Published on 12, July, 2020
It's not something I like to admit. But when I was a teenager due to severe issues with managing to keep friends and randomly finding myself having inappropriate reactions to things emotionally I found myself making a lot of stuff up. But I keep reading that autistic people don't or can't lie. This leaves me confused. What would happen was, I'd not respond to something socially or respond in some way that others found funny (to things that weren't jokes or anything) and then other kids would laugh at me and then sometimes that would lead me to cry because I was overwhelmed by the whole ordeal. Someone would then eventually come over and ask 'what's wrong?' and because I had no explanation I would end up saying something like, "My dog just died," Even though my dog hadn't just died. Sometimes I'd use a real dog that had died but had actually died years ago. Or I'd hear of someone else's problems and I'd lie and say I had the same problem. Because otherwise, I didn't have an answer for them for why I was upset other than, "I'm confused by everything and everyone and the world is too much" It meant that for a moment the person appeared as they understood me for a change, but they understood me wrong because I was lying. But they also didn't understand me when I didn't lie. But it meant it felt like they understood my sadness for a moment. Like it wasn't just some random reaction I had no control over but was something for a 'real' reason that could be 'explained' I grew out of my lying phase though. And though I did tell those lies, I also did have a problem with telling the truth at supposed 'inappropriate' times. Which was incidentally another reason I never managed to keep friends...I was just wondering if I'm the only one, (I have a feeling I might be).
I rarely tell lies. I usually only tell lies if it is an obvious joke and / or something I would not mind if someone found it was a lie. I do have a problem with people believing my truth. I find that it is my body language, facial expressions, and colourful life that lead people to think that I am a liar. I have actually also found that everyone lies. Neurotypical people lie all the time, but they usually hide behind professional titles such as Doctor, Lawyer, Teacher, Police Officer, etc.
I can relate. I constantly second guess other people now. But I'me in this cycle where I sort of punish myself and end up saying to myself, "Well serves you right for all your lies as a teenager" But yes I find it very hard to believe people who say they actually like me. And I find myself having to stop myself from asking for reassurance that they're not just saying that to be polite.
I always lie about my feelings and just say I’m fine even though i don’t know or if I feel neutral. When I’m killing myself inside by hiding my natural self or just have a hard time I say I’m fine.
In terms of lying to gain something I can create a carefully planned lie that will work but a quick snappy lie is difficult for me.
What autistic people have difficulty with in lying is that we often believe everything we are told and now I’ve learnt that people lie I constantly think over in my head whether what people say is a lie or the truth.
It has problems in social situations as if a person says they like me the constant rejection I’ve faced in the past will make me think over for days whether they actually like me or if they were lying.
Can anyone relate?
Nah you didn't upset me. Thanks.
Hi Flint I hope I haven’t upset you, my reply was to plastic specifically, it is a short piece that was said by Dr Who on tv to a computer called the boss, I thought after plastic so eloquently described how maybe we struggle to formulate a response straight away which can cause delays and then a quick response is given which is based on little thought could be a lie to us as it is not as specific an answer as we would like.
The Dr asked the super brained computer the question as it had said it could answer any question there was, the fact is it could not answer that question as it contradicts itself, it had its own kind if melt down trying to find an answer, it couldn’t as it was illogical.
The human element gave the Dr time to get gone while it struggled with itself.
Take care and just be you.
I know that I struggle to lie now because. Like you say the experience of realising people didn't believe my lies (though I think some of them were believed, like the dog dying because it was based on some truth. So I wasn't having to 'act' as much). I always struggle with what might be classed as 'white lies' though.
I think we either don't lie at all or lie in the extreme, just like Flint was saying he or she did. For my own part, I'm not good at understanding subtlety and I also don't know how to do it. therefore, when we do lie, it's probably really obvious to everyone. When we realise this, we probably stop doing it and just tell the truth all the time - though that can also get us into trouble...
I personally struggle with fake people. I can't stand it when people are fake, probably because I don't understand what they're trying to achieve or why they're doing it. I actually find it very confusing.
Thats why it's hard to admit. I feel like the moment I say "I used to lie a lot," is the moment people go, "Hmm you used to lie a lot, so who is to say you're not lying now?" LOL
Yea, the lies just blurted out of my mouth in the moment of trying to explain myself. There was never a premeditated plan of "Oh, today I'll lie about this" etc.
Sorry couldn’t resist that
“If I were to tell you the next thing I say will be true, But the last thing I said was a lie ! Would you believe me?”.
;)
I don't think you were lying intentionally. I suspect that you have similar communication issues to the rest of us and you were put under unexpected pressure to create an answer - so you feel you have to give an answer quickly but you haven't fully finished processing the question along with all it's emotion, social expectations, the decision to work out if they really want a detailed, personal answer and the complication of formulating the 'correct' answer - so you just pop out a random answer that you immediately realise was the wrong answer - but too late - it's out there and has been accepted and logged in your history file so you're stuck with the results.
The anxiety you feel now is working out how many million combinations and permutations that the wrong answer could come back and haunt you - and what should you do if it does come back around.
I feel the same way so I never lie - i have a set of pre-programmed generic responses that fit most situations. On the rare occasion that something unexpected comes up - I glitch. It's when I'm most vulnerable to being outed as an autie. It's as though "Error 404 - page not found" appears across my forehead.
Yes - I struggled growing up and used to lie about things to get sympathy/ attention from people in a similar way to what you have described - I didn't have (and still don't often) have words for the actual reason for being upset/ overloaded - I have always felt very ashamed of this and never occurred to me it might be connected to autism - I'm only now going through diagnosus (I'm in my late 40s). You are not the only one.
That seems to make sense based on my memories of childhood. I was only recently diagnosed. Though had suspected it for a long time. But the lying thing kept throwing me off course.
Lying and saying inappropriate things is common with autistics.
What we have difficulty with is socially acceptable white lies that most people find natural.