Published on 12, July, 2020
Sometimes I wish, if I was going to have a disability, that I could have one everyone agreed was difficult. With autism, some people act like it's an absolute curse, and others say we need to celebrate neurodiversity and that there's nothing wrong with being autistic and it shouldn't even be thought of as a disability, that sometimes it's even advantageous, and that I'm being a mega drama queen for being upset about it. I mean, I find myself getting really sad and angry with myself for the way I am, but then I hear a lot of people saying there's nothing wrong with being autistic, so I try to be positive, and then just when I'm doing well being positive, I'll hear someone say autism is 'every parent's worst nightmare' or something along those lines. And then I go back to being despairing. I just don't know what to make of it. Does anyone else feel messed with by this?
It's unfortunately a confusing world full of confusing messages and yes I agree, it's confusing.
I'm autistic and I haven't told anyone except my parents because they were required at my assessment. I think if you asked people who know me (acquaintances) then they'd never think of me as having a disability.
If you asked my closet friends then they might think so due to knowing more about my personal circumstances though not my exact diagnosis. They can see that my ability to function is impaired as they spend more time with me or not me as the case may be.
If you asked me then I would say I do have a disability. I have a condition that significant impairs my ability to function.
I would also say though that being autistic means I have traits which are desirable and beneficial.
It's really difficult to explain to others but it's not all good and it's not all bad being autistic.
Mostly days are very difficult for me but I have some incredible achievements which I have no doubt are due to be autistic too.
Today was a sad day for me. Being autistic meant being unable to function and being desperate to get home. It meant needed to nap for 2 hours to recover. It meant feeling bad. The anxiety was terrible.
Other days I'm okay. It's not easy but I'm not sad and I manage more.
It's easier said than done but I would try not to let what others say get to you. Sometimes people are misinformed or they words are well intented despite being unhelpful. I've found sometimes people just say things for the sake of saying them... This one really does puzzle me.
I've been to the doctor this week as I've been unwell with a few different ailments. Person one I met who doesn't know me well at all said "are you okay? You are looking very pale today." Then person two a few hours later told me I was "looking well".
Which is it? Am I ill? Based in my symptoms and my doctors reaction... Most likely. Am I pale? Possibly... Does this suggest ill? Possibly... Was I looking well? It seems unlikely but people seem to say this! I'm not sure why! To make people feel good... I guess well is a good thing... And if you care about how you look then I guess well would be satisfying... Maybe I momentarily looked well...
Also, people tend to have strong opinions and particularly in the ASD community this is more likely due to black and white thinking. It's either good or bad in many people's opinions but actually sometimes it isn't that simple. For me being autistic is both a good thing and a bad thing. I can't change it therefore I accept that with the good comes the bad and only I truly know my experience of living as an autistic person.