Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello if you're reading!
I think this is my first post.
I do have a formal diagnosis of high functioning autism via the DISCO assessment method. This was a gruelling process, for those of you who have also done it know, but it also means there is absolutely no doubt in my diagnosis; which is the main thing for me. If there could be doubt, I'd have wriggled free of diagnosis, I am quite sure.
I've had a look through recent discussion and can't find anything on what it's actually like to wake up and come to the world each morning.
I'm wondering if anyone else finds it as insulting to the senses as I do, and always have done - though some days are markedly worse than others, when waking up.
Here's what happens for me: waking up the first sense online is my hearing. I hear what I can only describe as falling glitter (yeah bare with me). Let's imagine an amazing mic next to a pot of glitter being tipped out. Can you imagine that sound? Like tiny light soft sand. There's other sounds too. Sometimes a high pitched constant sound, sometimes lower tone, sometimes just a noise I don't really know what it is, but often more than one of them. This has me going like *eehhh* and my response is to want to cover my ears up.
By this time I've probably attempted to open my eyes and I've become aware of the tightness and tiredness in my body.
My eyes are sensitive to light, I've been wearing tinted lenses since I was 10-12 (deep purple tint) and got them again when I was 22 (dark pink this time) so these have been a thing much longer than my diagnosis of autism, which was merely a month ago as a 23yo. I can't look at any sort of screen without bad effects. Waking up in the morning just any light of any sort is not OK. I have attempted to train my eyes by keeping curtains open so my eyes adjust under the eyelids before I'm conscious, but this is to no avail. I would wake up with the first light!!.
I have some chronic pain for multitude of reasons: hypermobility, scoliosis, degenerative disk disease, but mostly from my obsessions with various hobbies as a child, I really out did myself. So every day I have pain, this leads to someone touching me feeling like pain.
By this point - approximately 1 minute into consciousness, I am feeling very frustrated and I'm grasping at the tails of my dreams, clamouring to be amongst them once again. I remind myself that in X number of hours I will be free again. I think of what I must do for the day. I get up, stretch, and try get on with things.
My partner has always had little understanding of this, as a result he will still to this day, try and interrupt me whilst in this waking state, which does not go well for anybody. I do not feel, for the first hour of being awake, capable of being 'human', of being in control or thinking straight. I struggle to get washed and dressed (not going to lie I will frequently skip these steps). I hate the water. I hate the change in clothes. I hate the cold. I hate moving! I feel sick too. I usually don't have much strength at all and can have to lay down stretching for up to 20 mins before I'm ready to stand and walk down stairs (grab the bannister with my hand with enough grub and that)
I feel unbalanced, dizzy, and finally, anxiety sets in. Anxiety is not what it used to be, but some days, it's gobbled me up before I'm out of bed even. Apparently this can be lack of emotional regulation but I'm yet to talk more with the psychologist.
Never have I ever been able to 'do' breakfast. Just, is that a joke?? I can eat after a few hours though. Just not a chance in the morning, I would literally be sick.
All of these things will be worse if I am tired and I cannot actually function when I am tired, like I am not myself.
I'm really hoping someone is going to reply 'omg me too', but more than that, I hope someone is going to reply, 'omg me too, but that was years ago this is my routine now...'!
I hope that nobody comments on the less than helpful partner. I
That's a big topic of problems that I'm not really sure what to do about and will avoid at all costs! :D
So... Anyone else?
I've tried ear defenders and I can fall asleep listening to music so long as I have heard it before. This is even the case when I take medications to sleep or help with pain, in fact, it is actually much worse!
Anyway all of this happening on a daily basis, is stressful. I've never been able to talk about it so I'm excited to post about it. I do sorta hope it's relatable, even though it would suck if others experience this.........
I feel it must be to do with sensory processing but, I'll start with finding anyone alike!?
Oh, yes; to say that I'm "not a morning person" would be a huge understatement. It's as if each part of my brain has to go through its own waking up routine, one at a time and ever so slowly. It's at least an hour or so after waking up before I feel ready to deal with speaking to people, and even just a cup of tea can feel like too much breakfast. All of my sensory sensitivities seem turned up to the max; I find using and understanding language difficult; I forget what I'm doing after only a few seconds - I can be as close to my brain shutting down as if I'd been exposed to an overwhelming environment for an hour or more during properly "awake" times.
Like @Lea0311, I also wonder about your general quality of sleep and sleep patterns. Like a couple of other family members, I have chronic delayed-onset insomnia, and have had ever since early childhood (getting me ready for school was a nightmare for my Mum, because both of us were only barely awake!) In essence, my body wants to sleep between about 4 am to 12 noon; the pressures of a "normal" daily life mean forcing it to be 4-5 hours earlier, but my body and brain just never seem to adapt to this. It isn't only my sleep phase that's delayed in time, it seems to affect all of my body's daily cycles - I get hungry at different times to everyone else, can feel really mentally sharp in the early hours of the morning, always feel too hot and restless if I go to bed earlier, and so on. This kind of insomnia does seem to be especially prevalent for autistic people.