Hi all,
I found out I was an Aspie last month after a range of previous diagnoses over the years and I've been trying to get to grips with where to go from here. I'm nearly 31, doing my second degree in psychology after my first in zoology many moons ago went far from to plan, and I just left another job after 2 years as I couldn't cope.
So far, my uni has been amazing for support, but I'm coming up against some really uncomfortable things. I was hoping for some advice relating to a recent incident with a counsellor. I apologise for the length of this, but I have tried to be succinct.
I was recommended to visit the uni counselling team to help me process things and I went to the first meeting full of hope and armed with a list of what I am struggling to process. The list was so I didn't forget and get side tracked as I often do.
The counsellor told me to put the list to one side and it all went a bit wrong. I tried to get across that I've been going through a range of emotions and she told me that I was obviously still angry whilst to me I was relaying what had happened. I won't say that the fact my GP accused me of manipulating him as my file said I had BPD and I couldn't possibly be HFA didn't bother me. Nor will I say that receiving that 'diagnosis' from a psychiatrist that hadn't ever met me and then twisted my words from that meeting in a report he produced four months afterwards didn't sting. But we move on, and rubbish things happen.
Anyway, the counsellor jumped all over the BPD thing and kept asking why I thought it was so wrong and why that should make me annoyed. See above. Plus when initially told that I wasn't angry with the psych- I blindly accepted what I was told and it wasn't until looking into it that I could see just how wrong it was. The counsellor kept saying that everything could be explained by a personality disorder and that I was seeking a label. She then started to ask why a label was so important to me and why I actually needed it. I told her I didn't need a label, I just wanted to know why things have always been 'Off' and why I seemingly gave constant crying meltdowns and can't do seemingly simple things like converse. She said there was more support for BPD and that there was nothing that could be done for me.
This kept on. She said that if you pay for something then you will be told what you want to hear in regards to the fact that I went to a private psychiatrist. My grandmother paid for it all as I ended up leaving my last job as I was struggling to speak, regularly getting in a tizz and I was once again scared witless. This psych was lovely and we had some great chats about scientific principles and research. I had checked out his credentials and scoured forums and was comfortable he was not a charlatan. Plus he was recommended by someone I trust.
The other thing about all of this is that she latched on to what I said about my father blaming my mum for how I am because she has some strange ways of doing things and kicked me out at 16. I know my childhood wasn't perfect and some rubbish happened but I was mostly oblivious at the time and mostly happy. I have come to terms about those things and I have forgiven. It took a long time but I've been comfortable in my own skin about it for over 5 years now.
Furthermore, she said that I had no self-worth, identity or self-esteem. I'm not even sure where to start with that one!
Talking about things I have laid to rest and telling me that I am seeking a label has just left me more confused than I was at the start. I'm finding myself in a situation where I feel that I have to justify myself and I can see all of the contradictions that brings- if I challenge the counsellor for example am I actually proving her right in some way? I don't even know.
She has asked me to come back for more sessions and I don't know what to do. Do I tell someone at the university? I felt so uncomfortable and not listened to. I didn't even get to speak about what was bothering me as she took away my list. My instinctive reaction is to never contact again, ignore it all and hope I don't get called up on it...
What do I do from here? Has anyone else ever come up against something similar? Is it normal to have doubts because of other's views?
Thank you
