Various descriptions of ASD suggest people with autism are not capable of envy or jealousy, or understanding this response. Having not fitted in and made many shameful mistakes socially (and publicly), I now try to avoid people. Ive become jealous and bitter towards new people, and people from my past, They remind me of my shortcomings. Starting a new job recently (open plan office, group bonding exercises etc) there are young confident people ( I know that this is not a bad thing to be, young and confident..) and I feel like I am talked to like a child. I’m not confidently taking responsibility and generally come across as a mature ‘waster’. I have some handle on how I present myself but I feel very resentful, jealous, and ashamed. This is nothing new. I acknowledge this can only ‘eat you up on the inside’. It would be helpful to hear from anyone that has experienced this and have found ways to manage feelings of inadequacy? Something positive?
these feelings, insecurity and jealousy, are so bad that I can’t visit my family in the town I grew up in as I’m scared I will meet people from my past, who have moved on in life(kids, partner security).
I do identify with some traits of avoidant personality disorder but I believe this is a result of (indirect) bullying from a young age and just not fitting in.
(Edited in an attempt to fix the grammar)
It's for many of the reasons you have stated that I've decided to go back to an old employer who I left in June last year. The main reason is to work from home again - I highly recommend it if it's possible in your field of work. I won't bore you with the full details but the next employer went into liquidation and I was made redundant on the spot meaning I needed to find a new job (where I currently am). Huge changes and both office based and very social. It's had such a negative impact on my life that I've made a conscious decision to start living within my comfort zone and within my limitations for a change. I've always threw myself into situations I find stressful to 'better' myself because that's what we're told to do with our careers. No more. I'm living my life for me now, without apology.
Why is pushing yourself outside your comfort zone in a work situation considered a good thing anyway?
We are who we are, and when you throw yourself outside of your comfort zone everyday just to simply 'fit in', we shouldn't have to do it in our work to 'excel'.
Far from it for me to tell you how to live your life but since I've made the decision to go back to my old employer (8 weeks and counting!) it feels like I can see the light for a first time in a very long time, the cloud is finally starting to lift. Maybe find what and where your comfort zone is and happily live within it?
It does seem to the expectation that everyone should be 'challenging themselves' or working on their weaknesses. Thanks, I do need to find my comfort zone, everything so far has been uncomfortable or unsustainable.