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Feeling like the people I love would be better off without me :(

mouse2

I seem to attract one horrible person after another, by that I mean people who look to do you harm. I'm staying in more now and go to quiet things when I need social interaction but I still come across awful people. I honestly dont understand why this is. I'm exhausted once more from working out situations, peoples intentions, 'what if' thoughts. Tired of shut downs when I need urgently to take action (something awful happened recently and I shut down, I couldnt stop myself from it I felt useless and I let someone down in a huge way)

The thing is, I can stay in all week and go out just once and something can happen that regular people have no experience of. I want to stay home indefinatly but I know that I cant as I'm a parent. I just feel helpless and a rubbish parent as I cant decipher people in time or I shut down completely 

Im just so tired. Ive called the Samaratans twice these last few days, As usual you cant get into the GP's. This one incident has shaken me to the core, it was by someone you should be able to trust too. I feel so tired right now :(

Parents

  • I relate to what you've written about, it's a sad situation. 

    I had a partner for a few months last year who had a 10 year old daughter. Going out to places with them was incredibly stressful for me as I generally avoid speaking to people because I don't cope well. And I found having a 10 year old stepdaughter meant people noticed me more and also I felt obligated to act like whatever a parent is supposed to act like. 

    It's that weight of social expectations and pressure. It's tiring being judged by people for being different in little ways that shouldn't really matter, if people were more open minded and educated about things.

    Most days I go for a walk or to the shops to pick up some food shopping but I stayed in today. I feel better than most days. It surprised me.

    I think us Autistics should develop our own support scheme in local areas. Where people who feel they struggle to cope emotionally can be helped by another Autistic person who volunteers to accompany them somewhere, if that person doesn't want to navigate a difficult situation alone. With a mutual support scheme like that it could be a substitute for a social life too, for those of us like me who don't seem able to manage one. I don't see to have the right mindset to make friends, I'm too introverted maybe. But I do sometimes crave company through either loneliness or feeling vulnerable without needed support. So I guess other Autistic people must feel like me too.

  • in reply to Roswell

    The support would be ideal for me as I struggle so much with unexpected interactions, events and decisions. Just someone to step in when my stupid brain decides it's not going to work. It's hard explaining to NT people what i mean by a shut down

  • in reply to mouse2

    Yeah, me too I can't even begin to explain how much of a barrier that is in my life. 

    People just think it's an excuse. 

  • in reply to Roswell

    I'll do that tomorrow. I'm still processing the events from friday. I hate people I really do :(

  • in reply to mouse2

    Sorry that happened to you. Going to say something annoyingly patronising here but sometimes when we're in an unhappy state of mind, we need a reminder, so just wanted to ask have you managed to set an alarm on your phone for 10 minutes before you need to make the call to the doctor?

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