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Advice sought re: run-in with a counsellor following recent diagnosis

Tarsius Dentatus

Hi all,

I found out I was an Aspie last month after a range of previous diagnoses over the years and I've been trying to get to grips with where to go from here. I'm nearly 31, doing my second degree in psychology after my first in zoology many moons ago went far from to plan, and I just left another job after 2 years as I couldn't cope.

So far, my uni has been amazing for support, but I'm coming up against some really uncomfortable things. I was hoping for some advice relating to a recent incident with a counsellor. I apologise for the length of this, but I have tried to be succinct.

I was recommended to visit the uni counselling team to help me process things and I went to the first meeting full of hope and armed with a list of what I am struggling to process. The list was so I didn't forget and get side tracked as I often do.

The counsellor told me to put the list to one side and it all went a bit wrong. I tried to get across that I've been going through a range of emotions and she told me that I was obviously still angry whilst to me I was relaying what had happened. I won't say that the fact my GP accused me of manipulating him as my file said I had BPD and I couldn't possibly be HFA didn't bother me. Nor will I say that receiving that 'diagnosis' from a psychiatrist that hadn't ever met me and then twisted my words from that meeting in a report he produced four months afterwards didn't sting. But we move on, and rubbish things happen.

Anyway, the counsellor jumped all over the BPD thing and kept asking why I thought it was so wrong and why that should make me annoyed. See above. Plus when initially told that I wasn't angry with the psych- I blindly accepted what I was told and it wasn't until looking into it that I could see just how wrong it was. The counsellor kept saying that everything could be explained by a personality disorder and that I was seeking a label. She then started to ask why a label was so important to me and why I actually needed it. I told her I didn't need a label, I just wanted to know why things have always been 'Off' and why I seemingly gave constant crying meltdowns and can't do seemingly simple things like converse. She said there was more support for BPD and that there was nothing that could be done for me.

This kept on. She said that if you pay for something then you will be told what you want to hear in regards to the fact that I went to a private psychiatrist. My grandmother paid for it all as I ended up leaving my last job as I was struggling to speak, regularly getting in a tizz and I was once again scared witless. This psych was lovely and we had some great chats about scientific principles and research. I had checked out his credentials and scoured forums and was comfortable he was not a charlatan. Plus he was recommended by someone I trust.

The other thing about all of this is that she latched on to what I said about my father blaming my mum for how I am because she has some strange ways of doing things and kicked me out at 16. I know my childhood wasn't perfect and some rubbish happened but I was mostly oblivious at the time and mostly happy. I have come to terms about those things and I have forgiven. It took a long time but I've been comfortable in my own skin about it for over 5 years now.

Furthermore, she said that I had no self-worth, identity or self-esteem. I'm not even sure where to start with that one!

Talking about things I have laid to rest and telling me that I am seeking a label has just left me more confused than I was at the start. I'm finding myself in a situation where I feel that I have to justify myself and I can see all of the contradictions that brings- if I challenge the counsellor for example am I actually proving her right in some way? I don't even know.

She has asked me to come back for more sessions and I don't know what to do. Do I tell someone at the university? I felt so uncomfortable and not listened to. I didn't even get to speak about what was bothering me as she took away my list. My instinctive reaction is to never contact again, ignore it all and hope I don't get called up on it...

What do I do from here? Has anyone else ever come up against something similar? Is it normal to have doubts because of other's views?

Thank you

  • Firstly, congrats on pursing your interests and doing a second degree in something you are interested in! 

    It might be possible to write to the university about what had happened during your session and how you felt about it. If you do want to inform them, try to write it in a clear way that they (neurotypicals) can understand. You might be able to find out more, what her intentions and long-term goals for counselling is, and you may also ask to change to a more suitable counsellor. I think it would be helpful to discuss the issue with the counselling service. Universities also have student unions that deal with wellbeing, and it might be useful to send them an email to ask for advice (as people in the past might have had similar experiences). 

    Finally, I really would like to bookmark this page: https://community.autism.org.uk/f/health-and-wellbeing/13494/that-s-the-kind-of-cbt-for-me 
    It's a very helpful summary of how autism counselling differs from regular counselling. Perhaps your counsellor didn't have that much experience with autism and applied regular counselling strategies. 


  • Also i do not understand how she can ask why you want a label when (1) you already have a (wrong) one and (2) she is giving you more! I would say that you want the correct label because it can lead to the correct support. Saying that you can get more support for bpd than asd so you should stick with that is rather like saying 'i wouldnt be deaf if i was you, you can get more support for blindness! Ok im exaggerating a bit but you get the point. Well you already got it anyway!

  • Based on experience i had with an NHS counsellor i would definately say that you should not continue with this one. It does not sound like she knows much about ASD. I stuck it through 6 sessions and i so wish i hadnt because she was actually making things worse, not better.

    My counsellor too was someone that did not seem able to adapt to me at all. I sometimes struggle with verbal communication yet she would not let me write things down. She also accused me repeatedly of not being open with her when i said ' i dont know' in answer to 'how do you feel' No, i just genuinely didn't know, a massive problem for me and something i needed help with, not to be told off about!

    I would suggest explaining to the counselling service that you dont feel that you can work with this counsellor, would it be possible to see someone else. They should arrange that. Counselling is only any good if you trust the person you are working with. You should probably pass on what youve written here too for the sake of other students if you feel able to, but they ought to arrange a different counsellor if you ask anyway. Ask if they have someone trained to work with people with ASD. Thats what you need. Im currently working with someone thats is ASD trained, and it is the only time I've ever found counselling useful. She is fab! It might be fine with someone not ASD trained too of course if they are prepared to learn and listen to you... as good counsellors should.

  • This counsellor seems to have made a lot of statements and observations for a first session, favouring GP and psychiatrist notes over what the person themselves was bringing to the session plus bringing on some unwarranted opinions too (esp. regarding being told what you wanted to hear because you paid for a service).  To my mind this completely ignores basic counselling training about attentive listening and building a therapeutic relationship.  From what you've said this feels unethical and possibly damaging - pronouncements about self worth at a ridiculously early stage and putting you on the back foot in making you feel you have to justify yourself.

    Did she at least outline her counselling approach for you, or give you an idea of what to expect from the counselling service?  What is her background and training?  Does it include anything about autism or neurodiversity?  So many questions.  I'm thinking that she should be on the back foot and it might be safer for you to walk away.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    I have had similar experiences to you - misdiagnosed BP then BPD, my PDOC at the time was adamant I wasn't autistic but I pursued a diagnosis and am. I've now had BP and BPD removed from my file but am pregnant and keep getting asked about being referred to MH groups, which is driving me insane as I've been stable since my diagnosis but certain medical professionals seem unwilling to listen.

    I work in a uni and am on the same corridor as the counsellors, most of them are on zero hours contracts. There's a few that are brilliant at there job but many are terrible and it's clear to see why they are struggling to find more stable employment. My advice is to complain. If you don't the uni won't be aware of how you feel and if a number of students raise the same issues this will help their management understand what their training needs are.

    Have you applied for DSA as that would pay for specialist support? If you haven't already I'd apply for PIP as this financial assistance could be used to find a private counsellor who better meets your needs.