Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I am new to this- to be frank, I searched google for Autistic forums. I have recently been diagnosed with Asperger's. I am in my late twenties. I am a mom , and a girlfriend.When I found out I had Asperger's I wasn't so much in shock at first - as I thought there was a possibility given the way I am (although if you tell people you're autistic they automatically think they're a professional and tell you you're not). When I got my diagnosis - I had just starting seeing someone. Amazing guy- made me feel special and beautiful- we got along straight away - the only man I have ever felt combatable around. I was with him when I found out I had Asperger's (still with him today). He is very supportive of me- specially social situations. When we first met we got into an argument and he brought me flowers- he was annoyed because I had not shown any emotion when he gave them to me (not because I was mad but to be quite honest - I have no flipping clue! inside I was dancing- inside I was sooo happy- no guys done this before- he must really like me to go out his way and get me these- ahhhh :)) that's how I felt inside but the outside showed dead emotion. This happens a lot - sometimes with family and friends , but with my boyfriend? I don't like this.I don't like the feeling of someone I love most in this world to think I'm heartless. He told me something today, something important to him, something that's a big deal (to do with his work).....When he spoke... a lot of thoughts went through my head. Does he want this? How does he feel? Is this new work going to be stressful on him? Maybe he will like it? Maybe he will love it! Maybe he will hate it! This is a big change. A change of routine. A change of workers, work load and I cant even begin to think what else- I think I only feel 5% of what he feels. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle- to try and show him I was there for him- we're in this together! (I don't know if this is an autistic thing but, I feel my hugs show my emotion - guess it don't to others)Anyway, I said to him.... you wanted a change, maybe this is it? I don't know how I feel- you have to do it! Out of all the things on my mind I said … I don't know- its you that has to do it!This has annoyed him...ALOT! I didn't even realise I had done anything wrongI didn't show him much communication- seeing as this is a big thing I should have done and said more.But.... I know this...this is how I felt....its just.not how it came out. Am I heartless? Is it really just me and not my Asperger's?Being told you suck at communication is upsetting enough but to hear it from my boyfriend...who I love so much. I care about every tiny hair on his head! he thinks I don't care!I feel useless, heartless, a *** , a bad girlfriend.... but that was never my intention... I never meant to make him feel like I don't care.Now all that's going through my mind is - is it me ? is it the Asperger's? I must just be evil - but it hurts...my heart hurts. It hurts that he cant feel my emotions - he would be very surprised at how much I do care. I am bothered , I do want to listen , I do want to help and give my advice but when a conversation comes up...…. I do it wrong! I fail as a girlfriend!either way- I feel like complete crap- it brings all my emotions up. When something upsets or annoys me- I get sad. I get sad because I know its my fault. I get sad because I don't realise I'm doing it. I wish I was someone different.
There is no such thing as "heartless" and the fact that you are on here expressing emotions in a perfectly normal fashion about situations many, many millions of couples have found themselves in over the millennia is proof of that.
How do you think your boyfriend would respond to reading your post? Does that idea scare you? I am far from knowledgeable about relationships only ever having been in one of any significance which ended years ago but I did learn this, your partner has to know you as well as is humanly possible as you have to know them, sometimes a single fact about our lives is enough to change our partner's whole perception of us and vice versa so we have to find the means to impart as much detail about ourselves as we can and the more we are safely able to do this, the more relaxed and comfortable we will be within and also become even more agreeable partners.
There is always the risk that it will backfire on us and that the relationship might be ended. The pain of this should be weighed against the knowledge that in the long term, things would probably have fallen apart anyway because we had not been with the person whose love for us was complete, without reservation for who we truly are, wart's and all.
So,perfect for you in so many ways this exciting new guy of yours does sound, if he is unable ( and this is not necessarily a fault or failing of his, we all have our own specific requirements of a relationship which if left unmet, leave us dissatisfied) to accept you as you are then, ipso facto, he is not the right guy for you.
You say that your Aspergers diagnosis was quite recent, this was obviously pretty seismic for you I imagine that the new information has caused you to have to re-evaluate and correct huge chunks of your self-perception, past behaviours, chronic difficulties, etc,etc.This has to have put you under additional strain and it's hard to imagine feeling and giving of your best in such circumstances, your guy has to know you as well as he can so that-better to find out sooner...he knows whether or not he is able to commit.
I wish you the very best of luck, remember though that the ideal outcome for you would be to learn as much about yourself-as quickly as you can and reach an accommodation, you are young, intelligent and I am sure, every bit as beautiful as your guy makes you feel but at the moment you have a lot of surprising stuff to process, it may turn out that you have found the guy who would like to be with you for this, it may not but there is absolutely no need to despair because if you embrace the challenge of mastering yourself and your condition, when the Right Guy does turn up you will feel far better equipped to make the most of your relationship.