Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi.... I am not sure if this will make much sense but..
I am currently pursuing an autism diagnosis, as part of the pre-assessment my partner was asked to complete a questionnaire about my presentation which I had to complete too. When we had completed the questionnaires we shared our answers with each other. A lot we had responded in the same way (focused interest, need for routines, difficulties with physical touch, difficulty with eye contact, solution focused, black or white thinking etc) which I had expected because over the years I have invested time into developing a pretty strong sense of self and self awareness (both the positive and negative attributes).
However there were a number of inconsistencies that really bothered me. Like that I can appear rude, and uncaring because I don't take an interest in other people. That I can be direct and at times seem insensitive to others views opinions and experiences. That I can appear disconnected from most people and I can often talk to people like it is the first time that we have met or as if I don't know them or as if I am addressing a colleague at work.
I believe that I care very deeply about people, that I am sensitive to others needs and will always try and help people that need my support and that I can and do make deep connections with people (although I can count the number of people on one hand). I would say that I am sensitive and a gentle person. I struggle to do and be all of these things if it is not on a 1:1 basis or if my anxiety/stress level is high and I think that is where the contradiction might be.
My question is therefore who am I? Am I the person that most people perceive me to be, or am I the person that I believe I am? Is it people's perception that define us or our own internal sense of self? If the two are so contradictory how can you form a solid sense of who you are? I am wondering if anyone else struggles with the seeming contradictions and how you have worked your way through the self-identity maze.
Would appreciate any response even if it is just to say you understand my predicament.
Beefree said:My question is therefore who am I?
From a metaphysical perspective; you could possibly be the conscious internal self that has an experiential sense of your embodying sensibilities that in being as such vitalized ~ produces what you could otherwise be in terms of your developing sense of external self awareness. You could perhaps also be or are becoming more the intermediate self now that you are doubting / questioning the character of your external awareness.
Beefree said: If the two are so contradictory how can you form a solid sense of who you are?
By comparison and evaluation of the characteristic contradictions ~ whilst keeping in mind that differences of perspective involve different states of awareness from different locations, such as by analogy we could imagine that one person can only see one side of an oblong as being a square, whilst person can look at another side of that same oblong and see only a rectangle.
Beefree said:I am wondering if anyone else struggles with the seeming contradictions and how you have worked your way through the self-identity maze.
The difference between the true personality or self and the false personae or mask selves as being social camouflage (whether knowingly or unknowing employed or not) is an often considered and discussed topic by those on or suspicious or curious about being on the spectrum. Perhaps in light of your post's theme on differences of perception consider the following papers and or the discussions we have had here about them:
Thankyou for the care you have taken to respond to each of the questions I posed. The suggestions have been helpful in leading me further along the journey and I have read with interest all the links you kindly pointed out. Your responses have been really comprehensive. Most people who I have tried to have these conversations with become uncomfortable or have not wanted to pursue the lines of enquiry that would help me get a better understanding.
Deepthought said:keeping in mind that differences of perspective involve different states of awareness from different locations, such as by analogy we could imagine that one person can only see one side of an oblong as being a square, whilst person can look at another side of that same oblong and see only a rectangle.
This was particularly helpful. I am not sure I have interpreted it right but took this to mean that basically other people's perception of me will be influenced by their own self awareness and experience of being with me. So those that take the time to see me from all angles will have a better understanding of who I actually am as opposed to those that see me briefly from only one angle.
In 1:1 situations it is easier for me to expose more sides and allow people to see me more fully (and with a few such as my partner actually let the lid come off so they can see inside) whereas in social situations I am generally the one that stands in the corner and only exposes one side (the side that has been carefully constructed to mask the difficulties that I experience, but also if scratched or starting to peel off reveals the fear that I experience underneath the surface, and a layer of defense created incase anyone should rip the surface layer off) so people will only see that side.
I guess for now I can conclude from this that I should have the courage to believe in my present internal sense of self, with the understanding that this is flexible and not fixed and can and will be influenced by further understanding, knowledge and experience. Develop further understanding of how to realise this experientially and reflect on an external sense of self being through being open to the perceptions of others whilst reflecting on how their perception is dirived.
Thanks again your response is really appreciated.
Thank you for your response it has given my strength a much needed boost to help me get through this maze that I have embarked on...
Thank you for your response... The reworking of the old advert made me smile... It captures just why I find most people confusing and exhausting!
I read a paper a while ago that suggested their are only two basic human emotions love and fear (from which dependent on country and culture a number of other terms for emotional states are derived). This corresponds to our sympathetic (fear) and para-sympathetic (love) nervous systems. In terms of affect on the brain the para-sympathetic system enables full use of our brain whilst the sympathetic system effectively shuts down the thinking and reasoning part of our brain leaving us only with out fight or flight responses (sorry I am aware this is a rather simplistic understanding). From your explanation I can draw parallels with the sympathetic nervous system and the Id and the para-sympathetic system (rest and digest) and the vitalizing self.
From a neurophysiological perspective the techniques you suggest are consistent with the activation of the para-sympathetic nervous system and therefore also the vitalizing self..... This makes sense to me. I practice yoga and run for hours in the mountains both of which bring me a sense of peace and I believe enable me to get closer to my true self. I have no sense of being autistic when I am running alone in the mountains I am just me.
Deepthought said:Be careful though not to imagine that you 'should' have the courage to believe in the presence of your inner self, as it infers the possibility of not having courage when instead you are always developing that virtue by way of increasing knowledge and experience of it.
Thank you....i think this is a really important point and is helpful to me.
Deepthought said:be very careful not to reflect upon anybodies' perception of you characteristically unless they have told you how and why specifically themselves, being that everybody has a different mind-set and body-setting which is entirely unique to them for the entirety of their life.
This is important too but don't worry there is no fear that I will make any assumptions about how people perceive me I find this completely impossible (proven by the current revelations when for the first time I have actually had anyone provide a reflection of how I present to them and how they have heard others speak about me).
Deepthought said:I only hope I have not done the too much information thing with this response!
I like how specific and thorough you are with your answers (I have a strong aversion to anything general and superficial. I really can't understand why people think it is good to have general knowledge about stuff that lots people already know instead of investing that time and effort into developing specific knowledge in an attempt to go beyond what is already known)
Thanks again your response is valued and appreciated and has helped me put things in perspective whilst also taking away some of the pressure I have put on myself to work this all out.
PS I absolutely resonate with you feeling kindly towards others but being perceived as rude.
Beefree said:I guess for now I can conclude from this that I should have the courage to believe in my present internal sense of self, with the understanding that this is flexible and not fixed and can and will be influenced by further understanding, knowledge and experience. Develop further understanding of how to realise this experientially and reflect on an external sense of self being through being open to the perceptions of others whilst reflecting on how their perception is dirived.
Absolutely spot on - bravo! You are who you say you are - no one else knows you as intimately, but they can offer a mirror (tainted by their world view) that opens up a line of personal enquiry - you decide who you are and how you want to show up in the World.
All the best
Daisy
Beefree said:Thankyou for the care you have taken to respond to each of the questions I posed.
I am very glad to have been of some useful service.
Beefree said:The suggestions have been helpful in leading me further along the journey and I have read with interest all the links you kindly pointed out. Your responses have been really comprehensive. Most people who I have tried to have these conversations with become uncomfortable or have not wanted to pursue the lines of enquiry that would help me get a better understanding.
The reason most people find the issue of identity troubling is that their socially fostered and personally adopted re-characterization of themselves, is in fact a defense mechanism ~ so examining it does rather risk involving some deep seated historical trauma at least to a minimal degree.
Basically though the first or original wound for which a personae mask or behavior set is adopted, derives from parental separation anxiety in many cases involving playschool / kindergarten, and primary and secondary schooling, and so on and so forth involving further education and working environments where hazing practices are carried out ~ i.e., new students or employees are humiliated by old students or employees as induces Stockholm Syndrome and behavioral compliance and authoritarian adoration and or anxiety.
Beefree said:This was particularly helpful. I am not sure I have interpreted it right but took this to mean that basically other people's perception of me will be influenced by their own self awareness and experience of being with me. So those that take the time to see me from all angles will have a better understanding of who I actually am as opposed to those that see me briefly from only one angle.
Yes ~ that is very much the case, and also everyone interprets things according to their personal bias ~ which may not actually be their bias or belief wholly either, but rather more that of their familial, social and cultural heritages ~ in traditional terms.
There are also the 'lost in translation' and 'assumption of meaning' problems that occur in both the linguistic and the behavioral senses too, so they are worth keeping in mind if they are not so already.
For example, autistic people tend more to be concrete or literal in their comprehension of words and sentences, and non-autistic people are more abstract or subjective ~ so that direct and concise descriptions and instructions are on occasion displaced or replaced with indirect and vague ones such as involving more personal / private exchanges of information and meaning. The 'nudge-nudge-wink-wink' comedy sketch with Eric Idle and Terry Jones from the Monty Python team portrays both these problems rather well:
There is also this little reworking of old adverts which is another example:
Beefree said:In 1:1 situations it is easier for me to expose more sides and allow people to see me more fully (and with a few such as my partner actually let the lid come off so they can see inside) whereas in social situations I am generally the one that stands in the corner and only exposes one side (the side that has been carefully constructed to mask the difficulties that I experience, but also if scratched or starting to peel off reveals the fear that I experience underneath the surface, and a layer of defense created incase anyone should rip the surface layer off) so people will only see that side.
Well firstly welcome to the 'one-to-one' and 'corner-of-the-room' appreciation society ( ), and secondly good descriptive summation of why most people find it difficult to discuss the masking of one's identity ~ most especially if it has not been bothering them for long enough to actually want to address it with others!
The problem with the original wound (and subsequent wounds) is that the defensive apparatus of the masking process is basically aggressive with the capacity to be at least scary or frightening, and the driving aspect of which can be called in psychology the Id.
The Id is in nature unconscious and defensive or destructive as involves instinctual reproductions of our embodied sensibilities (in order to survive), and is characteristically contrasted or opposed by the vitalizing Self as being in nature conscious and protective or constructive regarding our innovations (in order to thrive) ~ whilst the Ego is the focus of our sense and sensibilities or less so our sense when by minor degree or major extent the compulsive drives of our Id take over.
An optional technique for mastering the drives of the Id, and enhancing self vitalization, is to internalize the attentive focus point of the Ego in the center of the chest ~ and learn to breath slowly, deeply and gently as if your heart is your nose and mouth, and as if your lungs are in your pelvis. Hence it being called pelvic breathing which increases oxygenation by 60% to 100% as compared to just 40% whilst diaphragmatic breathing is used.
This technique allows for energetic recycling and therapeutic clearing, which can be rather good for anxiety and stress.
You can enhance this process if you imagine that each in-breath pulls your feet to the floor, and each out breath clears your body out from head to feet or also roots you into the earth ~ such as when sitting or standing, and if walking or running imagining that the earth is an easily rolling treadmill can prove rather interesting in terms of increased mobile efficiency.
The same applies for wheelchair users involving the hands and swimmers using the feet also ~ although with any new energy activity make sure to take it easy to begin with and start small and be progressive and don't be excessive, and all that if it should interest you or be useful for you or anybody else perhaps.
Very good guess with your concluding summation by the way!
Be careful though not to imagine that you 'should' have the courage to believe in the presence of your inner self, as it infers the possibility of not having courage when instead you are always developing that virtue by way of increasing knowledge and experience of it.
For example, the inner sense of self involves intuition and identification by way of 'facilitation' (as in being open minded as you stated above), and is either inhibited partially or wholly by way of apprehension, anticipation or expectation (as involves being otherwise mentally engaged or to particular extent closed minded).
Consider for instance the open and shut doors of the mind thing with straining to recollect something whilst only drawing a complete and utter blank ~ only to recall that forgotten something with complete and utter clarity once we have stopped trying to recollect it.
And a just in case it was not already the case, be very careful not to reflect upon anybodies' perception of you characteristically unless they have told you how and why specifically themselves, being that everybody has a different mind-set and body-setting which is entirely unique to them for the entirety of their life.
Despite this most people think for instance that there is universal equivalence regarding the functional individuality of their body-mind relationship ~ what with those "If they can do it everybody can do it!" sorts of statements ~ as lends a great deal to the 'assumption of meaning' problem mentioned above.
Beefree said:Thanks again your response is really appreciated.
I only hope I have not done the too much information thing with this response!