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Diagnosed in June at 40!

NAS63250

Hi. I was diagnosed ASD in June. I’m a 40 year old divorced single mother of three. Eldest has ADHD/ and oppositional defiant disorder. ( also suspect ASD) my youngest son is definitely on the spectrum and on the list to be seen (he’s 6 told the wait is 18 months here in North Wales)

The positive side of being diagnosed is I can stop blaming myself for failing at almost everything inc careers, education and relationships. 

The negative side is I wish I’d got diagnosed while I was young as I’ve gone through hell with depression and anxiety and alcohol.

There are times in my house that I just want an hour of no noise. I feel it all building up, too many different sounds. The children wanting different things from me. It’s overwhelming. I struggle with concentration and can only seem to do one thing at a time. I sometimes feel I can’t breath like I want to run into a field in the middle of no where and be alone.  I try not to think about all this as it would make me feel stuck in a whole trying to get out. The future again seems overwhelming. I’m trying to stay in the ‘now’

I love my children very much and feel guilty that I feel like I want to escape sometimes!

I don’t want to socialise yet admire and envy people who do and sometimes feel left out and lonely. Hate school runs, too many people, too much noise , too much going on. 

I feel tired, old. I’ve put on lots of weight and feel at my worst! I don’t seem to be able to care for myself and can’t remember the last thing I bought for myself.

Im just hoping things get a little easier. More manageable. I need to be more organised for sure and struggle to keep to rotas.

Im not sure what help is available if anyone knows. ( north Wales) 

Thanks 

  • I feel as if this has been written by me. I have not been diagnosed, but am 100% sure of ASD as it runs through my family with both parents and siblings as well as cousins etc. I have also done a lot of research on this. 

    I also am a single parent to 2 children, each having a father with zero contribution and of them has absconded. 

    I also struggle with very basic things, domestics, keeping schedules taking children out and also school runs and early morning routine are a struggle. 

    I feel as I am getting older ( I just turned 39) I am becoming more alienated from people and really like my own space, but don't particularly like being in the presence of people as I get overwhelmed. I can only take people in small doses at a time. 

    My eldest son is like a mirror of me and is affected by the same things as me. 

    With 3 children you are doing an amazing job. Do you have some after school clubs, play centres/groups? What helps me in addition to that is I put the kids in bed much earlier so that I can have my peace and quiet. 

    It would be good as another OP mentioned to maybe start an online group or something for mothers to share information with regards to these situations we face and finding the balance. 

    Much love and respect to you. 

  • in reply to Blackbird

    Thanks for the messages.

    Yes I didn’t mention the father.  Well long story but I have him chance after chance and he blew it. He isn’t a nice man at all and doesn’t bother much any more with the children despite me pointing this out to him. He knows I’ve recently been diagnosed and hasn’t offered me any help. I don’t think he believes me or is even bothered! He’s very self centred. Unfortunately I attract these men... I do feel I can’t read men very well... when someone says they love me I believe them. We were married and he cheated on me also which I was completely blind to.

    on another note, my sister and brother know I’ve been diagnosed and I’ve had no help off them either! I’m completely shocked. I live with my other brother and he has just been diagnosed also and they are not helping him either ... we’ve even written a letter to explain how autism has affected and is affecting us and they are still not even trying or even responding to the letter. My mum said they just don’t understand but my sister is training to be a counsellor yet she doesn’t want to understand my autism. 

    Rant over but thanks for the replies

  • It is none of my business and I would hate to stir up unpleasant memories  but may I ask whether or not the father of the children living anywhere near and if so might it be worth asking him to do a bit for his kids to take some of the strain off your shoulders for a little while?

    He HAS to at least be made aware of your situation now that you have that diagnosis, the new understanding he may arrive at of you and the daily difficulties you have faced for your entire life and of what you have to contend with in bringing up three kids single-handed could just possibly stir him into taking a more active role in the raising of his children-which are still his responsibility in every real sense.

    I feel for you and wish you luck, it is obvious that you need a bit of support so do go back to your GP and where you were diagnosed and impress upon them the seriousness of your situation.

    I am 60, myself only just recently diagnosed and I very much identify with the "positive" and "negative" sides to late diagnosis you mentioned early on in your letter, I'm still coming to terms with it-feel like I have spent a lifetime in prison for a crime I did not commit-but confessed to anyway!

    Just hang in there, write to this forum if you want to express yourself, there are many here who can offer you far better, practical advice than me and you may just find someone who is in a similar position to yourself with whom you could make a "Friendship request" and have a direct link to away from this forum.

    People who come on here care and are on your side, we know what you must be going through and would be only too happy to give you every bit of support we can.

    11/10 for getting this far and for-despite everything else going on in your mind-finding the reserves and fortitude to manege being a mum to what I imagine are quite demanding kids 

    You have my deepest respect.

  • Support does seem a bit thin in the North, which is probably why the Welsh Assembly is now attempting to develop an All-Wales Integrated Autism Service:

    www.asdinfowales.co.uk/north-wales-integrated-autism-service

    This link lists some NAS branches in Wrexham, Denbigh & Flint:

    www.autism.org.uk/.../wales.aspx

  • Have you been to back to your GP to see if there are any support services in your area?  It might be worth asking for support with executive functioning as well.  Also congratulations on raising three kids on your own - I certainly couldn't do that.  I am sure you are a great mother despite what you may think.  It might be worth looking at ways you get a bit of time out from the kids even for 30 mins.  Is there a relative that can help?  Or, do they like playing on computer games?  Something that will absorb them in their own rooms for say just 30 mins so you can get a bit of a breather. 

  • I have no idea what helps available but wanted to say hi