the added problem of living abroad in a very different culture. And the funny thing is, they get upset if I speak while they are attending to multiple distractions at once. It is not a society that is renowned for its communication abilities. The noise pollution here is probably amongst the worst in the World. So they are complaining if I just add something fairly insignificant to the constant din, but they can't seem to see a similar problem for myself from their own perspective. i also have a problem with hearing the local language, but I read it reasonably well. This does seem to be an integral part on being on the spectrum for me. I rarely speak the local language, except in short terse sentences, because i have very little hearing input to work with.

    So I'm afraid just a vent from me too.;-) If I ever hit on a way to deal with it that works in the long-term, I will be sure to share it here. I'm constantly looking for new forms of effective leverage on this issue.