Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm feeling it today & need to write this:
I'm now trying hard to live in a way that is kind to me, to avoid repeating a burnout. It was a frightening experience and literally nearly killed me. Living by my new rules provides a healthy level of stress.
But, back in the work environment, the "do what everyone else does" drive is seductive. It whispers in my ear that it will be OK, I'm not really that different, and *everyone* does it - this is normal; go back to what you've been taught by observation since you were a child!. And when something unexpected happens at work, my mind empties of thoughts and there is total vacuum where my mental "to do" list was. The wolf of stress huffing and puffing and blowing down the straw house of executive functioning.
I might have to use the phrase "I need to hide today" and hope people understand, because I can't bare to go through the explanations of autism and how it affects me and how exhausting social interaction is.
You've come a very long way and just going to work when you're feeling like that is a huge achievement. I also felt I needed to hide today, but didn't know what to say to my colleagues (they don't know I'm awaiting an autism assessment). I ended up just getting through and feeling like a wreck by the time I got home.
You could always tell your colleagues you're going through a difficult time - they don't need to know the details if you don't want them to.
Take good care of yourself.
I rarely tell mine what's going on, just not to ask. Like I said above, it's up to them to be decent humans and respect you. You don't owe anyone an explanation, especially if you're unsure what you should say without having the formal diagnosis yet; though it's nice to give them some sort of heads up when you're having a tough day, so as not to be rude. Hope you've recovered this evening and feel a bit better now.
Definitely. Thank you - I will do.
Glad to hear you've picked up now, often getting home to our own space is all we need. Yes, the conundrum of most needing to do things when we find them hardest is a difficult one. Just be as honest as you can afford to, no one can ask more than that.
Thank you - I tend to try and give people the heads-up, but I struggle to do that when I'm feeling my worst. I should let them know though - it might make it easier for them to understand if I'm quieter than usual.
I'm feeling a lot better now, thank you.