Published on 12, July, 2020
I was talking earlier with someone elsewhere about how it is quite common for Autistic people not to recognise their feelings and it got me thinking! I normally say that my usual 'emotional state' is 'comfortably numb' that is, most of the time, I feel nothing. Right now, sitting here typing this, I feel nothing. I've previously wondered briefly about Alexithymia and I've even done the Alexithymia test online BUT Alexithymia is essentially not recognising one's emotions yet on the rare occasion when I do 'feel' something, I do know what I am feeling at that moment in time, in fact I've always thought that I'm quite good at understanding my own emotions, when I feel them. But the talk I was having earlier made me start to question if it's more that these 'rare occasions' of 'feeling' something are actually more rare occasions of me actually recognising what I am feeling. Am I feeling all of the time and just unaware of it, except on rare occasions? Is it even possible to feel and not be aware of feeling? Perhaps I am just being dumb/naive/overthinking? What are other people's views about this please?
I feel like an observer of my experiences, when I'm supposed to react to a situation I feel nothing until I am pulled out of that observation state then I become overwhelmed.
I once was talking out side of my building ( wich is in the centre of town and very busy) to some people who had stopped by, and out of nowhere this guy turned the corner walked towards me and punched me right in the face I just stood there trying to figure out what I had done to him for him to act this way and it took at least 5 minutes for me to realise this guy just attached me.
So I then chased him, if I had caught him he would of known not to hit anyone again, he had manage to lock himself behind his girlfriends front door and then a police car pulled up and the officers had asked what was going on I could not explain but luckily the people I was with could.
The police then said I looked angry and that I may become violent I felt nothing at that time I thought how do I try to not look angry, to show I was not angry. It was very bizarre, anyway turns out they knew his dad and that an apology would do he came out said sorry end of story.
Do you mean that you experience your life in ‘third person’ context? I sometimes have phases of speaking about myself in the third person, then people start saying they are worried about me! I always used to immediately think it was my fault if someone else did something horrible to me ‘what have I done?’ It’s taken many years and a lot of relearning how I look at things to realise that if someone else does something horrible the responsibility lays with them.
I sometimes used to get told that I looked miserable when I was in my early teens. I understand now that it was probably because my face was blank and not pulling any particular expression that others assumed that I was unhappy.