Published on 12, July, 2020
I live with my teenage daughter and my partner. I got my diagnosis a few years ago now. I shared it with my partner but he's shown no interest in finding out anything more about it and makes no allowances for me. We've known each other a very long time and he's always been quite brusque but he seems to be intolerant of me now. There are many examples of his daily behaviour which undermine my confidence. Today, for example, I made a statement to my daughter (it doesn't really matter about what) and I could see he was very annoyed at me. I had to ask several times for him to explain why he was cross and eventually he put on a whiny voice and mimicked what I had said to her and then he said to me "you've been up 10 minutes and you're moaning". But I wasn't. It was simply a statement. I said to my daughter "sorry if you thought I was telling you off" and she shrugged and said she didn't and didn't know why he was so cross. I told him I wanted an apology and he can't put intentions into my head but he just got more cross and I'm still waiting for the apology.
I am also very noise sensitive but if I ask him to stop drumming with his fingers (for example) he says things like "no one should have to live like this" or won't talk to me.
Even when I'm trying to be nice he gets cross. For example, he does the weekly shop and I said "shall I have a go at it this week so you can have some extra time for your hobbies?". but that made him cross and he got very annoyed saying "I haven't said I don't want to do the shopping and I don't mind doing it so stop making it seem like I do".
Sometimes when I reach overload with sensory issues (I include his bad moods in my sensory issues) I say I don't feel well and he says "oh what's wrong now? It's all about you isn't it?". But if I ask him if he's had a good day or such he says "I don't feel the need to talk about it".
He is not all bad and does do nice things for us and daughter adores him but there is a very long list of things like these that have happened. I think he is being unkind and I don't think he likes me. He's known me for 15 years and should know by now that I don't make snide comments with hidden meanings, I'm not sarcastic and I get very confused when he accuses me of thinking and implying things.
I don't really have any friends I can talk to about this and don't want to worry my parents with it. I know they think I should ask him to leave but that's not a solution at the moment.
I don't know whether I am genuinely so frustrating to live with or whether he's unhappy being stuck in family life and takes it out on me. I don't really understand at all. My solution is to speak as little as possible. I know that over the years I have experienced a lot of hostility from people - housemates at university, colleagues in previous jobs, strangers in shops - so I suppose my questions are: is it unreasonable for people to make an adjustment for us as they would if we had a physical difference? And is it possible that ASD traits can make people we live with this cross?
thank you for reading.
Dear Besidethesea,
I am sorry to read about your expereinces. I had a similar situation with my Mother as I was trying to care for her. I was having to put up with constant put downs and verbal abuse as well a her paranoia. Life is difficult enough on the spectrum without that treatment so I had to cut off all contact and as a result, now my siblings will not speak to me as they see me at fault. Please do not put up with such treatment any longer as it does affect your health and confidence. I regret having not cut off contact years ago. I am now much more confident and happy and have a wonderful group of friends at my local autism charity, Lifeworks. I hope you are able to make the break soon and find happiness.
Besidethesea said:He's said many times he's going to leave but i don't feel strongly that he should stay or go. It's his choice
Well, one one side it is a relief that you are no longer invested in him emotionally.
On the other side, do you enjoy being treated this way in your own home? It is not neutral to you, is it? He is affecting negatively your confidence and well-being, you are living with emotional abuse. It's very damaging mentally. You have autism to cope with, why do you need abuse from a man you don't even love anymore.
Put your ducks in a raw and kick him out.
Besidethesea said:Gosh, the number of people I've had get really very cross.
You didn't get them cross. You are not responsible for other people's abusive behaviours, bullying and prejudices.
Is this thinking that you trigger people to be nasty, coming from him? It's the typical 'she's getting on my nerves'.. of every abuser and misogynist. Is it getting to you? The more reason to kick him out fast.
Detoxify yourself, girl
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I have tried to talk to him but he says he doesn't want to discuss and analyse everything.
He's most definitely not autistic. Not a shred. He treats me the way his dad used to treat his mother and she was quite sick.
I just get a bit low that even the person who is in my house gets so cross at me. Gosh, the number of people I've had get really very cross. This is probably another thread entirely.
Maybe he's just unhappy or as you suggested has been drifting apart from me. I wouldn't have noticed that. I've switched my reactions off now so it doesn't affect me too much. He's said many times he's going to leave but i don't feel strongly that he should stay or go. It's his choice.. maybe that's the difference? Someone else would have more emotion invested in it all.
Anyway, thanks for reading this far.
Of course there is nothing about you being yourself that can justify or excuse being intolerant or crossed with you in your own home. You deserve being loved and appreciated for who you are, just like anyone. The relationship is accepting and caring for people the way they are, with all their flaws and strengths as a package. I am very sorry you are in this difficult situation. The relationship and family home should be the place of love, support, safety and relaxation.
Nobody should live a life where you feel you can't speak and your confidence is continuously undermined by the person who should be the source of support.
You mentioned he is 'brusque'. Is there a possibility your partner himself is autistic and you are having a spiral of misunderstandings that have piled up? It is not unusual for autistic people to gravitate into relationships with other autistic people or with people with other vulnerabilities or psychological problems. Is there anything about your partner that could explain his behaviour?
You already hinted that your parents have a view about this situation. I hope it wouldn't come as a surprise to you if I said your partner's behaviours could be viewed as abusive, unless he is on the spectrum and can't see and address that without help. It is emotional abuse.
Abuse is never your fault, you could never 'deserve it', it has nothing to do with your characteristics. In fact blaming you for the reasons of abusive behaviour, continuously undermining your confidence is the essence of abuse. The reason for this is the abuser's own self esteem and psychological problems. It is not you, it's him.
He is not necessarily deliberate or cognisant about this, but that's the effect on you.
Another aspect of your situation could be the relationship breakdown in slow motion. I've seen that happening that with time and hormonal changes, especially when communication is not great, people grow apart and 'forget to tell each-other'. Communication is the most important thing in the relationship, the fact that you feel you can't speak is exacerbating the problem. When the sex and emotional connection breaks down, I have seen people finding anything and everything about their partner annoying and irritating. In these situations people look for excuses to blame on the partner the changes in themselves. Your partner could be blaming your real traits, or simply scapegoating your autism without any reason at all apart from that he does not appreciate YOU in the way you deserve.
Can you actually speak with him and explain how you feel and demand that he addresses it with you, or is he gas-lighting you?