Published on 12, July, 2020
I am beginning to wonder whether Christianity was one of my obsessions when I was in my twenties? I am now forty and I still go to church but it is starting to feel like I go because that is what we do. It has became routine. I am questioning my faith and don't quite know what to do.
If you are intelligent you will question everything and anything. It’s a healthy sign of a mind. Just because I question anything doesn’t mean I have to disengage. As a teenager I questioned my senses.
I had a feeling of derealisation- everything felt and seemed unreal - and the shocking sense of conviction shook me to the core: I was alone and imagining all and had been forever. In that moment everything I ever knew seemed to dissolve. I was left existing only as a sensor of anxiety. Maybe PSTD?
Who knows? Anyway: others are more aware if I’m hallucinating it all because they will sense their reality in a way that I can’t. Similarly: if my lack of faith is the delusion I won’t ever know that it is because only that whose existence I doubt can know its existence in the very way which is impossible for me.
I’ve had many of these conversations with friends who are enclosed Catholic Nuns and these questions of faith when discussed with them online I’ve found thier responses very useful in my own life, especially after my diagnosis