Dealing with realisation I am autistic

That's what I love about this group - it's nice to know there are other people like us out there.

It is a difficult thing to come to terms with, and takes a long time whether you go for a diagnosis or not. I regret a lot of things and feel bad at stuff I have done in the past. I think part of it is because it breaks down or adds extra paths to your thought processes. Some of these are what you have developed yourself to deal with your condition. Its hard to have to rebuild some of those. Others are adding some extra insight to things you have done in the past, you had your reasons, if those reasons become challenged you have to deal with those feelings again. You need to give yourself a break, in that you didn't have the insight you have now at the time

In time things will get easier, my diagnosis was not a positive experience, but for most it is positive. I still don't regret doing the diagnosis, it gave me a lot more detail than I could have found myself. The diagnostic team was good, and even pre-empted feelings after diagnosis.

I appreciate your advice in thinking about what is fixed and what is flexible. I think that is where it is all shifting for me having realised I am autistic and I’m not sure how all the sands ( or mixed maetaphors) will fall. But I think focussing on there will be a good start.

I like this term! I think it’s a great idea to accompany revelations with humour, where possible!

Try not to worry about other people. If it helps you to understand and to be kinder to yourself then it is worth it.

Good advice

Exactly - this ("I need to develop strategies to protect myself") is how I respond when people tell me that I think too much / too deeply about it. It requires some thought about what is fixed vs flexible in your nature, and what is beneficial vs harmful in trying to change the flexible part. Add to this that our responses to things are non-linear, vary over time, and accumulate over time, and this is a very tricky world to navigate through!

I think the safest approach is to try to pay attention to what you really value, need and want, and not feel guilty about prioritising that over what others demand / need / think / tell you to do.

Oh I love this. A kick in the eye is exactly what it is. I remember saying to my sister that I should have seen this one coming  it was something that was in front of me the whole time but it had to kick me to be noticed. 

Oooh, that is a lovely word. And it is definitely easier when we can treat our struggles erith humour, makes everything feel that bit less frustrating. 

My personal term for that sudden awakening/realisation is 'satori', from the Japanese Zen Buddhist term which I'm told literally means something like 'kick in the eye'. (But I don't think of myself as a Buddhist.) The thing that appeals to me most about it is that the Zen masters often used a lot of humor to make their point to their novices. I like the idea that sudden (or even returning) insight can be accompanied with considerable humor. (But I'm not so keen on the master and novice idea.) So I often find my own issues quite entertaining. And it's good for me to be reminded of that, day-by-day.

Thanks Kitsun. I am kind of on the fence with diagnosis. I guess if it helps people understand that this is how I am it could be worth it. 

thankyou. It’s interesting that it all comes out once we recognise it. 

thankyou. It helps to know I am not Alone in these feelings

Thankyou. I am being kind to myself today by visiting a psychologist for the first time in my life. I’m afraid I will waste the whole expensive session choked with tears! I think you are right about the masking. I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t know if it’s that I can’t or I don’t want to or I feel resentful that I have for so long. I feel I need to develop strategies to protect myself and I’m not sure where to start.

Thankyou, I will have a look at that video it sounds great. It’s interesting what you say about needing a diagnosis for others to understand. I can see the merit in that although the cynic in me thinks doubters will always be doubters and that I would rather put my effort into understanding myself rather than convincing others. Although I suppose we need for others to understand don’t we.

The ‘penny drop moment’ when you realise that you are autistic is such a revelation and the mixture of relief mixed with regret is a very common reaction that many people including myself have had. I think the effort of trying to fit in with others but never quite managing it, is bound to catch up with us eventually. If you are sure then it might be worth pursuing diagnosis. I have found my diagnosis incredibly liberating, I don’t need to keep trying to fit it any more and even more importantly, I now know why I don’t fit in and it’s ok.

Hi, I'm in a similar situation - have known for a long time that there was a chance I might be autistic, but managing as an independent adult meant no one took me seriously when I tried to talk about it. At nearly 30 I have finally convinced someone to listen to me, conveniently this person works for the library so helped by borrowing some books for me. As I read about all the sensory issues (my only previous knowledge of these being tv documentaries of kids having meltdowns in shopping centers, and I've never experienced anything that severe), I realised that a lot of my strong likes and dislikes of very specific things, and unusual reactions to situations, are probably related to this. Directly afterwards I started experiencing some of them stronger than ever - instead of just struggling with people wearing too much perfume, I felt uncomfortable near anyone wearing perfume at all, for example - my theory is that our brains have been compressing certain traits in order to appear normal, and when we begin to accept the reasons behind them it stops doing that. So yes, I think it is part of the realisation that these things are part of you, and are ok, and there will be a process of learning to cope without denying who you are. Your husband will learn to cope, too!

I've definitely felt like this since realising I'm probably autistic. I've decided to seek a diagnosis so that I can get to know myself better and work out what I can do to make life easier.

Try and be kind to yourself - these feelings are all very normal.

Hi, you're by no means alone - everything you've said is something I (now diagnosed) and many, many other people here have been through and still going through to some extent.

So try to be kind to yourself - of course you're going to grieve for the you that you thought you were, whilst equally being excited at having met the real you.

You're not being selfish - you're dialling down the effort you've invested in masking, because you now see it clearly as something that is placing unfair and dangerous demands on your mental capacity.

Well done for realising!

Hi,

This is only my second time on here and I’m in my late 40s too! 

Everything you said resonated with me and I don’t think your being selfish at all. I realised after reading many books and researching a few years ago. I can remember the moment where it all made sense and I felt such relief. I burst out crying. I also went through a grieving period and a period of feeling like I could finally have acceptance of who I am. I think from what I’ve read this is quite a natural process. I still feel as if I need a diagnosis because when I try to explain to others then it’ gets dismissed because I’m not officially diagnosed. 

Have a look on Facebook at ‘seeing the unseen’. It’s a video of a really powerful poem of autistic women. I watch it when I’m struggling and find it really empowering. It also answers some of your questions.