• Replies 25 replies
  • Subscribers 86 subscribers
  • Views 7214 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Onset of Loneliness since diagnosis.

Blackbird

Anybody else start to feel lonely for first time after diagnosis? Before my DX for autism and ADD I was OK with being alone, there are lot's of reasons why this is preferable but a major one is low self-esteem on account of a lifetime of screw-ups-and my inability to learn much from them. I am not absolving myself of guilt but now believe that given the state of my brain particularly the way it scrambles what I hear from people and what I understand about what is going on around me, it is not any kind of surprise at all that I should have amounted to so little.

All that being said, I am still just as screwed up and just as much hard work for others as before but as my new-found knowledge sinks in slowly,I feel less like a total waste of space and should really try to go out into the world a bit more and meet people-the trouble is that I have lived this way for so long I would not know where to start. Whenever I do try to chat to strangers, I only ever seem to get monosyllabic responses-if at all, it's almost as if I have the mark of Cain upon me ( I did write "Kane" originally-I've been having a lot of heretical and treasonous thoughts about Harry Kane  and his future at Spurs recently!)  The tension l experience with proximity to others probably shows itself in some way and I imagine they think I may be a psychopath struggling to control his killing urges. I have no small talk and I don't like looking people in the eye-or rather them looking me in the eye.

With all of that-plus a whole lot more I haven't even touched upon here I think you could forgive me for not holding out much hope of progress and I now feel officially "Lonely" for the first time ever and it sucks because there is nothing I can think of to break out of this hole. Despite knowing that I would still like to connect with people, hopefully some of those who know about the conditions and can be tolerant and understanding. Taking everything into account, I'd have to truly BE from another planet instead of just thinking that I do to seriously expect that anything like that could possibly happen.

Parents

  • Be thankful you have a diagnosis, but having a diagnosis shouldn't change anything about you or who you are, it's more for the rest of the world to deal with.

    I've got a 'sort of maybe' half of a diagnosis from the NHS (Am I prepared to spend £££s to justify myself for the rest of the world? nope).

    It doesn't change that I accept that I prefer to be alone, and would rather pick and choose to spend time with other people on terms that allow me to be comfortable in 'social' situations.

    Be content in your own space, it's your life, your rules.

    Most 'normal' people just don't understand - but some do. I've got a small (can count on one hand) circle of people, who don't flake on me (I have a 3 flakes and your out rule), who respond positively to me reaching out for a coffee or a bite to eat.


  • in reply to Chewie

    I "choose" to be alone also but this is not the opposite to "choosing to engage" and becoming a part of social circles, the few people I know well enough to talk to would almost certainly not "choose" to have me any further into their lives than I already am. This is all so deeply frustrating, on here I can express myself quite well and probably appear to be someone who would be quite articulate in actual direct conversation but it simply is not the case, When I meet people in the street I become nervous, tongue-tied, extremely self-conscious. What I say comes across a series of "statements", not free-flowing chat and I always seem to mishear-or simply not hear all that is said to me. This can be amusing but most of the time I just look stupid. If I speak without some sort of mental preparation I tend to say all the wrong things-or nothing which makes any kind of sense to others) All this plus whatever they see in me which they do not like makes me a person best kept at a distance-it has always been this way so the only alternative to isolation is to keep trying (vainly) to find a way through all of the obstacles which are piled up all around me blocking my way whichever path I take.No thanks, not any more, been there...etc

    I can't see any prospect of advancement socially in the (newly-identified-for me..) NT world so I have been in touch with the local ASD/ADHD team who have promised to get back to me with some info re:Adult Autism groups in Surrey, I may end up travelling a lot but if I can make significant contact it will be worth it.

    Thanks for your reply, I wish you well.

  • in reply to Blackbird

    i choose to engage with people who i know will engage back, kinda figured out the hard way what brush offs are, as i don't naturally pick up on the subtle signs people give off.

    I tend to live by a 3 flake rule now, like if people flake out on me 3 times in a row, I'll move on. it's a formula that works for the way my mind works, rather than seeing myself as an eager to please puppy (it's the only way i can describe how I can be).

Reply
  • in reply to Blackbird

    i choose to engage with people who i know will engage back, kinda figured out the hard way what brush offs are, as i don't naturally pick up on the subtle signs people give off.

    I tend to live by a 3 flake rule now, like if people flake out on me 3 times in a row, I'll move on. it's a formula that works for the way my mind works, rather than seeing myself as an eager to please puppy (it's the only way i can describe how I can be).

Children
  • in reply to Chewie

    Hi Chewie,

    I see many similarities between us-particularly with regard to self-motivation, with me it is part laziness, I suppose but what stops me from doing most things is the almost certain knowledge that I will screw it up somehow, even if others see nothing wrong with what I have done, I will be aware of every single flaw, however tiny or insignificant. i am the perfectionist doomed never to attain it.

    The "3 flake rule" would never work for me ( If that rule ever got applied to me,I would be in my own Gulag in the most isolated and forbidding bit of Tundra in Siberia! )however as being all too aware of my own faults, I have to accept that others have their faults too. If we let others down or mess things up for them somehow, it is not necessarily an act of malice, we are human, we all make mistakes but basically most of us are driven to do the right thing and do try.

    I have been forgiven often for things I have done, it is only fair that I follow that example, I had a v.nasty jehovah's witless upbringing and now have no time for anybody's imaginary friends but the one thing I considered to be of true value was "Treat others as you would yourself.."-or words to that effect. We all screw up, we all need a break sometimes and expressing kindness and forgiveness is often quite the opposite of the weakness it can be mistaken for..