Not sure

I'm 48 year old woman and think I may have aspergers. Looking back I realise that I have learnt  a lot of things that other people know how to do intuitively.

I learnt how to have friends. I have a mental checklist of things I should do with friends. Ask how they are, how their weekend was, how family is. 

When I find myself in a new situation, i think what's would so and so say or do.

I mimic all the time. I feel that with friends I give what I get. Ie i have a friend says outrageous things to me so I say outrageous things back. I act differently with different friends. I don't like to mix my different friends I find it very stressful. 

I have a son and I find it very difficult to, 'parent', I copy other parents. I know I love him very much. (He is mid teens and people always say he's a credit to me).

I don't enjoy social situations much. I don't enjoy pubs or clubs. When I was a lot younger I just got very drunk to get through. I force myself to do things

I don't have a partner and the relationships I have had have been difficult. I was engaged for several years and he was verbally abusive and financially controlling. I do not have a relationship with my son's father. I don't know what to do or how to act in a relationship.

Even with family and extended family I always feel I'm on the outside looking in. I always feel that I am an obligation.

I find it very difficult to express verbally how I feel and at times I retreat into myself and keep everything in. 

I am obsessive about locking doors and unplugging things. I have part's of my scalp that I pick at, its a compulsion and has been since I was a teenager. I don't feel like I control the picking it's something I have to do. 

I also have a chronic health condition. I work and have two jobs. I have learned to join in and I can appear to be calm when below the surface im panicking. 

As I get older I find it harder and harder to read numbers, I transpose figures all the time (I work with numbers)

It's taken me 2 years to join a forum. I've completed an online test many times. 

Do I go to a GP . I have not told anyone how I feel. A friend made reference to my brain nor working that way other people do. 

  • The compulsion and locking could be OCD. The gp can refer you to cbt therapy. No harm in asking gp for advice but autism diagnosis isnt available in all areas. In our area I have to pay :(

  • I feel empathy for what you've written.

    It sounds to me like you're on the spectrum.

    I also have generally not enjoyed social situations.

    I also find it hard to express how I feel verbally.

    Agree with thinking what would someone else do in a situation, feeling like I'm acting, not having confidence in my own understanding of social situations.

    I had a girlfriend with a 10 year old daughter last year, I found it very difficult being a stepfather. Especially in public when people would notice me more than if I was alone, I felt pressure to act like a father, when I am in a way immature and and feel inside like I'm still a teenager.

    If you try to get a diagnosis sometimes it takes a while through the NHS route, it's easier going private if you have the money. I personally think you would get a diagnosis either way, as what you've written is very clear.