Published on 12, July, 2020
In March 2019, I was given a full diagnosis of Autism (Asperger's Syndrome). It did come as a shock to both me and my family. I'd always known that I was different to my friends and a bit quieter, but I legitimately thought that was OK. It now clearly wasn't. I started University last Autumn (don't want to reveal what/where I studied at) but after I received no support for my diagnosis and mental health, everything plummeted. Emails weren't getting answered quickly and when they were, it was always on the lines of "you're lazy, you've got no brains etc". I made the decision to stop going, the environment was toxic. Some of the students were nasty towards me, often blanking me out during group work sessions or leaving me out of events for no apparent reason. I live at home with my parents. For the past few months since the diagnosis, I've realised that I'm a huge failure. I have a lifelong disability and being the only family member with a disability, I've been too ashamed to open up to anyone about how I feel, since no-one can relate to me.
I finally told some family about my diagnosis but they reacted negatively. Calling me once again "lazy" and "you didn't try hard enough." I haven't spoken to them and have even considered cutting them out of my life altogether. I have a boyfriend and been together for nearly two years. He was shocked by my diagnosis, but is still with me. I've told him all the time that I'm stupid, useless and that he should look for someone else. I've been trying to get help and support to come to terms with my diagnosis at age 20, but to no avail. Either long waiting lists, expensive private appointments or no replies to my messages. I literally have nothing left.
I'm fully convinced that I'm a total failure, the life that I truly wanted is now ruined. My education life has always been rocky from the start. This was my dream Uni and course, but I feel that I've been pushed away due to their lack of understanding. I'm generally paranoid to look for a job. Not because I don't want to, not because I'm trying to be lazy. I'M TOO ANXIOUS TOO. But I need the money. I do get some from a family member but that's not me doing it for myself.
I'm very depressed and basically, there's no hope left. I'm now in debt. Alone. Struggling. This forum posting here is a risk. I used to post on a different website but I got trolled, so here I am opening myself up again...
If someone/anyone can truly help me before this situation gets worse, I'll be eternally grateful.
Ally.
There is always hope. Our problems only seem difficult when we think about all the things that are going wrong.
Now that you have been diagnosed, you have a new opportunity to reassess your life situation.
I would highly recommend you take a look at online CBT. It's completely free and online, you'll be assigned a therapist that can work with you on talking through your problems. If you suffer from depression they can also help discuss ways to improve your mood.
I was in a similar situation. I dropped out of university after a few months and moved back with my parents, it was then years of arguments over being accused of being lazy and not wanting to work. It actually turned out for the better, the career I thought I wanted to pursue was a mistake, and it took me another 10 years to accept that I would have to overcome my disability challenges in order to pursue what I really want to do (which I previously avoided due to fear).
Everything works out for the better when you don't lose hope, but find solutions and seek help.
I'll definitely take a look at the online CBT, thanks for the recommendation. I've always lived with my parents, but there's other family things going on right now that aren't great either.