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Onset of Loneliness since diagnosis.

Blackbird

Anybody else start to feel lonely for first time after diagnosis? Before my DX for autism and ADD I was OK with being alone, there are lot's of reasons why this is preferable but a major one is low self-esteem on account of a lifetime of screw-ups-and my inability to learn much from them. I am not absolving myself of guilt but now believe that given the state of my brain particularly the way it scrambles what I hear from people and what I understand about what is going on around me, it is not any kind of surprise at all that I should have amounted to so little.

All that being said, I am still just as screwed up and just as much hard work for others as before but as my new-found knowledge sinks in slowly,I feel less like a total waste of space and should really try to go out into the world a bit more and meet people-the trouble is that I have lived this way for so long I would not know where to start. Whenever I do try to chat to strangers, I only ever seem to get monosyllabic responses-if at all, it's almost as if I have the mark of Cain upon me ( I did write "Kane" originally-I've been having a lot of heretical and treasonous thoughts about Harry Kane  and his future at Spurs recently!)  The tension l experience with proximity to others probably shows itself in some way and I imagine they think I may be a psychopath struggling to control his killing urges. I have no small talk and I don't like looking people in the eye-or rather them looking me in the eye.

With all of that-plus a whole lot more I haven't even touched upon here I think you could forgive me for not holding out much hope of progress and I now feel officially "Lonely" for the first time ever and it sucks because there is nothing I can think of to break out of this hole. Despite knowing that I would still like to connect with people, hopefully some of those who know about the conditions and can be tolerant and understanding. Taking everything into account, I'd have to truly BE from another planet instead of just thinking that I do to seriously expect that anything like that could possibly happen.

  • Hi Blackbird

    Sorry that you are feeling 'down' and isolated right now.  I am glad you have felt able to reach out here, on the forum.  For me it has afforded me the ability to feel much less isolated amongst a community others who have each experienced in their own way the rollercoaster life and a life as an aspie "outsider".

    For me, my isolation is self-imposed as a means of re-balancing, re-calibrating or just feeling vulnerable so I hide myself away in my own "safe place".... but also just simply is due to having a life time of feeling like a seperate being from others (not just fitting in - or not always have the emotional, mental etc resilience to pass 100% of the time) that I have accepted that I don't fit and am too exhausted at times (or just non-committal) to tray and fit in.  :)

    It takes time for others to understand us. I find it difficult to articulate who I am and my needs or what I find challenging and am probably perceived too much of a challenge to "work out" by others.

    My ASC marks me as separate, my interests also do the same as well as my achievements. 

    Self care is key, you have had your diagnosis and it can knock one for six as gives cause to reframe and reexamine what has come before.  Diagnosis or not, you are still wonderfully you and you have worth. 

  • If you believe you have amounted to so little, what would amounting to much, look like? What is it you want from other people or from connecting to them? And how long is it since you got your diagnosis? It takes on average three years, I think it is, to come to terms with it, therefore there is a lot of ups and downs in that phase between getting the diagnosis and accepting it. 

  • Hi, I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely. It sounds like you're feeling quite down at the moment and I know that it can take your head a while to adapt to the diagnosis. I'm sure that there is hope for you and that things will get better for you.

    Have you tried finding a local Autism group that you could attend? There's also a few UK only online facebook groups for adults with ASD, joining one might help you to link up with other autistic adults in your area? 

  • Maybe try an ASD support group as an initial way to 'get into the world'?

    You'll be interacting with people who'll be more understanding... walk before you run kind of thing?

    Or, interact with people who have a shared interest - I find it a lot easier to interact with people at my triathlon club as you can trot out a few stock questions - 

    • "How's the training going?"
    • "Have you got any races coming up?"
    • Are those new trainers/bike/etc.?"

    Makes it a lot simpler

  • Hey there Blackbird,

    you sound pretty down on yourself. Actually, most of us on this forum are going through some similar things, so hopefully you'll find consolation in that!

    It's interesting what you say about guilt and messing up and wanting to break out of your hole. Someone once said that you have to embrace your "failures" (personally I don't like that word) and allow yourself to hit rock bottom before you can move upwards and start to feel good again. Therefore, having hit your bottom, you can now let go of the guilt you have and the negative things you feel about yourself, so that you can move upwards.

    I've also had a diagnosis and I'm hoping it will help me in some way eventually...

    I don't know you but I very much doubt that you have amounted to very little, as you say. Everyone makes mistakes and has flaws  and no one is perfect. in the same way, everyone has strengths and unique qualities to them and everyone, including you, has something important to offer the world around us. It's great that you want to connect with people and no doubt you will do. It's not very easy to make friends with strangers. I sometimes feel I'd love to just chat to random people, but they normally don't want to talk because it's not the usual way of going about things.

    Personally, I think we call need community in some way or other. Communities can be painful because of how they treat us, but they can also provide stability and consistent friendship on whatever level. This is also true of families. You can find communities in many different ways, not least through interest-based groups. Loneliness is not good and we need to look after ourselves and try to ensure we have people around us. What I wrote in another post to someone on this forum was that it's important to find friends who you would like to be friends with and who are genuinely interested in you and will treat you well, not just anyone who comes along. Never mind about the eye contact, a lot of people don't like to make eye contact, but when you feel you can really trust someone and have got to know them, you'll find it easier.

    So I hope you won't think you'll be in the hole forever. Having got there, you can congratulate yourself because, if what someone once said is true, then it will be the first step to moving upwards and feeling much better!