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Onset of Loneliness since diagnosis.

Blackbird

Anybody else start to feel lonely for first time after diagnosis? Before my DX for autism and ADD I was OK with being alone, there are lot's of reasons why this is preferable but a major one is low self-esteem on account of a lifetime of screw-ups-and my inability to learn much from them. I am not absolving myself of guilt but now believe that given the state of my brain particularly the way it scrambles what I hear from people and what I understand about what is going on around me, it is not any kind of surprise at all that I should have amounted to so little.

All that being said, I am still just as screwed up and just as much hard work for others as before but as my new-found knowledge sinks in slowly,I feel less like a total waste of space and should really try to go out into the world a bit more and meet people-the trouble is that I have lived this way for so long I would not know where to start. Whenever I do try to chat to strangers, I only ever seem to get monosyllabic responses-if at all, it's almost as if I have the mark of Cain upon me ( I did write "Kane" originally-I've been having a lot of heretical and treasonous thoughts about Harry Kane  and his future at Spurs recently!)  The tension l experience with proximity to others probably shows itself in some way and I imagine they think I may be a psychopath struggling to control his killing urges. I have no small talk and I don't like looking people in the eye-or rather them looking me in the eye.

With all of that-plus a whole lot more I haven't even touched upon here I think you could forgive me for not holding out much hope of progress and I now feel officially "Lonely" for the first time ever and it sucks because there is nothing I can think of to break out of this hole. Despite knowing that I would still like to connect with people, hopefully some of those who know about the conditions and can be tolerant and understanding. Taking everything into account, I'd have to truly BE from another planet instead of just thinking that I do to seriously expect that anything like that could possibly happen.

Parents

  • If you believe you have amounted to so little, what would amounting to much, look like? What is it you want from other people or from connecting to them? And how long is it since you got your diagnosis? It takes on average three years, I think it is, to come to terms with it, therefore there is a lot of ups and downs in that phase between getting the diagnosis and accepting it. 

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  • If you believe you have amounted to so little, what would amounting to much, look like? What is it you want from other people or from connecting to them? And how long is it since you got your diagnosis? It takes on average three years, I think it is, to come to terms with it, therefore there is a lot of ups and downs in that phase between getting the diagnosis and accepting it. 

Children
  • in reply to BlueRay

    Sorry I have not got back sooner-been digging in the garden a lot and usually too zonked out to read my emails.

    Lot's of questions-I'll leave the first one until the end.

    What I want from people is to be understood and accepted, I also want honesty from them and as I have always been loyal to the people I have regarded as "friends" in the past I expect it in return-this is where I feel let down the most so trusting people is difficult and my defences-conscious or otherwise can not often distinguish between friend and foe. I'd like to be able to talk freely without the fear of being judged and rejected.

    I was diagnosed in January with Autism, the ADD came out during my assessment and I received a separate assessment for that in April ( of this year) I am not at all upset by this, on the contrary I see myself differently and in not quite as negative a light-but old ways of thinking take a lot of work to alter/erase. what I feel I am up against is that, irrespective of the diagnoses, I am still the same person who has always existed on the outside and by now-despite wishing things were not like this I would probably not know what to do with acceptance anyway.

    Fear not for me, this will pass and I am used to dealing with tough times/a big boy now do and at least have plenty to keep my hands busy-carpentry and my piano-and the garden of course.

    Now, to return to your first question, I have never once produced a single piece of work which did not show evidence of a lack of concentration or an omission of some sort due to my forgetfulness,the day when I can bypass the part of my brain which acts like a Snakes and Ladders board for constructive thoughts will be the day when I will have made the breakthrough I have craved my entire life. The ADD is at least equal in terms of destructiveness as the Autism and these are the spanners in my works.

    thanks for taking the time to write, my very best wishes to you.