This may not be the place to talk about all this but I've no-one to talk to about it so going to share it here.
I thought I was working on things and making a bit of progress, but I had a meltdown the other day, a few things got to me and didn't handle them very well, but its made me realise I've been living in denial about myself and where I am. I've been living with my partner for 10 years, and its been very difficult for me because her childrens behaviour has been, and still is, challenging and I've got very depressed and angry about it - usually taking it out on her. I'm a weak man, and they are strong - but not strong in terms of courage or resilience (they struggle in a lot of ways), just strong in terms of being angry/demanding/controlling/intimidating. At first I just took all the mocking and intimidation as just typical teenage behaviour, and as a result of their difficult childhood, but they once accessed my PC and found out personal stuff - it wasn't a phase, its a constant thing and its probably normal behaviour these days with social media etc. I tried standing up to them a long time ago but didn't do it well, so it didn't work, and fear it has made things worse. My confidence is very low, and I don't leave the house very often. To make matters worse, when I've been out in the garden I've had neighbours shout out intimidating things like 'retard' or 'get a job, ha ha ha!' which has increased my feelings of paranoia and lack of confidence. There's a lot of loud and intimidating people around here, its me that dragged myself into it all without thinking. I've mentioned things to my partner and she just says I'm imagining it, she also says I'm pathetic - I feel like I've lost her, but I don't blame her as I know I'm weak.
I've tried CBT and mindfulness, which has helped, but my mind is still scrambled and constantly dragging up painful memories and thoughts which I struggle to stop, and if I do it just starts up again.
I'm at a low point, and was tempted by suicide yesterday, but basically its woken me up to the fact I'm in the wrong place, and need to find supported housing so I can get some support (my partner doesn't want anyone coming in). I've felt hopeless for too long, thats not the answer.
I don't know how to get supported housing, all I know is I need it, so I will have to see what I can sort out.
I should of said that I'm partly non-verbal as well, so that causes problems. I'm not too bad with my partner, but I struggle with her kids. I don't blame them for not coping with me, everyone does, even my own family
Was the house originally your partners and may I ask how old are the children?
Also do you have a Psychiatrist/ Psychologist/ social worker?
These are the options for supported housing for Autistic. https://network.autism.org.uk/knowledge/policy-guidance/housing-support-options-autistic-adults As you know there is a huge difference between someone with classic autism and someone with High functioning/.Aspergers. Supported housing is generally for those with major support needs and whom cannot live independently.
Would a council/ housing association flat not be better for you?
Those children sound like brats to put it mildly. And your girlfriend/common law wife is not disciplining them. Plus she doesn't want you to get help. You are very low. If you are serious at suicide please call 999 or attend your local A&E and ask for the on duty Psychiatric Nurse. This is very important. Otherwise I suggest to go to your GP now for an urgent appointment.
You are not a weak man. You are brave revealing your problems here. Please go and get help. You can call the NAS on 0808 800 4104. If you help someone to talk to please call the Samaritans on 116 123. That number is free of charge from mobile or landline.
All the best. James.
Its my partners house, they are mid twenties now. My partner struggles with them, but she doesn't like me interfering so I have to respect that. I got involved in a difficult situation and then made it worse, so I have to go, especially when my partner has had enough of me.
My CPN and psychiatrists don't know much about autism, so struggle, I've talked about things that happen and they just write it down and offer nothing. The best one I see told me to go back to my own family for support, which won't work as they don't know how to help either, my mum says stay and work it out, and they have told me I can't stay with them.
I rang the NAS years ago and they told me to leave but as I've nowhere to go i'm still here.
I'm on my own on this, but I'm trying supported housing places so see what they offer, if nothing is available then I know what to do, I'm ready to go, I'm not been living for a long time.
I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.
If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx
The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on email@example.com.
MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.
If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed via webform https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104.
I hope that helps.
Don't hurt yourself. You are not alone. There are people that can help.
In my case after more than two years of rough sleeping and six months of remand in Prison I knew I had to get help. I went to my GP. I told him of a suicide plan. He immediately contacted the CMHT and two social workers came in a taxi, took me to the CMHT and I was assessed by a psychiatrist and another doctor. They decided I was a risk to myself and possibly others (my time in Prison was for an ABH offence).
They offered me a voluntary section. I accepted. Now I was in the system. I could get a social worker and psychiatrist and mental health care. Plus three meals a day and a safe place to stay in a warm bed. At this stage I was mentally ill and homeless. So the hospital couldn't discharge out on the street. A housing officer interviewed at the hospital. And my new shrink and social worker wrote very helpful that gave enough points to be in priority need. I am sure you will deemed to be in priority need because of your medical condition/s
I then spent five months in temporary supported accommodation and then got a brand new flat. And I'm still here fifteen years later.
If you need help urgently please go and get a same day appointment with your GP. Or contact your psychiatrist and leave a message. If you need help right NOW please go to your local A&E and tell them your situation. And ask for the on duty psychiatric nurse.