Can an suspected Aspergers Husband seem very non ASD when things are going well?

Hi,

New to all this.  I am in the middle of a separation.  My youngest has been assessed and has been recommended to go for further assessment/diagnosis for ASD.  Given what I have learned especially recently I really believe my soon to be ex has Aspergers.  I am no expert but when I look at the lists and characteristics and even when I had the private assessment it all fell into place.

My questions is can an Aspergers person appear quite high functioning on daily basis, socially, warm, gentle and caring even though I see his other social side.  I know he doesn't have any real friends and he is a bit anxious when he has to go out with our friends or eg make a complaint etc. 

In my experience where he is really struggling is when I approach him for help usually regarding the kids eg having problems with school, their development.  He "usually" is either not too interested or behaves defensively.  This up to recently didn't make sense as I was not arguing with him.  I might have been pushing for help and fustrated by his reaction and then it would usually lead to an "argument".  I highlight "arguement" but these were 95% of the time him being quiet, blank, saying he had to think about it, changing what he meant, contradicting him self, being dishonest me using metaphors and trying to explain what I meant.  Basically lots of me pulling my hair and feeling like it was all gaslighting.   We never really have resolved anything and he 90% of the time has never taken responsibility or apologised because he says that I always have it wrong, I have been critical, I am being dramatic etc  I actually believe he believes it and I do not think he has the ability to put him self in my shoes (empathy).  I believe he loves our sons dearly but I see this tested when it doesn't suit him.  One eg since my sons assessment he has never looked up anything or made any appointments or come to me to discuss this.  My ds is having a lot of trouble in the school and as he says "he is busy trying to deal with his life because of our breakup".  I believe him.

Is it possible that he has it all together, sees nothing wrong, that he is able to go to work every day even when we were separating and now through all this new news, is able to function, is pleasant and appears very caring especially to our children and others.  Hope I make sense.  I just can't believe where I am having to deal with all this on my own.  He either truly doesn't see what is really going on and when I point it out I think he kind of hears it but nothing changes.  I have tried to ask if he would go for an assessment and he says he doesn't see the point.  I said whats the harm but he keeps trying to change the subject.  I have been as gentle as possible about this and have made a big effort for to load him with all this request.  I mentioned it a month ago.  It would be a great help if he did.  Even if we never got back as it would give us the tools to be better parents and it would really help me and the kids.

Rant over.  Would really appreciate your help on what feels like the Jackal and Hyde side of this, maybe its masking?  So many questions......Thanks