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Exclusion caused by eating habits

Roswell

I tried a cycling group last week with a temporary support worker I have and except for one other young man (I'm 32) everyone else there was a pensioner. After the ride in a cafe all the pensioners were eating slices of cake, biscuits and drinking cups of tea.

I'm gluten and dairy intolerant so there was nothing I could have in the cafe and my support worker kept asking me (about 10 times at least) if I was going to eat or drink something, enough to make it embarrassing and unpleasant.

Several of the pensioners commented on the fact I wasn't eating or drinking anything too but I knew the likelihood was if I told any of them about my immune system having problems that would be straying too far from the small talk and levity of the general conversation going on.

I've found with many British social events a tray of biscuits is put out and cups of tea offered. It makes me feel more like an outsider. I've also found if you ask for a herbal tea people form judgements about you (at least here in the North West of England) deciding that you're pretentious and unworthy of their down-to-earth charm.

Has anyone else discovered eating and drinking habits to be an unexpected barrier to social inclusion?

  • I don't have a dairy intolerance but I don't like normal tea, or coffee, or milk. I like green tea with lemon, but that would probably sound pretentious to the Group you were with! I would have chosen water as I would have been very thirsty after a bike ride, and that's what I drink most of the time. But I also like a diet cola as a treat from time to time. I also don't eat biscuits and don't often have cake, as they are too sugary. I would choose a savoury snack if the cafe had one, perhaps a packet of crisps?

  • in reply to Gamma Shadow

    Not a bad idea, that black tea one. I've drank black coffee before but the caffeine hit makes me ga ga. The sugar in the black tea should cancel out the bitterness.

  • in reply to Roswell

    I’ve been meaning to do a ‘module’ on small talk for months now, curtesy of Sir Daniel of Wendler but I literally have not had time! Always too busy! When I finally manage to fit it into my hectic schedule I will share the wisdom of the point of small talk and how to do it on this forum:-)

  • I live in the north west. tea and biscuits is serious business around here. Cant really do anything about the food but if its a pub the may have peppermint tea which doesn't count as herbal apparently. When i have no other option i just go for black tea with 3 sugars. Still tea, no dairy and wont raise any eyebrows.

  • in reply to Kitsune

    Yep I'll try explaining next time. It's more likely they won't keep asking me then.

    Then there's the problem of small talk in general, what to say people, but ah, I don't know I'll ever figure that one out.

  • I’m sorry that you felt excluded. I think the best approach here is just to be honest, you might even find that people are a lot more understanding than you imagine and it may lead to other people sharing similar stories. I personally don’t have any food intolerances but I wouldn’t eat cake because I’m very into eating ‘clean’ and I always order a bottle of water in a pub/cafe for the same reason. I don’t feel any anxiety about doing so and if anyone ever enquires then I tell them why. It’s nothing to feel ashamed of, it’s personal choice in my case and in your case it’s a choice that’s necessary for your health. Maybe next time just order a bottle of water (because you do need to rehydrate after exercise) and if anyone asks just explain briefly why?

  • in reply to Plastic

    I'll try that approach then, see how it goes. Thanks for the suggestion.

  • Don't read too much into it - they were trying to include you but accidentally hit all the wrong buttons.

    I have a very limited diet due to all sorts of health problems.   I'm up front about it and then everyone understands and it takes the pressure off.    Sometimes the social group I'm in have a coffee meetup and then go for a meal afterwards - I can't join them if they go for a curry but I'm ok with that - also, by the time they are wanting to go for food, I getting fatigued and it provides a good escape for me.

    My advice would be just tell them the minimum they need to know - 'Sorry guys, I have a health problem that means I can't have X or y'  

    It can be a conversation in its own right - most people have a health problem that limits their fun somehow.