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Autistic mother in law

NAS64532

I'm looking for some advice on how to cope better with my mother in law who I have suspected as having some sort of Autism since I met her more than a decade ago (she's now in her 70s). As far as I am aware, she has never sought a diagnosis - but sometimes I feel like she might be aware that she is different to other people. As for my husbands family - there is a mix in terms of who does and does not think she does. My husband is reluctant to talk about it, I think he thinks I'm being nasty for suggesting it, even when I say that a diagnosis might help us understand her better. For my husbands immediate family; I guess it's what they're all used to so they just block it out and then occasionally get very angry with her when her behaviour tips into the unmanageable. My FIL has a strange ability to act almost as if she isn't there at all.


The reason I'm looking for some advice on here now is that we now spend a lot more time with my MIL now my husband and I have children of our own. And to be honest, I now dread the times we see her. I find myself becoming incredibly anxious because I feel trapped - I'm acutely aware it's not my place to 'manage' the conversation (on any topic, nevermind bringing up one on Autism) but it feels like everyone is in a constant state of stress the whole time she is there. 

I understand that she herself is probably finding the situation difficult - and that's why we see such an intensive display of some of the most challenging communication behaviour i.e. repeatedly telling the same very long detailed stories with no narrative (but packed full of pointless detail) using the exact same phasing/ words/ sentences and even the same strange intonations on some of the specific words. She's incredibly bright and has a fantastic memory for facts and details. In this example - she will often continue even if you remind her she's already told you the story and she will often launch into it even if people are already having a conversation about something completely unrelated. If you try and continue the conversation you were having she will just tend to continue and speak even more loudly (often she will basically start shouting). If she's not telling one of these stories - she'll often parrot (pick out a word you've just said and repeat it) but she'll do this continuously the whole time someone is speaking and it's incredibly distracting. 

I don't know if this sounds like I'm being unreasonable (dangerous question to ask on a forum) - but it's just non-stop. I honestly don't think we've ever had a conventional conversation in the time I've known her as she is just constantly stuck on transmit. I know she doesn't read social cues, but even if you try and tell her/ redirect her - its like she cant hear you. I'm of course happy to listen to any stories she has (and often do, including the repeated ones) but how can we manage to spend time together as a family without her dominating the airwaves all of the time? She is also desperately keen to looking after my todder on her own, but some of her behaviours can be so erratic I'm not convinced my child would be safe. How do I say no in a way she will understand/ listen?

Parents
    1. OMG! This post is old but it’s saved my mind!! My mother in law has never had anything to do with us; she didn’t raise my husband but recently she has come to stay. Everyone says she’s a sweet quiet lady partnered with a very brutal and not well liked autistic man. When she came to stay I realise she has autism too (less severe than her defacto) so she hides behind his condition to mask her own problems. She confessed to me she was sent to a mental institution at 8yrs old and was basically illiterate and isn’t very literate now. She has slow processing skills but isn’t unintelligent, but slow to reply and she has obsessions which she is quite rude about acting like the rest of us are defective for not being good at sewing or obsessed with boats. She will not listen to anything I have to say if it’s about my own accomplishments- work etc. her son can do no wrong and she speaks to him like I’m not there not even acknowledging me when I get up in the morning. She is obsessed with boats and acts like my husband is a bit of a failure for not being good at sailing like his late father (who left her when my husband was a young boy). She continued her obsession as boat groupie after their divorce. And she goes on and on about them even working in boat merchandise. She is a terrible conversationalist. And people thinks she’s shy and sweet but she’s actually rude and disinterested and judgemental I’ve come to see clearly. My husband gets so tired whe she stays because she won’t jet him go to bed at night and he has to get up early.. he would try but she would keep holding him. One night I explained he had to go to bed earlier she said yes yes and then continued to not let him go. So I usually leave him there and go to bed knowing he’ll be trapped and even more tired the next day but I just said night night will you turn the lights off or do you want us to. And my husband was so relieved. It felt foreign to me to be so direct and take away her choice but it was the only way! She is obsessed with saving money - lives like a porper. Cuts her own hair which looks terrible dresses awfully does nothing in terms of a social life and brags how she won’t spend a drop of her superannuation. She is mean when staying with us and does not contribute to shopping etc but goes to our pantry and helps herself between the meals we provide. The worst of all this is that being around her has enabled me to see my husband has some autism too as my kids have always said and do does his neice; they’re all quiet, we’re a bit bullied, slow processing speed and shut down when overwhelmed. My husband can’t even make phone calls because he gets so flustered trying to maintain pace. But he is nice -he listens to me and us interested in me and my children whereas his mother is not. It’s difficult too because ppl who meet her briefly think she’s just shy and sweet but she really is not sweet! Everyone notices how rude and difficult her partner is because is much more autistic but I’ve realised she is too abd can use his behaviour to hide behind. My solution - see her as minimally as possible for the rest of my life! I don’t have guilt about that because I can see she makes my husband feel bad for not being who she thinks he should be - a sailor. He has no interest. It’s quite awful 
Reply
    1. OMG! This post is old but it’s saved my mind!! My mother in law has never had anything to do with us; she didn’t raise my husband but recently she has come to stay. Everyone says she’s a sweet quiet lady partnered with a very brutal and not well liked autistic man. When she came to stay I realise she has autism too (less severe than her defacto) so she hides behind his condition to mask her own problems. She confessed to me she was sent to a mental institution at 8yrs old and was basically illiterate and isn’t very literate now. She has slow processing skills but isn’t unintelligent, but slow to reply and she has obsessions which she is quite rude about acting like the rest of us are defective for not being good at sewing or obsessed with boats. She will not listen to anything I have to say if it’s about my own accomplishments- work etc. her son can do no wrong and she speaks to him like I’m not there not even acknowledging me when I get up in the morning. She is obsessed with boats and acts like my husband is a bit of a failure for not being good at sailing like his late father (who left her when my husband was a young boy). She continued her obsession as boat groupie after their divorce. And she goes on and on about them even working in boat merchandise. She is a terrible conversationalist. And people thinks she’s shy and sweet but she’s actually rude and disinterested and judgemental I’ve come to see clearly. My husband gets so tired whe she stays because she won’t jet him go to bed at night and he has to get up early.. he would try but she would keep holding him. One night I explained he had to go to bed earlier she said yes yes and then continued to not let him go. So I usually leave him there and go to bed knowing he’ll be trapped and even more tired the next day but I just said night night will you turn the lights off or do you want us to. And my husband was so relieved. It felt foreign to me to be so direct and take away her choice but it was the only way! She is obsessed with saving money - lives like a porper. Cuts her own hair which looks terrible dresses awfully does nothing in terms of a social life and brags how she won’t spend a drop of her superannuation. She is mean when staying with us and does not contribute to shopping etc but goes to our pantry and helps herself between the meals we provide. The worst of all this is that being around her has enabled me to see my husband has some autism too as my kids have always said and do does his neice; they’re all quiet, we’re a bit bullied, slow processing speed and shut down when overwhelmed. My husband can’t even make phone calls because he gets so flustered trying to maintain pace. But he is nice -he listens to me and us interested in me and my children whereas his mother is not. It’s difficult too because ppl who meet her briefly think she’s just shy and sweet but she really is not sweet! Everyone notices how rude and difficult her partner is because is much more autistic but I’ve realised she is too abd can use his behaviour to hide behind. My solution - see her as minimally as possible for the rest of my life! I don’t have guilt about that because I can see she makes my husband feel bad for not being who she thinks he should be - a sailor. He has no interest. It’s quite awful 
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