Onset of Loneliness since diagnosis.

If you believe you have amounted to so little, what would amounting to much, look like? What is it you want from other people or from connecting to them? And how long is it since you got your diagnosis? It takes on average three years, I think it is, to come to terms with it, therefore there is a lot of ups and downs in that phase between getting the diagnosis and accepting it. 

Sorry I have not got back sooner-been digging in the garden a lot and usually too zonked out to read my emails.

Lot's of questions-I'll leave the first one until the end.

What I want from people is to be understood and accepted, I also want honesty from them and as I have always been loyal to the people I have regarded as "friends" in the past I expect it in return-this is where I feel let down the most so trusting people is difficult and my defences-conscious or otherwise can not often distinguish between friend and foe. I'd like to be able to talk freely without the fear of being judged and rejected.

I was diagnosed in January with Autism, the ADD came out during my assessment and I received a separate assessment for that in April ( of this year) I am not at all upset by this, on the contrary I see myself differently and in not quite as negative a light-but old ways of thinking take a lot of work to alter/erase. what I feel I am up against is that, irrespective of the diagnoses, I am still the same person who has always existed on the outside and by now-despite wishing things were not like this I would probably not know what to do with acceptance anyway.

Fear not for me, this will pass and I am used to dealing with tough times/a big boy now do and at least have plenty to keep my hands busy-carpentry and my piano-and the garden of course.

Now, to return to your first question, I have never once produced a single piece of work which did not show evidence of a lack of concentration or an omission of some sort due to my forgetfulness,the day when I can bypass the part of my brain which acts like a Snakes and Ladders board for constructive thoughts will be the day when I will have made the breakthrough I have craved my entire life. The ADD is at least equal in terms of destructiveness as the Autism and these are the spanners in my works.

thanks for taking the time to write, my very best wishes to you.

Sorry I have not got back sooner-been digging in the garden a lot and usually too zonked out to read my emails.

Lot's of questions-I'll leave the first one until the end.

What I want from people is to be understood and accepted, I also want honesty from them and as I have always been loyal to the people I have regarded as "friends" in the past I expect it in return-this is where I feel let down the most so trusting people is difficult and my defences-conscious or otherwise can not often distinguish between friend and foe. I'd like to be able to talk freely without the fear of being judged and rejected.

I was diagnosed in January with Autism, the ADD came out during my assessment and I received a separate assessment for that in April ( of this year) I am not at all upset by this, on the contrary I see myself differently and in not quite as negative a light-but old ways of thinking take a lot of work to alter/erase. what I feel I am up against is that, irrespective of the diagnoses, I am still the same person who has always existed on the outside and by now-despite wishing things were not like this I would probably not know what to do with acceptance anyway.

Fear not for me, this will pass and I am used to dealing with tough times/a big boy now do and at least have plenty to keep my hands busy-carpentry and my piano-and the garden of course.

Now, to return to your first question, I have never once produced a single piece of work which did not show evidence of a lack of concentration or an omission of some sort due to my forgetfulness,the day when I can bypass the part of my brain which acts like a Snakes and Ladders board for constructive thoughts will be the day when I will have made the breakthrough I have craved my entire life. The ADD is at least equal in terms of destructiveness as the Autism and these are the spanners in my works.

thanks for taking the time to write, my very best wishes to you.

Do you think it's even possible for people to understand and accept you and not just you but any of us, how is it even possible for one person to understand another? In what sense? For example, if you said to somebody 2 plus 2 equals 4, are you saying that if you say that to somebody they don't understand? What is it exactly what you want them to understand and accept and why? I think the more important question would be why do you want them to understand and accept you? 

The part about honesty is a bit tyrannical - just because you are always loyal and I presume honest, why are you putting that quality on others? Why do you seek to control others? That might be part of your autism. We like to be in control but once we realise that, we can see that it's unreasonable to expect others to behave in a way that we wan them to behave and that it is more harmonious for us to accept them as they are. You can still be you, an honest and loyal person regardless of whether others are or not and in fact, you will have more influence over them if you simply stick to being who you are and leave them to be themselves. You will always feel let down if you expect people to behave in a certain way because people aren't like that, they're not robots and sometimes people don't act in ways that we want them to so if we accept that, we will never be disappointed. 

As for trusting people, that also is a foolish thing as again, we can't control people so it is better to simply put our trust in the things we can control, which is ourselves. I don't think it is even possible for us to not be judged by others, that is simply the way that we make sense of the world, it's what we do but if you don't put your trust in people, they can never reject you.

If you think you are the same person now, as you was before the diagnosis, what was the point of the diagnosis? I would say if it makes no difference then don't give it any attention, just carry on as you were before? The diagnosis is a way for you to understand yourself better and begin to make different choices etc based on the new awareness but if you're saying it hasn't given you any, then why not just forget about it?

You have truly beautiful gifts, you can do carpentry, play the piano and garden - with precious gifts like those, I too would be unmotivated to change anything about myself. You have been blessed with abundance and a rich life. Yes, like you say, we all have what we might call 'tough times' although they are simply the acts of nature, balancing itself out, as it does. Read Emerson's essay on compensation, it explains the nature of nature beautifully and why we have tough times. They are simply the result of nature balancing itself for our greatest good.

In that last sentence, it sounds like you're talking about ADHD. I am slowly coming into finding ways around making that gift work better for me. I only recently found out I had ADHD and as I've been working on the autism for the past couple of years, i''m not quite ready to start working with the ADHD just yet but I did try ritalin and it was amazing so i'm waiting for a prescription for that, but in the meantime, I'm slowly working to get my daily yoga and meditation routine back up and running and that will decrease the need for medication but until it is back up and running, I will very gratefully take the medication because for the first time in my life, when I took one of those little tablets, I was able to get on with what I wanted to do, with no anxiety, in perfect ease so I was able to actually finish what I started! It was amazing, i loved it :) so you might want to consider giving meds a try.

I got my diagnosis in October 2017 and I have only recently, in the last couple of weeks, come to a full acceptance of it and the time from the diagnosis until now, has been the biggest roller coaster journey of my life, which I was so not expecting. It took me to the depths of sheer loneliness, despair and anguish, to the point I thought I was going to physically die, the pain of the emotions was so great but on the other hand, I have had realization after realization that have felt like I was writhing in ecstasy and they keep on coming. I have had several times when I have thought, this is it, I accept it now, only to be plunged back down into the depths of despair. It's been very up and down but I have finally accepted it and I know that, because my life has now slowly started to move forward. I have been working intensely, every week, with my autism worker for about 18 months now, as well as support from the psychiatrist who diagnosed me, my work coach at the job centre, two well-being workers and another work type coach at Reed. So I have a lot of support but I also put a lot of effort in myself. If they give me an inch, I give them a mile, because that's how I life my life, I go to give, but I have also learned to receive as well and the support has been tremendous. I also joined a couple of local autism groups, which have proved priceless and of course, coming on this site has also been a tremendous help. Sharing how I feel/think or whatever, on here, really helps me to understand myself better as does reading other people's experiences, because of course, we are not always aware of ourselves but we can spot ourselves in others and then begin to make the relevant changes, to start laying the foundations for new habits, new routines, new ways of being, that serve and nourish us as opposed to being in survival mode. But the diagnosis was life changing for me, literally, in so many ways, it was a big thing. it answered the questions I had been asking all my life, so for me, it completed my life, it completed me. All I ever wanted in life was to know who I was and where I came from and what I was doing here and the diagnosis gave me answers to all those questions, so for me, it completed my life, but it took almost two years to get to this point, there was a lot of ups and downs I had to go through before I got to this place of completion and a lot of searching etc before that, all my life in fact, all my life I have been working towards this moment, searching for the answers, so I guess a diagnosis is different for all of us. If you think it doesn't change anything then maybe it doesn't. For me, it gave me the answers to my life long questions, which would be a big deal for anybody but if you haven't got such deep questions then I can see how it might not make such an impact.

Anyway, it's a while since you wrote this and from glancing at some of the comments, it seems you might not have been feeling so great at the time of writing, I trust that has changed and you're feeling much better now. You'll get a lot of support on this web site, you're doing the right thing by reaching out. Best wishes, my desire is to see all autistic people living their lives according to them in peace, joy and happiness X