Onset of Loneliness since diagnosis.

Be thankful you have a diagnosis, but having a diagnosis shouldn't change anything about you or who you are, it's more for the rest of the world to deal with.

I've got a 'sort of maybe' half of a diagnosis from the NHS (Am I prepared to spend £££s to justify myself for the rest of the world? nope).

It doesn't change that I accept that I prefer to be alone, and would rather pick and choose to spend time with other people on terms that allow me to be comfortable in 'social' situations.

Be content in your own space, it's your life, your rules.

Most 'normal' people just don't understand - but some do. I've got a small (can count on one hand) circle of people, who don't flake on me (I have a 3 flakes and your out rule), who respond positively to me reaching out for a coffee or a bite to eat.

I "choose" to be alone also but this is not the opposite to "choosing to engage" and becoming a part of social circles, the few people I know well enough to talk to would almost certainly not "choose" to have me any further into their lives than I already am. This is all so deeply frustrating, on here I can express myself quite well and probably appear to be someone who would be quite articulate in actual direct conversation but it simply is not the case, When I meet people in the street I become nervous, tongue-tied, extremely self-conscious. What I say comes across a series of "statements", not free-flowing chat and I always seem to mishear-or simply not hear all that is said to me. This can be amusing but most of the time I just look stupid. If I speak without some sort of mental preparation I tend to say all the wrong things-or nothing which makes any kind of sense to others) All this plus whatever they see in me which they do not like makes me a person best kept at a distance-it has always been this way so the only alternative to isolation is to keep trying (vainly) to find a way through all of the obstacles which are piled up all around me blocking my way whichever path I take.No thanks, not any more, been there...etc

I can't see any prospect of advancement socially in the (newly-identified-for me..) NT world so I have been in touch with the local ASD/ADHD team who have promised to get back to me with some info re:Adult Autism groups in Surrey, I may end up travelling a lot but if I can make significant contact it will be worth it.

Thanks for your reply, I wish you well.

I "choose" to be alone also but this is not the opposite to "choosing to engage" and becoming a part of social circles, the few people I know well enough to talk to would almost certainly not "choose" to have me any further into their lives than I already am. This is all so deeply frustrating, on here I can express myself quite well and probably appear to be someone who would be quite articulate in actual direct conversation but it simply is not the case, When I meet people in the street I become nervous, tongue-tied, extremely self-conscious. What I say comes across a series of "statements", not free-flowing chat and I always seem to mishear-or simply not hear all that is said to me. This can be amusing but most of the time I just look stupid. If I speak without some sort of mental preparation I tend to say all the wrong things-or nothing which makes any kind of sense to others) All this plus whatever they see in me which they do not like makes me a person best kept at a distance-it has always been this way so the only alternative to isolation is to keep trying (vainly) to find a way through all of the obstacles which are piled up all around me blocking my way whichever path I take.No thanks, not any more, been there...etc

I can't see any prospect of advancement socially in the (newly-identified-for me..) NT world so I have been in touch with the local ASD/ADHD team who have promised to get back to me with some info re:Adult Autism groups in Surrey, I may end up travelling a lot but if I can make significant contact it will be worth it.

Thanks for your reply, I wish you well.

I hate the word "victim". I do not see from re-reading my original post quite what you saw to give you that impression.

In all of my posts I have never ducked my own responsibility for my life and the choices I have made, In the short time since my diagnoses I have only ever pursued the truth with regard to the true extent of the influences the Autism and ADD have had on my life. It turns out that my view of myself formed over 60 years has been entirely wrong and so for the remaining time I have, i want to get out of my shell and be more involved with the world around me and the people in it-this strikes me as an aspiration of someone who wants to explore new things,places knowledge not someone who would prefer to dwell on the past and revel in their "victimhood", or cling to it like a comfort blanket.       I thought I had made that quite clear.

Also, i am not sitting around passively waiting to be chosen by anyone, this is true for more than one reason the principal one being that I do not know ANYONE, I am not in a single social group, I never have visitors, I only ever visit my former wife-and then usually only when my adult daughters are present. I perhaps know a dozen people with whom  "Hello, how are you'?" can be exchanged and that is it.

What I was saying was that when I felt I was an Alien stranded on a problematic planet, I could cope with being alone as I had zero expectations for a social life never having got on well enough with anyone for long enough to develop one.Since my diagnoses though I see I am not the only one who is affected in these ways and so the unexpected desire to go out, armed with a slightly less caustic self-image, feeling less like a heap of putrid crap than normal and.....meet people. I still want this but I just do not know how to go about it-I never have, 

I am doing everything I can to build a better life for myself with the aid of this new-found self-knowledge (and the Med's for my ADD) I feel I am in a potentially winning situation and that there is a whole new world just a fingertip out of reach,I want to enjoy it, to "fill my shape" to engage with others and experience more of life out in the sunshine, I said that I did not know how but this desire for company is surprising and uncomfortable, I don't want to bury it like I do for so many other things and let it fester away inside, I want to make a breakthrough and get some real friends. I don't feel like a "victim", I am a damaged electro-mechanical device which came with no instructions but some of the lettering on my various dials has suddenly become legible and a few of the lights are now working-new-found hope and I want more of it! 

Have contacted the Guildford group -following info given to me by the Epsom ASD/ADHD team and hope that what could be a great adventure will begin-I still have panic attacks and lose the ability to breathe when I am the object of attention so it will be a long haul with no guarantee of success but I want it and this does not strike me a the attitude which could be expected of a "victim".

Hi Chewie,

I see many similarities between us-particularly with regard to self-motivation, with me it is part laziness, I suppose but what stops me from doing most things is the almost certain knowledge that I will screw it up somehow, even if others see nothing wrong with what I have done, I will be aware of every single flaw, however tiny or insignificant. i am the perfectionist doomed never to attain it.

The "3 flake rule" would never work for me ( If that rule ever got applied to me,I would be in my own Gulag in the most isolated and forbidding bit of Tundra in Siberia! )however as being all too aware of my own faults, I have to accept that others have their faults too. If we let others down or mess things up for them somehow, it is not necessarily an act of malice, we are human, we all make mistakes but basically most of us are driven to do the right thing and do try.

I have been forgiven often for things I have done, it is only fair that I follow that example, I had a v.nasty jehovah's witless upbringing and now have no time for anybody's imaginary friends but the one thing I considered to be of true value was "Treat others as you would yourself.."-or words to that effect. We all screw up, we all need a break sometimes and expressing kindness and forgiveness is often quite the opposite of the weakness it can be mistaken for..

What Karla sai

Hi Blackbird,

I hope you have a good day today.

I'm just wondering a few things having read this. Firstly, I sounds as though you're viewing yourself as the victim of the situation. That is not to say that you're not, on some levels, but what it does it put us into a passive position of being the one waiting to be chosen by others in order to make friends.

I only recently got diagnosed, even though people had been hinting to me for years that I was on the spectrum, but before this, and before it had even crossed my mind that I might be autistic, I made friends with quite a lot of people on the spectrum. I try to be open-minded and I was just looking for people to connect with. Frankly, I wasn't bothered whether or not they were on the spectrum at all. I'm saying this because there will be other people out there who are open minded and who will connect with you and want to be friends with you.

I personally think that when we assume negative outcomes, we somehow give off rejection vibes and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. If you can come round to seeing yourself as the subject of your life, able to make choices about which people to allow into your close friendship circles, and which not, this will make you feel much better.

I really need this advice myself and I admit that I've not been too good at it!

I recently connected with someone who, like me had just recently been diagnosed, and we had some deep conversation but then he bolted and shut me off! I think it can be complicated for heterosexual people with male/female friendships, but to be honest, I did feel quite hurt nonetheless. That said, misunderstandings can also occur. NT's always say that autistic people have trouble communicating, and people have been saying I need to work at this for years also.

Anyway, I'd just say, don't give up on forming friendships. I'm sure you will do, and remember it is also about who you want in your life and which people to be close with.

Bye for now!

i choose to engage with people who i know will engage back, kinda figured out the hard way what brush offs are, as i don't naturally pick up on the subtle signs people give off.

I tend to live by a 3 flake rule now, like if people flake out on me 3 times in a row, I'll move on. it's a formula that works for the way my mind works, rather than seeing myself as an eager to please puppy (it's the only way i can describe how I can be).