Published on 12, July, 2020
My thoughts seem to continuously flip-flop between "Yay! I'm me, isn't it great! I understand now!" and "I f**** hate this situation! Three decades of stress that could have been avoided & relationships that could have grown more easily!".
Those thoughts by the way are meant only as illustrations of the types of thoughts that lead to two opposing feelings of a) feeling comfortable in my own skin and optimistic vs b) feeling angry about - I'm not exactly sure what.
I'm fully aware that the "flop" side - negativity, despair, anger, "if only" - is unproductive. But it still arrives in my head.
Anyone else get this?
I've certainly experienced these type of conflicting thoughts post diagnosis, though less now than I used to, although I did have to stop myself going down a bit of a dark mental spiral with it the other day.
On the positive side. It's so liberating/validating/clarifying to finally have this diagnosis and to understand why I am the way I am and the more that time goes on, the more I am giving myself permission to just be 'me'.
But of course I've also had thoughts of 'if only I'd been diagnosed as a child, then I could have had all of the early intervention, surely my parents would have made better choices had they known that their daughter is autistic, my life would have been so different'. I've felt true envy towards those diagnosed as children, convinced that I've been deprived of all the privileges that I perceive them as having had.
BUT
Rationalising: I wouldn't have been diagnosed as a young child because Aspergers wasn't even in the ICD until the early 1990's, by which time I was at secondary school. How can I be sure that my parents would have made better choices? I can't! My life may have been different but not necessarily in a good way! Are people who are diagnosed young really privileged? I doubt they perceive themselves as such, though I would need to ask them to be sure of that! In any case, I can't change the past, obsessing over 'what ifs?' will not bring me any benefit. It is as it is. Best to look to the future and see what can be done to improve my life moving forwards.
Kitsune said:I wouldn't have been diagnosed as a young child because Aspergers wasn't even in the ICD until the early 1990's,
Exactly - in my day, anyone 'different' was just bunged in the 'remedial' class, given a circle of paper and a crayon and left to it. Academic success wasn't a priority. There's no way I could have managed to become a CEng with all that ballast holding me back. My life has not been ideal but, everything considered, it's probably been the best for me.
I imagine that we’d all have been on the receiving end of a lot of prejudice, having the diagnosis way back in the last century when ASD was understood even less than it is now.
Re-reading that makes me feel old too
Not even too sure Kitsun isn't thinking about now as the 1900s, and so might even be talking about the 1800s. But I really shouldn't make an assumption based on my own age group's sense of perception of 'this century'.
Kitsune said:way back in the last century
You're making me feel old.