Standing up to people

Well done. I'd of found that so hard to do

Completly agree plastic. I get frustrated it takes me so long to work things out

Thank you so much for your kind words.

It’s just the net result of having had an infected wisdom tooth for the last few weeks on top of my other health issues, and then having said tooth removed under anaesthetic on Monday. I’m sure I’ll start feeling better soon now that it’s out. xx

That sounds awful - I really hope you feel better soon. Take the time you need to recover - sleep as much as you can, drink lots of water, and see your GP if you don't start feeling better in the next couple of days.

Thinking of you - feel free to drop me a message if you need to offload x

Thank you both @DuckBread and @Lyddybird.

Honestly, I’m so poorly at the moment I can’t really walk or wash myself, and spent the morning throwing up on the bathroom floor, so I kinda have more pressing concerns, but I do really appreciate your advice.

The Small Claims Court is not something I had considered but is certainly worth bearing in mind going forward. Thank you.

Well done for getting there

That's what happened when I was being bullied at work... because it was a member of management that was doing it, I was afraid of the repercussions if I reported her and wasn't believed. I wish I hadn't let it get as far as it did though.

I've never heard the phrase "L'esprit d'escalier" before, but I like it As you suggested, it's just a shame there's nothing to represent a longer delay!

Sorry to hear you're having such a nightmare with the neighbour/plumber situation. Lyddybird's advice might be worth exploring.

So glad it isn't just me. I get very frustrated with myself sometimes!

Having dealt with narcissistic people for much of my life, I think their reactions to confrontation have had a big impact on me. I am slowly becoming better at confrontation as I learn that not everyone will respond in an insane way like them.

I think you could still take the plumber to small claims court depending on how long ago this happened.

Yes absolutely. I feel that almost the bravest thing I've ever done was to tell our neighbour that I could hear his radio too much; it took a long time for me to get to this point (being annoyed about it on several occasions over months) and when it came to me thinking "I *have* to do something about this as it's impacting on my life and isn't fair" my heart rate must have been upwards of 120 for 15 minutes before and after.

I could have written that myself, so +1 from me.

Someone said something on here months ago that I really should have responded more emphatically against as it was hugely patronising and made lots of assumptions about me, but I took it all and responded in a way that cared for the other person's welfare.

There's a french phrase "L'esprit d'escalier" which means "The spirit of the stairs", referring to the feeling you get when you walk out of somewhere and only as you walk down the stairs do you realise what you *wish* you had said. I think I need a metaphor that plays to a *much* longer delay :-)

I think it is an Autistic thing. Not universal though.

I'm scared of confronting someone about something in the fear the way I do it will be used against me. 

I also really don't like confrontation. I think I want people to like me or I want peace and quiet more than most people.

Me too, me too!

My fiancé used to get really frustrated with me for this until I explained what’s going on in my head when it happens. I much prefer it when people text or email me so I have time to figure out how to respond appropriately. I find real-time conversations (either in person or on the phone) really stressful and generally always submit to the other person’s wishes, even when it’s not what I want.

We’ve now agreed that he’s in charge of all the real-time comms and I deal with all the written stuff, but it’s been a hard-won realisation. Last year, we had new bathrooms fitted which resulted in £1,000 worth of flood damage to the downstairs neighbour. She left it a week before reporting it to us so the damage was worse than it should have been (i.e. she was part liable for damage) and the plumber had cut corners which made the flooding much more likely in the first place (i.e. he was at least part liable too). Of course, they were all coming at me in person and I ended up paying the full £1,000 myself at a time when I was sick, unable to work and not entitled to any sick pay or benefits. As we live in a flat, the buildings insurance is part of our service charges but they recently put up the excess to £2,000 for escape of water so we weren’t covered and didn’t know.

My fiancé is still REALLY angry about the whole thing, but I just keep telling him this is the reality of being sick and autistic. People take advantage.

Exactly this  ^^^^   It takes me far too long to figure out if what is being said to me is overstepping the mark.

Like you, I can measure it from the outside looking in when other people are being abused and will step in on their behalf - I just can't do it for myself in a timely way - and yes, I process it for days, weeks or months afterwards trying to make sense of the interaction and trying to figure out if I was at fault.

I don't know if it's an autistic thing, but I definitely have a problem with this. Oddly enough, if I see/hear someone else being victimised/bullied, I will speak up and stick up for them. However, I find it much harder (often impossible) to stand up for myself. I was recently bullied at work and although I did eventually say something to the person in question and my manager, I made far too many allowances before getting to that point, and even then, I don't feel I did enough. I feel like they got away with it. Sometimes, it's a processing issue (e.g. by the time I've processed what the person's said, they've walked away and I've lost my chance to respond). Other times, I don't realise that I'm being victimised until after the event (e.g. when I reflect on it later, or when someone else points it out). I also hate being rude, so I'll sometimes refrain from standing up for myself if I can't think of a way to do so respectfully (even if they've been disrespectful to me).

I can fully relate to what you're saying about agonising over it for days or weeks. I'll often replay conversations and wish I'd spoken up or been stronger.

I'll stick up for others - no problem at all. I'm just not good at sticking up for myself.

Hello mouse2,

I too find it difficult to stand up to people with whom I have confrontation. In high school, when people took the mickey out of me, I just stayed quiet and chose to ignore the cretins doing it. If I retaliated, I would just be fulfilling their goal, to get to me.

I have a similar situation with my Mum. My Dad and I have learned that it is the path to a more quiet life, to just go with what she says than try and argue. My Mum and I both suspect that my Dad has Autism, as he displays similar traits to me i.e. getting easily frustrated or upset.