Verbal abuse of family

Thanks I will look into that.

Read even a few posts on this forum, and that is a very common theme. Some of it I will never talk about. I have absolutely no desire to relive some education and career experiences. It happened a long time ago, and in my case, I have got over quite a lot of it by just telling myself to STOP! But it took decades to achieve that without assistance.

 I wonder if your son would have any interest in self-hypnosis. If he is a keen reader, there are quite a few books and internet sites available. And it is also relaxing for carers/parents. (I favour the books myself.) Others might also suggest meditation, as somewhat similar. I am not a huge fan of alternatives, but I have found that there is actually a lot of common sense about it. You might even just think of it as constructive day-dreaming or positive psychology. Now these seem to me to be good ways of coping with pain, fear, stress, anxiety and depression. I guess a lot of people here would also talk about mindfulness, which is seemingly favoured by many NHS trusts these days. But as I'm an expat, mindfulness is not quite so readily available to me, so I'm not too sure if it is suitable or not. It's common use with the NHS suggests that it is. There are downloadable resources available from NHS trusts, if you are registered with an NHS practice. I'm am forgetting that there are undoubtedly books available on the subject, but you might say I happened on self-hypnosis first, whilst reading about hynotherapy/guided imagery.

These are all approaches that allow one to pick & choose what one is comfortable with. I started off doing self-hypnosis because it was the only real support available to me here. I don't exactly do it in a very formal or regimented manner, because I'm told it is not necessary. I'm not a very formal person! I have found it to be remarkably useful, but perhaps it might not suit everyone. There is also plenty of room for personal adaptation. In my case, it led to an a very rapid brake on depression (so I didn't have to endure the somewhat dubious use of anti-depressants) and allowed me to get better sleep in this very noisy city. I'm also working gradually on some other things.

There are actually a whole load of alternatives out that are gradually proving themselves; especially in conjunction with more mainstream approaches. And their effect on different parts of the brain is now beginning to be detectable with various medical technologies.

Something like this might even act as an eventual bridge to F2F therapies.

Hi thanks I did stand firm with him during the call which is why he might have apologised I think I might just put the phone down straight away next time but always scared it’s a cry for help

Thank you for your reply the post was interesting I often wonder what went on when he was at School some stuff he tells me but some of it is so bad I can tell he is blocking from his mind as talking about things seems to make him relive them.

Hello 

Thank you again for your reply I will message you when I work out how. However my other son had PTSD from being in the Army and hypnotherapy worked and I wondered about this but as this son is so complicated I am always scared of therapy’s making him worse. Plus I will have to get him to agree. I am interested in your suggestions so I can explore all possibilities.

That will always be the OP's decision. An apology has been made, and some further evidence indicates that both parties are stressed and seem to need some degree of outside assistance/advice. The OP's son might even be reading this thread, as the OP has indicated he might benefit from this forum.

:-)  But I suppose all comments here so far should stand, as an indication that threats will inevitably be counterproductive.

NAS63560 said:

knowing that it's not your son's fault

Uh...

NAS63634 said:

he phones me shouting that if I had not helped him his life would be perfect. He swears and threatens me .

Sorry but no amount of Autism can justify behaving like that, he needs to be disciplined or he'll keep taking advantage. 

These unexpected outburst are rather quite common among the autistic community. It would be strange if they didn't occur at all. There's not much you can do about them except be patient and tolerant, knowing that it's not your son's fault, in the least; he's actually a victim of a "byproduct" from the environment.

Here's an interesting post I wish to share: Autistic Screeching: A Cry for Help from Children with Autism?

Thanks for the extra info. I would just like to emphasize that I may have some parallel experiences, rather than any great expertise. And I'm still hoping someone else will add to my comments from a stronger position. Raynaulds I know nothing about, but looking it up a bit I really can imagine that it might cause considerable discomfort and frustration for a person interacting with people in an outside job, who also rides a bike. Glad to hear about the apology!

I guess you are also referring to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I would think that credible, as I believe that I might have been put through it by a bad car crash on the day after I finished my 0-levels (GCSEs). I know the effect was quite long-lasting. It was never addressed.

So I just  looked up a book I read recently about a certain type of therapy that is said to be very effective against PTSD. (But I should tell you I have never experienced it.) it is known as the rewind technique, but there are other names for it. The therapist guides the subject into reliving the traumatic experience, but not directly; almost as if he is observing himself watching a movie at normal speed, ffwd and rewind. The therapist does not actually explore the experience by asking endless questions, and so never actually gets to hear the details of the experience; which is said to be a lot less stressful for the person under therapy. I won't go into detail here, but I could tell you where you might find such therapists. Also where to find literature on it, which both you and your son might find comforting to read first.

An added extra is that this particular 'school' of therapy (there are so many ;-) believes the subject should normally benefit from therapy right from the first appointment. and that only 2 or 3 appointments might be necessary for most. I'm probably not supposed to promote a non-NAS endorsed organisation on this forum, but you could send me a Private Message (PM) on this forum, and I will PM you back with some links. Again, this is not something I have personally experienced, but it has been around a long time and has been approved for uses by some (if not all) NHS trusts. And therapy of this type or similar might also address some other issues.

You might also want to seek a critique of rewind from other posters here. I would imagine that some here will know a lot more about it than myself. I have heard that it is an established technique for PTSD, often used with traumatised armed forces personnel to considerable and rapid effect.

Thanks for your reply. He won’t accept outside help I don’t know how to find support for me but this group seems good. His job is outside which causes great pain to his hands as he has severe Raynaulds also he has to deal with people which he finds difficult. I am not sure what work he can do as an alternative plus now he won’t let me advise him. I think all the threats are empty but at the back of my mind I worry if it changes. On a positive for the first time ever he apologised yesterday for what he said. I have worked out he is suffering PST from a bike crash he had and is having flashbacks but won’t agree to have counselling as it involves talking. I am trying to find a way to relax and not get so worried because I guess I really cannot stop bad things happening now he has grown up.

I can see it in myself. I reckon it happened to me with my partner just a few minutes ago. My only real defense is that..... things escalate, with both of us. The air can get a bit blue! It happened a few times with my parents too. But  with them, I got used to the idea years ago of keeping quiet about my frequent mistakes. With my partner, these things are unhideable. But I would also say that I have long avoided other kinds of risky behaviour. I'm daily surrounded by numerous examples of much riskier behaviour.

But that doesn't really help you much. I can only really say that you probably have to be a bit more relaxed about allowing him to learn from his own experience. It genuinely takes a lot longer with some people. That might eventually cool him down, but that is never going to be entirely easy, I know. Another thing that definitely comes to mind is that NAS and other groups are very conscious that parents/carers/stakeholders also need counselling/advice/help. I would suggest you let him know ASAP that his actions will always have an impact on you, and so you are entitled to seek outside help for yourselves. I'm guessing that he is loathe to seek outside assistance for himself, but perhaps might begin to see that for himself. It sounds like he should learn to fix his own bicycle. I'm supposing that should be possible because it seems he lives away from home and has some independence. I'm quite dyspraxic, but I just persist until I get things more-or- less right. There's lots of trial and error. I've also had my fair share of accidents. What probably helped me most was that I worked in a remote environment where make-do-&-mend was a daily economic necessity.

Wish I could be a bit more proactive in my thoughts! But there will almost certainly be further posts here that will build on/be more constructive than my fumblings.  i also know about  my own outbursts of frustration. They don't automatically mean you have to pick up the pieces. I'm sure it is very hard having to listen to these outbursts, but perhaps it will eventually click that you don't at all enjoy hearing them, and that his energy would be better directed in solving his own stuff.

A few too many ifs and buts there for my own liking. But I would like to ask if your son is working. and in roughly what capacity? Also, about the threats: Do they take the form of ''I will go take my own risks, and you will be responsible if it doesn't work?" Or is it more menacing?